Three
by Miss Fenway
Summary: The boys' biggest fear becomes a reality.  NO SLASH!
1. The End

**A/N. Dear reader, if you have read my story 'Little Hollow' then you know what I mean when I say that this story is an alternate ending. I knew that I wanted Logan to beat his cancer since the beginning of 'LH' but I also wanted to explore what would happen if Logan lost the battle and the boys had to move on without him. Ironically, soon after I decided that I would write this story, my aunt was diagnosed with cancer and so this story means more to me than I had intended. When I began writing this on pieces of notebook paper all of my fears came pouring out into the words you're about to read. But please do not feel that you are under any obligation to read or review. I'm not going to lie when I say that it's about 95% sheer angst and 5% happiness. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to write and yet it helps me cope with what's going on in my real life. Because of this, I consider it to be my best work yet. Please read and review if you can. They inspire me to continue my writing. Thank you. I don't own anything. Read on.**

"_Even when your hope is gone, move along move along, just to make it through." - 'Move Along' by The All-American Rejects._

Cancer. It's funny how such a little word can have such a big impact on your life. It instills so much fear in your heart. You can ask all the questions you want to and the doctors who have spent their lives studying the disease will give you all of the answers you have. But it won't be enough. So you'll turn to books and the Internet. Information is everywhere. But the majority of the information out there is like opening Pandora's box. You will be overwhelmed by the terrifying statistics and true stories of pain, loss and absolute heartbreak. Even though there was hope in Pandora's box it was outweighed by all of the disastrous things. Cancer research is the same way. The tragedies outweigh the optimistic stories.

Apparently, once you're diagnosed with cancer, you're a cancer survivor. It makes sense and can even give you a sense of pride and hope. But the one word that cancer patients long to hear from a doctor's lips is "remission". Because that means that you have won you're battle with cancer. It is gone. For the time being at least.

When you're in remission you try to go on. But how do you go back to normal when you're life has been forever changed? There's always the fear deep down that the cancer will come back. A fear that comes out of hiding and claws it's way back to the surface every time you get a little cold or see a bruise that you don't remember getting. Cancer changes everything.

Cancer doesn't just happen to one person. It happens to a family. When the chemo breaks you, seeing you in such a state breaks the people you love the most in a way that one can only understand by experiencing. Because they are powerless and all they can do is sit and watch while something that was supposed to help you, only appears to destroy you.

Chemo isn't the only thing that helps you. While the drug works it's way through you're body and breaks you down there is a completely different kind of medicine that will build you back up. That medicine isn't given through an IV or pills or anything you can get from the hospital. It is the support that is freely given from other people. Support from complete strangers that make donations to help fund the research of the disease you're fighting. Support from the doctors and volunteers in the hospital that start out as total strangers and then end up as extended family members. Support from your family and friends that remain with you no matter what. From beginning to end. They are there to celebrate your triumphs and grieve with you when you suffer a setback or worse, a relapse.

Relapse. That's what the doctors call it when the cancer comes back. Such a simple word but with so much meaning. It doesn't always come back. But it most cases it will. Sometimes again and again and again before one side loses. When you're trying to move on the thought of a relapse is always in the back of your mind. Will it come back? If it does come back will it be harder to fight? Will you have a better idea of what to expect? Will there be anything left of you to fight? These are questions that the doctors can never fully answer. No one can because it is different for everyone.

Why is it that when one is face to face with death they suddenly appreciate life so much? The saying that you never truly know what you have until it's going or gone is true. So you become obsessed with making your life count for something. You make a bucket list, something that you used to make fun of. The list will range from serious. _Star Trek_ marathons that include everything from the 1960's TV show to the 2009 movie are followed by reconnecting and repairing damaged relationships. Suddenly you are aware of how short life really is and how it can be taken away at the blink of an eye. You realize that all your life really ever was is a wave tossed in the ocean. It's there and then it's gone. Just like that. So it's perfectly reasonable to want to live it to the fullest.

But no one ever thinks about dying until they have to. In a study once done, a group of a thousand people was asked if they would like to know when exactly their death would happen. An overwhelming ninety-six percent of them said no. And so until something like cancer happens we often go through life in an apathetic manner. We have fun and learn and love. But we never think of what life truly means until we are forced to.

Still, life is very rarely like the movies. Cancer breaks you. The idea of two elderly, terminally-ill men meeting each other and going on a fantastic trip to cross of their bucket lists is a nice idea but in reality, that's all it is. An idea. Because when you're dying, it's very rare that you have the energy or strength to do anything too elaborate. You can only wait and pray for a miracle.

Kendall Knight, James Diamond, and Carlos Garcia, as well as their friends and family, were no strangers to miracles. When they were just seventeen years old the fourth member of their band Big Time Rush, but more importantly the inseparable foursome that they were, Logan Mitchell, was diagnosed with acute myelogenous leukemia. They had all had their fair shares of ups and downs and faced them together. But nothing could have compared them for what Logan's cancer did to him. To all of them.

Days after his eighteenth birthday, Logan had slipped into a coma as the result of a high fever. Just the day before he had undergone a kidney transplant that was supposed to make him stronger. But infection had set in which led to the fever and the coma. And suddenly, without warning, Logan died. The doctors had tried to bring him back while his friends could only watch in horror. But he had slipped away in the blink of an eye.

Before they had proper time to grieve though, a miracle came their way. Logan returned to them. It was beyond anyone's understanding. Logan's doctor, Steven Walsh, had gone home that night only to lay awake while he struggled for a logical explanation. But miracles are never logical.

Logan told them how he had been faced with a choice. He could either gone on to Heaven to live forever in peace with his mother who had died when he was six, or he could go back to Earth where he faced dying all over again. And though he had been informed by Daniel, an angel who told him everything about his choice, that he would never know the pain his friends were in, Logan couldn't bear letting them down when they needed him the most. And so the boys were given a miracle in the form of Logan literally coming back from the dead to stay with them.

Did everyone receive one miracle in their lifetime? Had they already used up their miracle? Because the minute Logan walked into their apartment wearing a defeated look on his face, James, Carlos, and Kendall knew. "It's back." He told them right before he broke down. He had been in remission for just over a year. He had only gone to the doctor for a routine check-up. And he came home with two words that took their collective breathe away.

"No." Carlos was the first to speak even as he caught Logan in a fierce hug and felt the tears spilling down his cheeks. Somehow the four of them ended up in a four-way hug on the floor since neither one of them could have made it to the couch. Their nightmare had returned.

Up until that moment, the boys had moved on with their lives. They picked up where they left off that horrible day when Logan had collapsed at the hockey rink and they all knew that he was sicker than just a mere cold. They had become Big Time Rush again and finished recording their CD. They had even gone on a short tour and were quickly making Big Time Rush a household name. But they had done more than that. They had also graduated from high school that year. Logan had dropped out early in the year when he was sick because he simply had been unable to handle his studies. The other three had followed in December when their parents allowed them as a Christmas present.

Everything had gone beautifully. The band was a huge success and Logan, in his old form, had easily balanced a rigorous band schedule with his school work to become the graduating class' valedictorian. He had promptly blown everyone away by making a speech as he stood on the podium. No papers, no notes. He had confessed later on that he had been too nervous and made it up on the spot. But that was Logan. And it had been impossible to tell who was the proudest member of the Big Time Rush family.

Most importantly however, their relationships had grown stronger throughout the entire ordeal. James and Julie spent nearly all of their time together volunteering in the hospital where Julie and the others there stripped away what was left of James' self image obsession and the two cared for each other and the patients in the hospital with a love that was far beyond their years.

Carlos and Stephanie became known as the 'Dynamic Duo' everywhere they went. But while one day they spent the evening chasing other Palm Woods residents around with Stephanie's "ghost", they would spent the next day together visiting orphanages or animal pounds and bringing sunshine into the lives of the unwanted.

Kendall and Jo were inseparable when they weren't with the others. They went everywhere together from hockey games to nursing homes where they performed sweet duets to the lonely people there.

Logan's and Camille's relationship had deepened into a bond that belonged to a husband and wife that had been married for fifty years rather than a couple to teenagers that had been together for two years. They changed each other. Camille became softer and more sensitive and Logan became more open to going against normal protocol every once in a while. They forgot where one started and the other ended. They finished each others sentences and read each others minds and even quoted movies, books, and poems to each other. And no one every thought of making fun of them. Especially when they spent nearly all their time together at the children's cancer ward in the hospital bringing smiles to pale and tired faces.

But the romantic relationships between the boys and their girlfriends paled in comparison to the depth of the friendship between the four boys themselves. They had already been close since the day they had met on a frozen lake in Minnesota. They had only been five but even their parents noticed the way they fit together like pieces in a puzzle. Born within two months of each other they formed a quick bond until they were inseparable. Kendall and James, the older two, quickly established themselves over the younger, smaller Logan and Carlos.

However when Logan was diagnosed with cancer everything changed. They all became protectors over one another and the dynamic of their relationship strengthened even more. When one of them fell, the others were right there to pick him back up again.

They had been there for each other through life's most difficult challenges. They were there for Logan when he missed his mother and his father avoided him. They were there for Kendall when his parents divorced. They were there for Carlos when the school bullies hurled racial slurs at him. They were there for James when he fell into a deep depression after Logan's death and revival. And they were there for each other once again when Logan shattered their happy illusion with those two words: "It's back."

When Mrs. Knight and Katie returned home from a girls' day out and walked in to find the four boys holding onto each other for dear life, it didn't take them long at all to realize what had them so upset. Their nightmare had returned to haunt their dreams all over again.

Telling the girls and the rest of their families had been hard. No one should have to tell their mother or father over the phone that their best friends was sick yet again. And Logan found telling Camille especially difficult to tell because when she was a young girl, she had lost her father to the very same disease that has returned to him. It wasn't fair. But once again they all united to support each other and lean on each others shoulders when they're own strength was failing.

The first time Logan had been diagnosed had been hard enough. They had all tried so hard to push their own fears away while taking care of their friends that it had nearly torn them apart. When one of them shut down it would always lead to the other three in tears as they begged their one friend to open up and let them in.

The second time was both harder and easier. It was easier because you could say they were more prepared for how they would feel. Kendall didn't try to hide his feelings of hopelessness but let the others replenish him with their own hope. He didn't try to be the fearless leader because he knew that they were all helpless. Instead he sat with his friends and weathered the storm together. James didn't bother to hide his anger and fear but talked for sometimes hours at a time about everything he was feeling while the others sat and listened patiently. Carlos didn't hide his depression and confusion but allowed himself to cry more than anyone should have to in an entire lifetime. And Logan admitted to them that he didn't want to die but when Daniel returned to him in a dream and told him that he would be reunited with his mother shortly, he didn't keep it to himself.

Because after all they had been through, they suddenly found themselves facing their most difficult challenge yet. And to survive, they would need each other now more than ever.

**A/N. This is only the first chapter so I should warn you right now that it's going to get way worse before it gets better. Writing this has broken me but I need to write it just the same. If you want to keep reading, reviews will encourage me to continue. But. Don't feel pressured. As much as I love writing angst this story is very heavy and I've cried writing it, reading it, typing it, and reading it again. I love you all and I hope you have a wonderful day. God bless!**


	2. Gone

**A/N. I have no idea what to say. The reviews for the first chapter left me speechless. I am so grateful for all the amazing words of encouragement. They have made my life just a little bit easier. I love you all. Which is why it pains me to throw this chapter at you. I hate myself. But it needed to be written. I don't own anything. You should be glad.**

_"We were young, it was fun, and we couldn't lose. Times were right, overnight we were headline news. Crazy days and reckless nights, limousines and bright spotlights. We were brothers through it all. And your song will play on without you. . ." - 'Never Without You' by Ringo Starr._

It was a warm, summer day in Los Angeles, California. Mid-July in the western state can be brutally hot but that wasn't the case today. The sun shone brightly but enveloped the people outside in a gentle warmth and the highest the thermometers reached was 83 degrees. A light breeze was the only sound to occasional break the silence the hung over the Palm Woods hotel. Inside, four boys waited for the end to come.

Kendall's eyes darted around the room taking everything in. The green orbs stared out the window for a brief time before landing on his best friend. It seemed wrong to him that Logan was dying on such a beautiful day. Whoever was in charge of the weather obviously had no idea what was going on in his life and the lives of his friends. But then, none of this had even made any sense.

James sat with his knees drawn up to his chest, focusing every ounce of his concentration on each and every breath that Logan was taking. Every one seemed harder than the last and even though Logan tried valiantly to conceal the pain in his brown eyes, James could see all too clearly that he was suffering a lot. He wondered if the thought deep down in his mind, the thought that Logan's pain would soon be gone forever, was supposed to bring him comfort instead of pull the heavy blanket of despair over his head.

Carlos gripped Logan's hand in both of his as if he was convinced that the contact would keep his friend from slipping away from them. But with each passing minute he could literally feel the life draining from Logan in the weakening pulse that beat beneath his fingers. He wasn't the smartest of his friends. He probably struggled the most. But even he knew that Logan would breath his last that very day.

Logan was glad that he wasn't going to die in the cold, white, hospital room surrounded by machines with strangers walking back and forth just outside his door. It had been his last request that he could be released from the hospital two weeks before so that he could live his life as normally as possible before it came to an end. He was relieved to know that the pain that had controlled him for months on end would soon be coming to a permanent end. It had gotten to the point where nothing helped and all he could do was wait for it to fade from the crippling throb to a dull ache. He was overjoyed because he knew that when the end came for him, it would be a new beginning. His mother would be waiting for him. He hadn't seen her since the day of the accident when he was six. But all of that was nearly outweighed by the knowledge that he was leaving his best friends behind and that when his pain and suffering ended, theirs would begin.

It was just the four of them together. Mrs. Knight and Katie had said their goodbyes about an hour ago and had left in tears. Kendall's mother had adopted Logan after his father abandoned him soon after his first diagnosis of cancer. That day had been one of the greatest days of his life because for the first time in years, Logan had felt a parent's love. She had become his second mother and even though she never replaced his real mother, she had cared for him like he had been her own for all his life. Katie, twelve years old now, had always been a little sister to him. But when he hugged he goodbye earlier that day, he wiped away her tears and wished that he could be there to see her through high school and into college. He wanted to see her get married. But he also knew that Kendall and James and Carlos would be there for her every step of the way and he tried not to feel jealous.

Camille, Logan's girlfriend had stopped by that morning and the two spent three hours together. They shared memories of their lost parents and they talked about the day they had first met right up until the present day. Then they kissed one last time and Camille left. Logan found comfort in the knowledge that even now she wasn't alone. Jo, Stephanie and Julie would be right there with her.

Kendall been trying to convince himself all day long that Logan leaving them meant Logan being freed from his pain. But he was too selfish for that because all he could think of was that Logan was leaving and this time he wasn't coming back.

Carlos flinched when the faint pulse missed a beat and then resumed it's steady, but weak rhythm. He thought back to all of the nightmares he had suffered while Logan was sick. He had woken up screaming, shaking, and in tears. He had woken up afraid to go back to sleep. But all of his nightmares could have never prepared him for the awful reality that he was now faced with. Logan's life was the only thing that held him together. What would happen to him, to all of them, when Logan was gone?

James tried to match his breathing with Logan and only grew more terrified. Because after thirty seconds he felt like he was going to pass out from the lack of oxygen. Logan could not last much longer. He knew that. But he didn't know if he was ready.

"Kendall?"

At the sound of Logan's weak whisper, Kendall's heart sank. He knew exactly what was coming but despite his best efforts, the smile wouldn't stick and his tears began to fall.

Somehow Logan managed to pull himself up into a position propped up against the pillows so that he could see his friends better. "It's okay to be angry right now, Kendall." He said gently. "I would be too if I were you." He looked relieved as he spoke which only made Kendall's tears come faster. "You know what? I am mad. I don't want to die either. I want to stay here with you guys and record some more CD's and go on tour and. . . go to college and do all those things that I've been cheated out of." He paused briefly as he was hit with a fresh wave of pain and he slumped back down, struggling for the air that used to come so naturally. "It's okay to be sad too. You don't have to be the strong one anymore, Kendall. You never had to be. But this time you really have to let other people help you, okay? It's okay to be sad and angry but don't feel like that for too long okay? You still have things in your life that you need to eventually move on for. Don't let me hold you back."

Carlos' whole body began to shake with silent sobs and when Logan squeezed his hand with more strength than Carlos ever imagined he had left, he gave in and let the tears flow.

"Carlos, hang in there, buddy." Logan whispered his own tears beginning to form at seeing the pain his friends were in already. "Don't let my death hold you back from living your life the way it was meant to be lived. You were always the funny guy and the one who could make us laugh or smile when we needed it the most. Keep being yourself okay?"

It's a truly awful thing to know that death is just minutes away. Logan was helpless to do anything but try one last time to bring some small amount of comfort to his friends. He turned to James who had barely survived his deep depression the first time around, and tried to smile. "James, you're going to be okay. I promise. All of you are going to be okay. But James, don't give up okay? I feel awful telling you this because I have no idea what you're going through right now. But you need to be brave okay? You'll be fine."

James could only nod his head, the lump in his throat making it impossible to speak. How could Logan tell him that he was going to be okay? He was dying. Nothing was okay about that.

"Guys, listen." Logan took a deep breath and for the time being, their tears ceased and they held onto every last word Logan had to say. "You guys are going to be okay but only if you stick together. We don't work on our own very well. You have to be there for each other. If you lose each other than you'll lose yourselves. That's the worst thing that could happen. You have to promise me that you'll stay together."

Words were still impossible for Logan's friends so they all nodded and were rewarded with a grateful smile from Logan.

"Promise me one more thing." Logan said. He seemed to sink further down in his bed as he spoke. Every word was an effort now. "Promise me that you won't put your lives on hold or change the way you are because of me. I know you're going back to Minnesota at least for a while now but keep in contact with the girls and everyone else here. Go to college in the fall. Get married, have families, jobs. . . move on. For me."

Easier said than done. None of them could picture moving on with their lives as if Logan had never been a part of them. College was supposed to be something that the four of them were to face together. As a team like everything else they had been through. And it didn't make it any easier knowing that Logan was the one who had been looking forward to college since he was nine years old. The scholarships would be of no use and he would never experience dorm rooms or professors' lectures or anything of the sort. Because he wouldn't be alive.

Like a bunch of girls, they had often talked about being in each others' weddings. They laughed how they all planned to have three best men. But now, Kendall and James and Carlos would be left with only two best men by their sides. Logan would never hand one of them a ring. What hurt even worse was that Logan would never watch Camille walk down the aisle in a white gown. He would never receive a wedding band from one of them and slip it on her left hand. There would never be a Mr. and Mrs. Logan Mitchell.

Logan would never be a father. He would never be an uncle to one of his friend's kids. Their lives would be altered in so many ways.

Logan would never sing or dance with them again. They would never find him bent over a book with an intense look of concentration on his face. There would be no more birthdays, Thanksgivings, or Christmases to celebrate with him. They would never hear him laugh or call their names again. Because he was going to die when he was just nineteen years old.

In the English language there are words to describe a chile who loses both parents: Orphans. Technically, Logan was an orphan. There are words to describe a man or woman who loses a spouse. Camille's mother was a widow and before his death, Logan's father had been a widower. But there are no words to describe a parent who loses a child or a nineteen year old kid who loses a best friend.

The world was unjust. It didn't make sense. Wars, natural disasters, world poverty or hunger, and society constantly tears families apart. Why did the human race insist on inflicting more pain on themselves when there was always plenty to go around? So many people deserved death. But Logan Mitchell had never been one of those people.

"Promise?" Logan smiled again at their nods. "I know I already told you this before but it's only because of you guys that I made it this far. I can't imagine what my life would have been like if I never met you. You guys saved me and you kept me alive longer than I would have been able to on my own. But I'm just sorry that I couldn't hold on any longer."

"Logan," Kendall choked out. "Please don't apologize for. . . dying. You can't help it."

"I know." Logan said slowly. "Thanks, Kendall." He blinked back a sudden storm of tears. "I almost wish that if I did have to die this young then. . . I don't know. I wish it could have been something quick. Like an accident or something. Maybe it would have been easier on you."

Carlos shook his head fiercely. "Don't say that." He whispered. "We wouldn't have traded the past two and a half years for anything in the world. We were grateful to have so much time." His voice shook but he pushed onwards. "I just wish we could have a little more time."

"Me too." Logan said tiredly. "But you were the best friends anyone could ever have and I'm really glad that I knew you. I know you're not supposed to miss people when you die but it's hard for me to imagine not being with all of you."

"We'll miss you too." James' voice wavered and waiting tears hovered in his eyes. "More than you'll ever know."

With every breath he took, Logan felt his strength failing him. It was fading and leaving his body. But with the strength the pain also eased. One last time he reached out to his friends and felt them draw him into a four-way hug. His eyes closed for the last time and even though they still held him, he felt Kendall, James, and Carlos let go of him. As peacefully as he had hoped, Logan Mitchell breathed his last.

**A/N. I'm sorry. **


	3. Cold

**A/N. Words could never express how stunned I am by the reaction this story has received. I was terrified to post this and I almost didn't. Thank you to One Man Writing Games for encouraging me to do so. And thank you readers, for all of your support. It makes things easier. I'll shut up now and tell you that I do not own anything. Read on.**

"_Yesterday I lost my closest friend. Yesterday I wanted time to end. I wonder if my heart will ever mend. I just let you slip away." - '4AM Forever' by The Lost Prophets._

"_Carlos."_

_Carlos groaned softly and opened his eyes. He started when he saw a man dressed in white standing in the corner of his room. Carlos had never seen the man before but somehow he knew without a doubt who he was. "Daniel?" He guessed, his voice trembling slightly._

_The man nodded. "Yes, Carlos. I came to talk to you about Logan"_

_The mere mention of his friend made Carlos flinch. But he sat up in his bed and faced Daniel. "Okay." He said, fighting and failing to keep his voice steady. "What about Logan? Is he. . . is he going to be okay?"_

_Daniel nodded but Carlos' heart sank. He knew that he meant that Logan would be okay for a different reason than he had hoped for. "Carlos, Logan is going to leave you. He will be reunited with his mother and will never have to suffer ever again."_

_Tears burned Carlos' eyes and threatened to spill but he managed to keep them at bay for the moment. He cleared his throat and spoke. "But why? Why did he have to get sick in the first place? Why Logan? He's too good of a person to have to deal with all of this. Why?"_

_But Daniel shook his head. "Carlos, not everything in life has an explanation." He said gently. "Through your combined struggled look how close you all have become. But it is time for Logan to leave. I need you to do something for me first. For Logan."_

_Carlos nodded wordlessly and waited for Daniel to explain._

"_I need you to let go of Logan."_

_At the words, Carlos jerked back. "What?" He whispered. "What do you mean let go of him?" The battle with his tears was a losing one and he felt them begin to overflow and spill down his cheeks. _

"_Do you remember the conversation you four had several months ago? James was struggling with depression and you suggested that you all fight a part of the cancer to make it easier for Logan."_

"_Yes." Carlos' throat ached and he could barely force the lone word out. He remembered that day all too clearly. How foolish he had been to think that he, James, and Kendall could fight Logan's cancer for him. Even when he had suggested it he knew how absurd the idea was. But it made it easier to trick himself into believing that it would work when they all, including Logan, went along with him. He knew that Logan at least, and probably James and Kendall as well, honestly didn't think it would work but had agreed for his sake. "Yes." He heard himself repeating._

"_I need you to stop fighting." Daniel told him softly. "Carlos, the only thing that is holding Logan back from leaving is you. All he can think about is that conversation you had. He doesn't want to let you down no matter how tired he is or how much pain he is in. He knows his time is up but he's holding on for you."_

"_Why can't you just make him better?" Carlos demanded, the tears flowing freely. "You're his guardian angel or something aren't you? You're supposed to be looking out for him and instead you're letting him die."_

"_It's time." Daniel's reply was a whisper. "You have to let go, Carlos." His words were becoming fainter as he spoke and he was beginning to fade from view. "Sometimes love means letting someone go, Carlos. Even though it hurts. Logan is your friend. Do what's best for him."_

"_I can't." Carlos sobbed. "I'm too selfish." He looked up. "What about James and Kendall?" He asked in an accusing tone. "Why am I the only one who has to let Logan go?"_

_Daniel smiled softly. "Because they have already let go." He replied._

_Carlos watched as Daniel disappeared from view completely and then sank back into his bed, letting the tears control him. The ache in his heart had intensified to the point where he literally clutched one hand to the left side of his chest. When his tears finally dried and he was reduced to dry sobs, Carlos lay in bed, turning the conversation with Daniel over in his mind._

_He was being selfish. He couldn't let Logan go. And yet. . . Carlos knew he had to. Part of him was furious at Kendall and James for already giving up but the other part knew that they were right and that he had to follow their example. Just like he used to._

_Carlos stood on shaking legs and crept quietly to Logan's room. His best friend was sound asleep. It hurt to look at him because the cancer was destroying him. His face was a ghastly white color and had thinned so that his cheekbones were far too noticeable. The bed covers hid his horribly thin body but Carlos knew it was there. He sat down on the edge of the bed and watched Logan as he breathed in and out, each breath a silent struggle even in his sleep. _

_He wondered how it would happen. Would they be in the hospital? Would it be like the first time? So suddenly and violently? They hadn't even had a chance to say goodbye. Would things be different? What if he died in his sleep? That would be more peaceful but they still wouldn't be able to say goodbye._

"_You will."_

_Carlos heard Daniel's voice but he knew that without looking that the man wasn't in the room. His words eased the pain in Carlos' heart just slightly and gave him the strength to do what he had to do. He took one of Logan's hands in his and nodded. "Okay." He whispered._

* * *

The funeral home was too cold. Carlos shivered slightly and wished briefly for a coat or a blanket. They were in California in July but just because it was in the 90's outside didn't mean that they had to sit in an icebox. He rubbed the goosebumps that covered his arms and shut his eyes, not for the first time, wanting to believe that this was all a dream. A nightmare.

It was surreal sitting there with his best friends, Katie and Mrs. Knight. Carlos felt the familiar tightening in his chest when he saw James and Kendall sitting besides him and he automatically looked for Logan. Logan was dead and there were waiting for the funeral director, Mr. Charles Van Buren. He was supposed to help them select a coffin.

Carlos' stomach twisted. A coffin. To put Logan in and bury him six feet under. Because he was dead. When they were younger, Logan had admitted to having an irrational fear of being buried alive. He had always been claustrophobic and he had always been afraid of death. Because he liked to know what things were like and no on had ever been able to tell him what death was like. He was afraid of the unknown. The funny thing was, the day Logan had told his friends about his recurring nightmares of being buried alive, was the day he stopped having them entirely.

"Logan Mitchell?" If Carlos closed his eyes he might have been able to convince himself that they were just in the hospital waiting room and that Logan was alive and only a short walk down the hallways. But instead his eyes took in the man in front of them. Charles Van Buren was dressed in a simple business suit but he carried himself with a gentlemanly air. His voice was hushed and soft but at the sound of this stranger speaking Logan's name, Carlos felt a small piece of his heart break.

Mrs. Knight stood up and shook the funeral director's hand. She didn't even bother to force a smile but merely introduced the boys and Katie.

"I'm sorry for your loss." He must have said those words thousands of times and yet Carlos detected sincerity in the man's voice. "If you're ready I'll show you our selections."

If they were ready? Was anyone ever ready? But Carlos stood up wordlessly and followed everyone else down the hall and into another room. It was large and even colder than the lobby. The walls were lined with wooden coffins. Carlos felt sick as he stared at the variety of boxes that surrounded him. He couldn't believe that they were actually doing this. His eyes blurred until he could no longer distinguish the different sixes, shapes, and colors. They all looked the same.

"What about that one?" Mrs. Knight asked suddenly. She pointed with a shaking hand to a wooden coffin with a simple design carved onto the top. A tree.

It was perfect, if such a thing could ever be perfect. A tree represented everything Logan had been. Full of life, he had extended his generosity and caring spirit like branches that provided shade and shelter. But Carlos felt sick to his stomach as he gazed at it and before he knew it he had turned and fled the room.

His feet somehow found the bathroom where he flung the door open and promptly threw up into the nearest stall. When he was finished because there wasn't anything in his stomach to begin with, Carlos sat back and leaned his head against the side of the stall and steadied his breathing.

"Carlos."

Even if he hadn't spoken, Carlos would have recognized the familiar source of strength in the form of a hand on his shoulder anywhere. Kendall. He heard James' ragged breathing in the background and he shook his head to clear the fog. "Sorry." He muttered and moved to stand up. Kendall grasped him firmly and helped him to his feet. He started to wipe his mouth with his hand but suddenly James was there, handing him a fistful of damp paper towels. "Thanks." He whispered.

"Are you okay to go back?" Kendall asked. His voice was full of concern for his younger friend but the pain in his green eyes never dulled.

"Can we go outside for a little while?" Carlos heard himself ask. "I'm so cold." He had been cold since yesterday when Logan had died and the warmth left his body. No matter what he had tried the night before, he hadn't been able to keep warm. Even now he shivered. Besides, he knew that there was no way he could possibly go back into the room with the boxes.

Kendall nodded in understanding and turned to James. "James, can you take Carlos out? I'll go tell my mom where we're going to be."

Carlos couldn't help but think how Logan-like it was for Kendall to let his mom know where they were going. The thought was painful and he let James take his arm and led him out into the fresh air.

Ironically, they found themselves under a tree. James immediately dropped down to the ground and pulled his legs close to his chest. It was a position that he had adopted when Logan had first become sick. It sometimes made him feel smaller and safer. But to Carlos it looked like he was a turtle hiding in his shell, unwilling to let anyone reach out to him. "I can't believe this is happening." James' voice shook with emotion. He stared at his shoes and continued to speak. "I keep thinking it's just some awful nightmare and any minute now I'm going to wake up."

"I know." Carlos replied. He sank down next to James and rested his back against the sturdy tree trunk.

The two boys fell into a silence. The air became heavy not with the humidity of the day, but with the grief that pressed down on them in a suffocating way. Kendall joined them and leaned against the trunk, uncertain that it would hold fast since everything else around him was crumbling to pieces.

"My mom is buying that one. . . the one she pointed out." Kendall told them because it felt absolutely necessary.

"Why do you think that guy does it?" Carlos asked suddenly. "How?"

"Do what?" Kendall held Carlos' gaze for a few seconds before the pain, the loss, and the confusion in his friend's brown eyes became too much to bear.

Carlos gestured limply with one hand. "You know." He indicated the funeral home. "All of this."

It was a perfectly reasonable question. Why would any sane human being have the desire to surround themselves with death and suffering? "I don't know." Kendall said helplessly. He doubted that if they asked Mr. Van Buren himself they would get an answer. There couldn't be an answer. Not one that made sense anyway. Because someone had too. But it still wasn't fair.

Even the hot sun failed to warm Carlos up. He wondered if he would always be cold. What would happen when they went back to Minnesota?

Minnesota. Home. Carlos' throat clogged up again and tears filled his eyes. The weather there would be so much more appropriate than in sunny LA. Since it was July, the ever present moisture in the air would be rain instead of snow. Rain was perfect.

It struck Carlos as odd that the majority of the funeral planning was being done in LA. Logan's body was already in a Minnesota morgue. He wasn't even in California with them anymore. Somehow that made his death even harder to bear. Carlos wanted to be close to his friend. He wanted to tell Logan that he wasn't alone and that he didn't need to be afraid. He also wanted to hear Logan say the same thing to him.

"He said that he wouldn't know what we're going through right?" Kendall broke the silence once more. It was surprising that Kendall, who always had the answers, was asking the question. But they had promised Logan that they would help each other and Kendall's question brought on a brief sense of relief in knowing that they could keep their promise.

"Yes." James and Carlos spoke at the same time in their rush to offer their fallen leader a grain of comfort.

"Good." Kendall sighed. "I don't want him to know."

It had only been a day since Logan had died. But already, Carlos found himself wondering how they were going to make it without him. Death was so final. It ended more than Logan's life. It ended Big Time Rush and their life in LA. Their four-cornered relationship had come to an end. Four had become three. Life, as they had know it, had come to an end. They were forever changed. Never before had change been so hard.

Carlos didn't even realize that he was crying until Kendall pulled him into a hug. He let the tears soak Kendall's shirt, his body shaking with sobs. He had cried so much when Logan was sick but now it was different. Now he found himself being embraced by two of his best friends instead of three.

They were incomplete. Their parents had often joked about their friendship being a puzzle. None of the pieces seemed that they should fit together because they were so utterly different. But now that one of them was gone, the puzzle was forever ruined. No one wanted a puzzle with a missing piece. It was no good.

"I can't. . . do this." Carlos managed to choke out. "It's too hard. We need Logan."

"Carlos," Kendall's voice was rough with tears. "We're in this together. I promise."

But Carlos only cried harder because for fourteen years, "together" had meant the four of them. But now it meant three. Four minus one.

When the tears, but not the pain, finally abated, Carlos tentatively drew away. He didn't bother to apologize because it wouldn't fix anything.

Just minutes later, Mrs. Knight, Katie, and Mr. Van Buren exited the building. The two adults shook hands and parted ways. Mr. Van Buren went back into his cold building and Mrs. Knight, holding tightly to Katie, walked towards the boys. Even when they were still yards away, Carlos could see that he hadn't been the only one to break again. The mother and daughter pair had matching red-rimmed eyes that was threatening to become a permanent look already.

Lacey Knight blotted her eyes and her tear stained cheeks with an abused tissue, never once letting go of her daughter's hand. "Are you ready boys?"

Carlos drew in a sharp breath. Were they ready to go back to Palm Woods? Being at the apartment brought on the worst kind of pain because their apartment was still heavy with Logan's presence. But it meant something more.

Carlos knew that he wasn't ready for what waited for them at Palm Woods. Because their flight to Minnesota left at 7:25 the next morning and they still faced their most daunting task yet.

**A/N. I don't even know what to say anymore in my author's notes. Thank you once again for the encouraging reviews. They make writing and posting this story worth while.**


	4. Memories Are All That We Have Left

**A/N. Writing this story doesn't make me cry as much as reading all of the amazing reviews. Thank you so much. I probably should correct myself here that this story is not an alternate ending to 'Little Hollow' but an alternate ending. The majority of my future fics will all be alternate sequels. Anyway, I hope I got that cleared up and you're not confused. I don't own anything.**

"_These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just to real. There is just too much that time cannot erase." - 'My Immortal' by Evanescence._

It is said that the most important lessons we can learn cannot be taught in a classroom. Life experiences teach us more than any professor could ever hope to. The past three days had taught James Diamond something that no human being could ever really put into words. He had learned that grief was not just an emotion brought on by the loss of someone you cared for more than yourself. Grief is also a psychical condition. It is an monster that lives inside of you. It leaves you feeling confident that there is an actual black hole where your heart is supposed to be. It claws and rips at your lungs until breathing becomes no longer natural.

Just the sight of Palm Woods is almost too much for James to bear. As they pulled up to their LA home he felt the monster inside of him stir and begin to wake up from it's hibernation during the twenty minute car ride. Inside, it was more like a tomb than anything else. Everything reminded James of death lately and the way everyone cautiously avoided meeting their gazes and the unnatural silence of the hotel lobby was no exception. As they made their way to Apartment 2J, he felt his chest constrict in the agony of what he knew was coming.

The door swung open and even though they had been there that morning, James felt a fresh wave of pain wash over him. Because Logan's shoes sat in their regular place by the door and Logan's book was laid carefully on the coffee table. The sight of the two items woke the grief up and James felt sure that his chest was going to explode. It couldn't be normal to be in so much pain like this.

The three boys moved slowly down the hall, dragging empty cardboard boxes with them. They hadn't been in Logan's room since the day he had slipped away from them and James had no idea what to expect when Kendall reached out and opened the closed door.

The pain hit James like a hockey check that sends one player to the hospital and the other player to the locker room for the remainder of the game. He made it to the center of the room before his legs gave out from under him and he collapsed on to the floor. Kendall and Carlos sat down next to him and for the next full hour, no one moved or spoke.

It was just like Logan had left it. Clean. Neat. Spotless. Rooms often reflected the occupant's personalities and Logan's room was no exception. He had always, for as long as anyone could remember, been very organized. He loved order. Looking around the room made it that much clearer. His books were arranged like they were at the library, alphabetized by the author. His desk was clear except for a few sentimental and practical items. His bed was made.

James' breath caught in his throat and he had to remind himself to breath. It was impossible to look at the bed for longer than five seconds. Logan had died there. He had died. The simple piece of furniture had literally been Logan's death bed.

A movement to James' left caught his eye. He turned to see Carlos reach over to the bottom drawer of Logan's desk and pull it open. His hand trembled violently as he lifted a pile of notebooks from their place and laid them out on the floor in front of them. Without even stopping to think Carlos flipped one of the notebooks open.

Nobody was caught of guard when the open pages revealed school related material. There were rough drafts of essays and reports that Logan had eventually typed. His neat, precise, perfect handwriting filled the lines and stared back at them. The words blurred together from the film of tears that suddenly blinded James. In others, difficult math and chemistry problems had been written in pen with no sign of a single mistake.

James stared at the notebooks. He couldn't help thinking that all of Logan's hard work had been in vain. What was the point of all of it if he would never go to college? Logan had dreamed of going to college since he was seven. While the others were obsessed over the latest toy fad, Logan was memorizing the state capitals and the presidents. When they were older and memorized the stats of the entire team of the Minnesota Wild, Logan could recite passages from textbooks of any subjects. His desire to become a doctor made him take CPR classes and learn about all sorts of illnesses and their symptoms. Often when he talked adults simply stared while kids his age called him a walking dictionary. All of that had been for nothing. James slowly flipped a notebook shut and gently set it down inside one of the boxes. Like two imitating robots, Carlos and Kendall followed his example.

It didn't get easier after that because even though the majority of the remaining items inside Logan's desk were simply pencils, pens, erasers and other small things, it still hurt to look at those things and think of Logan. There were also books that Logan had read for his own research even when the teachers assigned them a single book because Logan had always gone above and beyond his assignments. Near the end, their faltering movements came to a complete stop. In the top drawer lay every single year book from each of their school years.

Though it would have been easier to simply pack them away with everything else, the boys couldn't help but pull them out. They were arranged by year, with their kindergarten year on the top. James' hands moved without his brain knowing what they were doing and he opened the first book. Naturally, it fell open to their class. Six year old faces stared back at them. Kendall's bushy eyebrows and prominent nose were way too large for his small face. James' huge grin took up his entire face. Carlos' brown eyes were opened wide and sparkled in excitement. Logan. . . maybe it was girly but Logan's smile had always been contagious because of his dimples and the way his eyes lite up. But a ghost of a smile chased across James' face before it disappeared again.

It was fascinating to see how they had all grown over the years. In fourth grade, James had obviously become conscious of his good looks. In sixth grade, Carlos' nose was crooked because he had broken it in an attempt to skate board in across a patch of ice. In eight grade, Kendall had finally grown into his facial features. When they came to eleventh grade they stopped. The pictures had been taken before Logan had been diagnosed but on close inspection, a stranger could easily see that something was off. His face was slightly thinner and paler than normal. Dark circles stood out clearly on the color photograph. Why hadn't they seen it coming? James slammed the book shut and shoved it off to the side, unable to look at it any longer.

There were two more books though and none of them could resist opening them. The first was from their disastrous senior year. Logan had dropped out in about a month because he was unable to keep up with his studies when he was sick. The absence of his picture on the class page was so terribly wrong. The pictures of the three of them were equally awful. They were serious, not a trace of a smile on their frozen faces. Their eyes were filled with an unspeakable fear and sadness. James closed that one as quickly as he had the one before that and gave it to Kendall to pack in the box.

The final book was from their second shot at senior year. It was the polar opposite of the previous two years. Though Logan had still been slightly thin, he had been in remission then and he looked so perfectly healthy that for the briefest of moments, James thought everything was okay. He, Kendall, and Carlos all had the most ridiculously huge smiles on their faces. Life had been so good that year.

They had been on Cloud Nine back then. Logan had recovered quickly, they had toured during the long winter break, and become somewhat of a household name. Absolutely nothing had gone wrong. But when you're at the top of the world, where do you go but down?

James carefully avoided the notes on the inner covers from himself, Carlos, Kendall, and their other classmates. They were far too painful to read. His head was already aching from the tears that he refused to let fall.

They had finished cleaning the desk out and so for a while all they did was sit in silence. Then, Kendall stood up and after a long hesitation, opened Logan's closet. Logan's clothes hung neatly. He had arranged them, much to everyone's amusement back when the world was right, by color.

Suddenly James had a sudden desire to see just how much the grief could hurt. He pulled a shirt from it's hanger and buried his face in the soft material, inhaling the scent of a life gone far too soon. The pain brought him to his knees again as claws raked across his chest and opened a new wound.

Slowly, they removed each article of clothing, folded it, and laid it in a new box with the utmost care. Logan's hockey gear was tucked neatly into a corner and Kendall dragged it out and stared at the pile before putting it all away. He kept the skates clutched so tightly in his hands that when he finally let them go, deep red marks had been cut into his palms. Carlos and James dragged out the last thing in the closet.

It was a large cardboard box, so full of random items that the sides were beginning to split from their overwhelming burden. What they had gone through up until then was nothing compared to what they found in the box. At the top were trophies. Academic trophies from all of the school awards Logan had won. There were six spelling bee trophies, nine math related trophies and countless certificates and honor roll notifications. Athletic trophies. The four they had all won from the hockey championships and the MVP award he had won one year fr scoring the most goals and having the most assists. Of course Logan would have thrown them in a box and shoved them in his closet. James wanted to run to his room and throw all of his trophies out of his window and watch them smash into a million pieces so that everyone could see what was left of his heart.

Carlos interrupted his thoughts with a small cry. "Look." He choked out, holding up a small object. James couldn't see what it actually was until Carlos uncurled his fingers from around it. "I haven't had an asthma attack in over ten years." He said tearfully. He bent over the inhaler. "I can't believe he kept this. It probably doesn't even work anymore." James and Kendall could only stare. It was so like Logan to keep an unneeded inhaler. Just in case. Those were words Logan had lived by. But it hurt more than it brought comfort. Carlos dropped the inhaler in his lap. "Just in case." He mumbled softly to himself.

Next came Logan's "favorites." The boys took turns pulling out his favorite movies, books, magazines, and the one stuffed animal that he had ever owned. It was a stuffed moose of all things. Logan had told them of being five years old, just before they met each other, and going shopping with his parents. He had fallen for the moose and begged and cried and pleaded until his mother relented and told him that she would save it for his birthday. He had held onto the whole ride home and every time his mother was gone, his father would take it out and let him play with it. It was the one kind gesture that Logan could remember best and since it represented both of his parents so well, it was no wonder that he had dragged it to LA with him. His name was Moosey and after so many years, his coat was rougher and both of his eyes were missing. When Logan had been smaller, he had dragged the moose around like Linus from 'Peanuts' dragged his blanket around. Kendall laid Moosey carefully on the bed and resumed going through the box.

At the very bottom of the cardboard box were two smaller, tin boxes. James lifted the top of one off and pulled it out. Pictures spilled onto the floor and littered the area around them. Pictures. Literally hundreds of pictures. There were birthday pictures, Christmas pictures, Easter pictures, Halloween pictures with all of them dressed in a variety of costumes, hockey pictures and even Big Time Rush pictures. There was even an envelope that contained a handful of pictures of Logan's life before his mother's death had torn his family apart.

He had clearly inherited all of his mother's looks. He had the same dark where, expressive eyes, straight nose, determined jaw, and dimples. From what they had heard Logan had inherited more than looks from his mother though. Jamie Mitchell had been talented and everything she put her mind too. She was her high school's valedictorian. She danced and sang. She could play the piano and guitar by ear. She was kind and generous and self-sacrificing. One would never guess that Ryan Mitchell was related to Logan, much less his father.

Out of nowhere, James grief was replaced with anger directed at Logan's dead father. He had nearly destroyed Logan when he let his grief for his wife consume him until all he could do to stand to pain was simply avoid his own son. James would never forget the day they had left their support group in a hurry because Mrs. Knight had received a phone call from the hospital telling her that Logan was catatonic and his father was nowhere to be found. Ryan Mitchell had abandoned his own son when he needed him that most and for days after, every time James closed his eyes he saw the dead expression on Logan's face when they first walked in to see him. He welcomed the anger because it was a relief to feel something other than the painful absence of Logan. But it was only a temporary replacement because Kendall had pulled the other box out and opened it.

A small pile of newspaper clippings fell gently to the floor. There weren't many and they weren't varied either. At first all James saw were the ones from the Minnesota newspapers every time their hockey team had made it in print. Then he saw that there were several Big Time Rush articles. And then he saw two tiny pieces of paper clipped together. They were the obituaries notifying the deaths of both of his parents. But as James looked at them, all he could see was Logan's obituary in the LA and Minnesota papers.

The box still wasn't empty. Every single letter, postcard, birthday card, and thank-you note that Logan had ever received were all crammed into the box. There were even love notes from Camille that the boys set aside knowing that they were too private for their eyes. And once again, at the bottom, there was an envelope.

Even as Carlos reached into the box and opened the envelope with shaking hands, James knew what it contained. Sure enough, four letters were slid from the opening and into Carlos' hands. The first three were from when the boys had been instructed to write letters to Logan in their support group. The final letter was one they had written together, giving Logan all the reasons he couldn't die. That was the final blow and James began to cry because he realized then that sometimes, all the reasons in the world weren't enough.

**A/N. Okay, so I'm not sure if I scared a bunch of readers away with the last chapter or if they all thought it was just awful. I'm only mentioning this because there was a huge drop in reviews. Like, huge enough for me to worry. But thanks to those who did take the time to read and review. I know it's not easy. You're all amazing.**


	5. Coming Home

**A/N. Once again, thank you for all of the support. It means more than words can say. I asked my little brother if I should update 'Three' or 'Innocence Lost' tonight and he told me 'Three' since I hadn't updated it since Sunday and 'Innocence Lost' was posted just last night. I see his logic even though 'Innocence Lost' left off with a mean cliffhanger. So 'Three' it is with an 'Innocence Lost' update coming tomorrow. Anyway, thanks again. I don't own anything.**

_"This is not at all how we thought it was supposed to be. We had so many plans for you. We had so many dreams. But now you've gone away and left us with the memories of your smile. And nothing we can say, and nothing we can do can take away the pain, the pain of losing you." - 'With Hope' by Steven Curtis Chapman._

Kendall had always hated to fly. Ever since the World Trade Center tragedy that had happened when he was just ten, the idea of being thousands of feet up in the air with a bunch of strangers, _trusting _a stranger with his life, the idea terrified him. What was it like to die? Would he feel pain? Would he see anything? Hear anything? He didn't want to know. Logan, in an attempt to be comforting at seven years old, had told him that the only reason plane crashes were such a big deal, was because they happened far less frequently than car accidents.

A fleeting smile passed over Kendall's face, disappearing as quickly as it had come. After Logan had shared his wisdom with his best friend, Kendall had even been afraid to drive for weeks. It had been one of those rare moments when Logan had actually made the situation worse. Kendall could quite literally count on one hand the number of times that had happened. Logan had almost always come through.

Today though, Kendall wasn't afraid when the plane sped down the runway and lifted off into the sky. He wasn't afraid when they hit a rough patch of turbulence halfway into their trip. The only thing he dreaded was their arrival.

They were going home. Their homecoming was supposed to have been a celebration. Kendall had imagined a flood of news reporters and old friends waiting for their arrival at the airport. He had pictured 'Welcome Home' signs being waved from excited fans. He had looked forward to seeing familiar faces and catching up with everyone. But Logan wasn't there with them. So much for a celebration.

Griffin had flown them all home on a private jet and he was flying out himself and all their other LA friends out to Minnesota the next day to attend the funeral. Big Time Rush no longer existed but the relationships they had developed over the past three years still remained. Half of Kendall was waiting for those to fall apart as well.

The jet was roomy and comfortable. Two rows of seats ran down each side of the cabin, each row containing a pair of large, plush seats. But it was way too large to be carrying five passengers. Kendall looked out the window and tried not to think about how there should have been six passengers.

In the row ahead, Kendall glimpsed his mother and Katie. Katie was asleep after their mother had given her a Benadryl to help her get through the flight. But Mrs. Knight herself was awake. She was absentmindedly ran a hand through her daughter's hair as she stared at the seat in front of her. She had mourned the loss of Logan as if he had always been her son and not just the two years she had been his adoptive mother. One of the worst parts about Logan's death was how all their parents had felt. Because after his mother died, Logan had become another son to the other families. They had all lost a son or a brother.

Directly next to him, Carlos was slumped over in his seat, his head in his hands. His helmet dangled limply for his fingertips by the strap and he looked so much more vulnerable without it protecting his head. Across the aisle, James sat by himself, his gaze never once leaving the window.

His own pain was briefly replaced with concern for his two remaining friends. They had yet to get through a day without someone breaking down in tears and once one of them started, it was like a chain reaction. His little sister hadn't slept alone since Logan died and when she was awake, she never left her mother's side.

Kendall didn't even know what to really feel himself. He was confused. Logan had only been nineteen. He was angry. How could Logan leave them? But the overwhelming emotion that pulled constantly at him was grief.

Kendall looked again at his friends. Carlos hadn't moved an inch. Kendall wondered if anyone else thought of a ghost when they looked at the lost expression on the younger boy's face. He wondered if it was just his imagination that Carlos looked like he didn't have a clue where he was or what was going on. It was like the only thing he was aware of was the absence of Logan. James had fallen asleep with his head against the window. Kendall wondered if anyone else noticed how he had taken to sleeping with one arm wrapped around his waist as if to hold himself together while the other hand rested over his heart. He wondered if anyone knew that he, Kendall Knight, wanted to lock himself away in his bedroom and scream until he had nothing left.

The plane touched down and James jolted awake. Kendall's heart broke a little more than it already was when he saw the realization dawn in his friend's eyes. When he was asleep everything made sense. But every time he woke up he had to be reminded of Logan all over again. He would bet anything that James and Carlos felt the same way. He tried to catch James' eye but the other boy had gone back to staring unseeingly out the window.

When the aircraft came to a complete stop, Kendall yanked his seat belt off with trembling hands. Suddenly, it was as if he was choking on the grief that filled the contained space. But at the same time he had no desire to step outside and greet those who were waiting for them. Besides, he was sure that the grief and sorrow would only grow until it fit the open air around them. It was inescapable.

Once he finally dragged himself out of the airplane, Kendall's eyes immediately searched, found, and locked onto one man. He let his carry-on bag fall to the ground as he rushed into his father's open arms. He fell into him with such a force that he felt his father stumble briefly, before he adjusted himself to hold them both up.

Jefferey Knight gripped Kendall in a firm embrace and didn't even bother to stop his own tears from falling because his son's sobs were like blows to the stomach, each knocking the air from his lungs until it became physically painful. He longed to say something. Anything that would bring an ounce of comfort to Kendall. But whoever said that nothing is impossible never tried comforting someone when your own heart was broken as well.

Mrs. Knight and Katie soon joined them and Kendall cried even harder because he had always thought that if his parents would just hug, then everything would be okay and his family would be whole again. But it would always be incomplete.

Family reunions are supposed to be joyous occasions. A time to celebrate. But no one was celebrating and everyone was crying. It was like some sort of dark reversal of the way things were supposed to be. James was sandwiched between his parents and Carlos was swarmed by his mom and dad and his sisters. And then the families merged into on and it was one of the most awful experiences Kendall had ever thought possible. All he wanted to do was run far away from the sea of grief but he didn't want to be alone.

Eventually, everyone had more or less gathered themselves together and left the airport. Kendall shoved down the sudden panic that he felt when he saw James and Carlos walking away with their families and allowed his father to lead him away to the waiting car. He climbed in the back seat and wrapped an arm around Katie. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, praying for sleep that would bring a short reprieve from his pain. But instead of lulling him to sleep, the silence kept him wide awake and all too aware of why he was back home. He was relieved when the car finally pulled up to the curb to the house where he had lived before. . .

"I'd like to be alone for a while." Kendall heard himself say in a stiff, frozen voice that scared even him. He didn't wait for an answer and turned and fled up the stairs to his old bedroom. He locked the door behind him and fell into his bed, trying to breath.

It was only half an hour before there was a knock at the door and he dragged himself up to open it. James and Carlos.

"We had the same idea." Carlos said flatly. If it had been the old Carlos standing there, his words would have been an attempt at humor. But the old Carlos was somewhere else and in his place was a robotic sort of ghostly boy. "I didn't want to be alone but. . . I just want to be with you guys right now. I don't know why. I haven't seen my family in months and I just got home. But it's. . . it's almost easier with you guys."

Even though he spoke hypnotically and didn't even seem to realize what he was saying, Carlos was right. It didn't make sense for them to isolate themselves from people they hadn't seen in such a long time. And their parents were all probably worried sick. But James and Kendall understood perfectly.

"Can we go for a walk?" James asked in a small voice. "I don't really know where I want to be but I just want to get out. I feel like we've been cramped up forever."

Kendall stood up and nodded. The three boys trooped down the stairs to see that their families were all crowded in the Knight's small kitchen. When they came into view, all eyes settled on them. "We're going for a walk." Kendall muttered, his voice thin and lifeless. No one spoke but the eyes followed them as if they were waiting for them to explode.

It was mid-afternoon and uncommonly pleasant out. But the boys didn't notice the gentle breeze and the warm sunshine. They just walked. They walked all over the small town, their feet automatically carrying them. They walked past the pond where Logan had saved James' life and Kendall felt rather than saw James turn off the path and walk to the water's edge. He and Carlos followed and watched as James dropped to his knees.

"Logan." James' whisper was filled with pain. It was obvious that he was thinking of that sweltering hot day. "I told Logan that I was a fish whisperer." He said in wonder. "I don't remember why. I was acting really goofy that day." He turned to face Kendall, his eyes filled with tears. "Do you think I should whisper to the fish that Logan is. . . not here?" He sobbed. "I think that if fish could think that they would know what I'm talking about and they would be sad."

"James," Kendall said softly. He laid a hand on James' shoulder. "The fish-"

"I know." James said. "They don't know. They're just fish. Remember how Logan liked goldfish? And Fish Stick Friday? But I think that the fish would miss him anyway. Because he was Logan."

James stood up so fast that Kendall and Carlos nearly fell backwards. "I don't want the fish to be sad." He said as if to himself. "I won't tell them."

Kendall's eyes widened at James' words. It was like he was locked away in his own memories. He hurried after him and Carlos as the two resumed their walk. In a move that Kendall considered at least partly suicidal, they walked past the pond and straight up to Logan's house.

A "For Sale" sign sat out on the lawn. It had been there for about a year because the housing market was absolutely awful. The shades were drawn and the lawn was slightly long because the upkeep had been at a minimum for several months. Kendall realized that the building looked sad and neglected. Homes is where the heart is so it made sense.

As if he had been taken over by some other force, Carlos walked up to the porch, picked up the spare key from it's hiding place that now only three people in the world knew of, and unlocked the door.

They were all going to die because it could not be possible to survive what they were about to do. Maybe that was why none of them hesitated to walk into the empty house.

To Kendall's surprise, with the exception of the Mitchell's personal belongings, everything was still there. The realtor must have gotten the okay to sell the furniture with the house itself. Either that or. . . a yard sale. Kendall tried to imagine perfect strangers paying nickels and dimes for Logan's possessions, having no idea that the previous owner had died so young.

It was a twisted form of self-punishment that led them to Logan's room. Ryan Mitchell had clearly never touched a thing because it was exactly how Logan had left it when they moved to LA. It was just like Logan's room at Palm Woods only there were sixteen years' worth of memories rather than just three.

Signs of Logan's childhood were subtle but present. The spot on the wall where Logan had illustrated the difference between obtuse and right angles when they were seven. The stain on the otherwise spotless carpet when Carlos had spilled chocolate milk when they were eight. Behind the nightstand there was probably a hole from the time Kendall and James had fought over a Nerf gun when they were nine.

Kendall couldn't believe the way time had passes in only the past week. Just days ago they had still been in LA and Logan had still been alive. Then he had died and they had found themselves picking out a coffin and cleaning out his room. Today, they were back in Minnesota and here they were at Logan's childhood home, surrounded by more memories. Tomorrow. . .

They had known each other for so long that it seemed like their thoughts were connected. Carlos and James glanced up and Kendall knew that once again they were all thinking the same thing: Tomorrow was the funeral.

**A/N. Wow. Angst is painful sometimes. Okay. Read only if you want to. No pressure. Thanks for all of the wonderful support and I'll update 'Innocence Lost' tomorrow.**


	6. One Last Goodbye

**A/N. Thank you for all of the readers who have taken the time to review previous chapters. It really means a lot to get a response. This is the hardest chapter I've had to write yet. There are no other words to describe it. I don't own anything.**

_"Nobody said it was easy. Oh, it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start. - 'The Scientist' by Coldplay._

Nineteen year old kids should never have to go to their best friend's funeral. But it was on a rainy Friday morning in Minnesota that the boys found themselves huddled together in the back of the local church after the viewing. The world was unjust.

Nothing that had happened to Logan should have even happened to begin with. Nothing bad anyway. His mother should have never died, his father should have never pulled away, and most importantly, Logan should have never gotten cancer and died so young.

The viewing had been awful. They tried not to think about the way Logan looked like he was merely sleeping. They had tried to block out the sobbing in the background when they went up to have one last look at their friend before he was placed in his grave. They tried to stop the rain of tears from their own eyes. But it was all impossible.

Kendall felt Carlos lean wearily into him and he wrapped an arm around his friend's shoulders. "Is it worth me asking how you guys are holding up?" He asked softly.

"I'd do anything to have this all be a nightmare." James stared down at his black shoes. He had never noticed how terrible the color black was. There was nothing remotely cheerful about the color. It represented hopelessness and loss and pain and suffering and everything else he had felt over the past few days. He tugged at the collar of his tuxedo and sighed. He had always thought that the first real tuxedo he wore would be for a wedding. Preferably one of his friend's or maybe even his own.

"What time is it?" Carlos asked listlessly.

"It's almost 11:00." Kendall answered after looking at his watch. "People will probably be in the. . . the cemetery by now." He nearly choked on the word. _How is this actually happening?_ He grasped desperately for any explanation that his subconscious could drag up but found nothing. He cleared his throat. "Let's go. We need to be ready."

Be ready? They were about to say their final goodbyes to Logan. They could never be ready. But James forced himself to stand along with Carlos and Kendall and together the three of them walked out into the rain.

It was even worse seeing the casket closed. An unavoidable thought came back to haunt them. Logan had been claustrophobic. Carlos shut his eyes tightly and listened hard, hoping morbidly to hear Logan banging on the wooden lid, screaming to be let out.

"Boys," Pastor David met them with a sad smile. "Why don't you sit over there in the front so you can be ready."

Kendall responded with a small nod and led his friend's over to the spot the pastor had indicated. They collapsed into the chairs, unable to stand. Their rigid postures were a silent message to everyone there that they wanted to be left alone. In the background came whispers and more sobs but they didn't dare turn around. They simply waited in agonizing silence.

Finally, Pastor David made his way up to the front of the podium and adjusted hiss microphone. "Friends and family," He began. "We gather here to pay our respects and say our goodbyes to Logan Mitchell, a young man who died long before his time. We also gather together to share memories of Logan and grieve together as a family, and to comfort each other in our time of grieving. It is a time that is beyond our understanding. . ."

The pastor's voice faded as he went on to talk about Logan's life growing up in Minnesota. Soon the boys could see his lips moving but his words had completely stopped to reach their ears and registrar in their brains. They simply stopped trying to make sense of them and let them float right over the heads, over the rest of the crowd.

". . . here now are Logan's closest friends to speak together about Logan and perform a song in his memory."

As if their minds had been linked together, Pastor David's words started making sense again and Kendall, James, and Carlos stood as one. They moved slowly up the stage and sat on the stools that someone had thoughtfully set up for them. Neither of them had a speech ready and they had only decided on the song the night before.

Carlos looked out into the sea of faces. It seemed like everyone was there. Doctor Walsh along with some of the other doctors and nurses who had known Logan while he was in the hospital were seated off to the side. It touched Carlos that they would come so far despite their busy schedules.

Camille, Jo, Stephanie, and Julie were sitting together, clinging to each other desperately. It was all too clear that the past several days had been a struggle for all four of them. Camille looked by far, the worst as she leaned her head on Jo's shoulder, her eyes swollen from an endless stream of tears.

Even Gustavo, Kelly, and Griffin, with his formally unbearable daughter, Mercedes were sitting in the back row, looking out of place.

Finally, nearest to the stage were their families. Carlos' gaze went right over the people they had know before Big Time Rush and straight to their remaining loved ones. But he stopped and dropped his gaze because seeing their faces made him hurt all the more.

Then, Kendall cleared his throat, and just as he always had, took the lead. "Memory is a complicated thing. We all try to recall our first memory at some point in our lives and laugh because the details are always really vague since when we so young. But my first memory is as clear as if it happened yesterday because I was five, almost six. I know a lot of people can probably recall moments when they were even younger but not for me."

"Anyway, I was at home and I was really bored and my mom wasn't feeling well so my dad decided to take me skating. He said it was about time I learned since we lived in Minnesota and most kids learn how to skate as soon as they can walk. He didn't take me to the local rink but to the pond near our house. The surface was rough and I remember falling a lot."

"Then one time I fell and cut my hand a little on a stick. It was only bleeding a little bit but I was relieved when some tiny kid skated up to me with a band aid."

A quiet murmur rose from the crowd at those words and Kendall waited patiently for it to die down before he continued.

"Yeah, that was Logan. And that same day I met my other best friends, James and Carlos. That day will always be my first and favorite memory. I used to joke about how the first five years of my life were really boring, and then I met my best friends and life since then has never been boring. They've been with me for every significant part of my life." Kendall paused and took a deep breath.

"Today is different. It's certainty significant but only James and Carlos are with me. I'd give anything to have Logan up here with us right now but of course if he was then we wouldn't be here."

"The past five years have been absolutely unforgettable. In that short time span, Logan, at one point or another, saved all of us in some way, at the risk of his own life. That was the way he was. He was always so unselfish. He cared more about other people than anyone else."

"That's the main reason I can't understand why I'm here with Carlos and James and all of you today. I said that the last five years have been unforgettable. But the past two years have easily been the most painful as well as the most amazing. When Logan was first diagnosed with cancer we were all terrified. But oddly enough, Logan was the one who held us all together. Sure he had his moments of weakness, but he also had more heart and courage than the rest of us put together."

"I think that the best day of my life will always be the day Logan told us that the cancer was gone. That was. . . there really aren't any words to describe the relief that we felt."

"I thought we would be okay then. I mean, when you beat cancer, you're invincible. But it came back and before we knew it, Logan was fading. Just a few days ago we had to say goodbye to him."

"Together the four of us have been through so much. Everything. We've laughed together, we've cried together, and we've been scared together. I'm so grateful for the fourteen years we got to spend with Logan. And I know that eventually we'll be out without him. That's what Logan would want."

James hung onto every one of Kendall's words and used them to fuel his rapidly failing courage. When he finally ran out of things to say, James brushed his hair back and spoke in a wobbling voice that threatened to break at any second.

"Kendall didn't really mention this and only a few people know, but Logan saved my life when we were fourteen." James couldn't take his eyes off of his parents even though their startled reactions were painful to watch. He took a deep breath and rushed on. "To make a long story short we went canoeing by ourselves and we flipped. I got my foot caught on something underwater and I couldn't break free. I was drowning. But. . ." Then James' voice caught and he struggled against the tears that fell against his will. "Logan dove down and pulled me free. Then he dragged me to shore and. . . He saved me."

"I owed my life to Logan. That was why, when he first got sick, I would have given anything to take his place. But when I told Logan that, he just wanted me to stop thinking like that. When he got better he told us that it was only because of us. That blew my mind but Logan had already taught me so much that I really shouldn't have been that surprised. Because of Logan, I learned the true definition of friendship."

"You all know that we were close. Brothers. You know how identical twins do weird things like finish each others thoughts and sentences? Or the way they say things at the same time? We started doing that by the time we were eight. We did almost everything together and when we were separated it always felt. . . wrong."

"Logan's catch phrase was that he had to get new friends. He never meant it but who could blame him if he did? He was sensible and had common sense while the rest of us were like the Three Stooges, constantly getting into trouble. But instead of standing by and watching this happen, Logan was always right there with us. He was as loyal as anyone could be."

"He was what we needed. When I had my head in the clouds about my Hollywood dreams, Logan was always grounded and telling me what I need to do to achieve those dreams. Because as crazy as my dreams could be, Logan never discouraged me. He believed that we could do anything if we truly set our minds to it."

"When Logan got sick it was a long time before we all got put back together again and that was mostly because of Logan. He never gave up on us."

"I've learned a lot from Logan and even though he's gone, he's still teaching me. When we first lost him, I learned that heartache is more literal than I used to ever believe. It really does hurt physically when you lose someone as close as Logan was to us."

"Do I think that the four of us were too close and that we might have saved ourselves some pain if we had been more careful? No way. I don't regret any of the time I spent with my friends. I'd do it allover again and I'll continue to do it with Kendall and Carlos until. . ." James stopped to gather himself together. "Without them I wouldn't last a week like this. Right now, they're the only things keeping me together."

The only thing that they had actually prepared was the song. They hadn't discussed in what order they would give their short speeches but it happened naturally for Kendall, as the oldest and the leader, to go first, followed by James and then. . . Carlos couldn't help thinking that they were skipping Logan when it was his turn to speak.

"When I first heard the words, acute myelogenous leukemia the only word that made any sense to me was the last one. And even then it didn't make that much sense when it was applied to Logan. But all I knew was that it meant Logan had cancer and that cancer is a really serious disease. I just couldn't understand why something like cancer would happen to someone to Logan."

"Things don't always make sense. There are times in my life when I felt like my world has been turned upside down. But when Logan got sick I felt like I was trapped in this horrible snow globe and someone kept shaking it. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't focus. Outside, everyone was going about their normal business. It's strange how the rest of the world carried on when you feel like yours has stopped."

"As I watched Logan die, I kept asking for one more year, one more month, one more week, one more day, and finally, one more moment. Each time I thought that we had reached the end I kept saying that all I wanted and needed was one more moment with him. I was never ready and to be honest, I'm still not ready. I miss Logan more than words could ever say but I know he'll always be with us in a way." Carlos was surprised when he felt a small smile cross his pale face. "Logan was actually a big _Star Trek _fan. When we were little my pet turtle Sparky died and at the funeral he held for him, Logan quoted the second movie. I always thought it was over dramatic but now I believe that it's true. He's really not gone as long as we don't forget him. And I'll never forget Logan Mitchell."

As Carlos finished his speech, there was a full thirty seconds of complete silence as they let the audience soak their words up. At the same time they tried to compose themselves enough to sing.

All James wanted to do was run far away. He wanted to run until he died and the pain ended. He was all too aware of the fact that they were about to sing without Logan. But he was also aware of the fact that they were about to sing _for _Logan. That was the single reason that kept James from fleeing. Besides, he had learned when Logan was first diagnosed that he couldn't run from his problems. Because when he finally slowed down, the problem always came back, bigger than before.

Kendall jumped slightly when the music first came from the loudspeakers and washed over the crowd. He saw the broken faces break even more when they recognized the song. And then they sang. . . without Logan.

_There's no one in town I know_

_You gave us some place to go_

_I never said thank you for that_

_'though I'd get one more chance_

_What would you think of me now?_

_So lucky, so strong, so proud_

_I never said thank you for that_

_Now I'll never have a chance_

_May angels lead you in_

_Hear you me my friends_

_On sleepless roads, the sleepless go_

_May angels lead you in_

_So what would you think of me now?_

_So lucky, so strong, so proud_

_I never said thank you for that_

_Now I'll never have a chance_

_May angels lead you in_

_Hear you me my friends_

_On sleepless roads, the sleepless go_

_May angels lead you in_

_(May angels lead you in)_

_May angels lead you in_

_(May angels lead you in)_

_May angels lead you in_

_And if you were with me tonight_

_I'd sing to you just one more time_

_A song for a heart so big_

_God wouldn't let it live_

_May angels lead you in_

_Hear you me my friendship_

_On sleepless roads, the sleepless go_

_May angels lead you in_

_May angels lead you in_

_Hear you me my friends _

_On sleepless roads, the sleepless go_

_May angels lead you in_

The song was both beautiful and fitting. It had been one of Logan's favorite songs and he even sang it for his mother's memorial service when the ten year anniversary of her death had come. They had discovered it while looking at Logan's iPod the night before. None of them had needed to speak when they had scrolled past the hundreds of other songs to see that one. They all knew that it was the most perfect tribute they could make to their departed friend. They performed it beautifully too because they could relate to every single lyric. The song ended and so did everything else.

As one the boys gave into their long held back tears and dropped to their knees. As one they placed their hand on the wooden box that held Logan's body. And as one they spoke one last time to their friend. "Goodbye, Logan."

**A/N. I kinda want to dig a hole and lay in it right about now. There's not much else to say but review if you want me to continue this. Thank you for all of the support you have given me so far. I'll update 'Innocence Lost' and this as soon as I can.**


	7. Drifting Apart

**A/N. How long has it been? Over a week? I hate myself. I am so sorry for being unable to update this soon but I've been so stuck on how to move forward with it. However, my Writer's Block has been cured thanks to the amazing AbbyMasrai. What did she do? Go read and review her story 'If Today Was Your Last Day'. You'll understand. This chapter is dedicated to her. Anyway, thank you for all of your patience. Here goes nothing. I don't own anything.**

"_And we started at zero and went different ways, now we're all out here wasting away. And if we started at zero, then how did things change? Seems like just yesterday we were the same." - 'Zero' by Hawk Nelson._

"Okay, Logan." Kendall whispered as he stared out his window at the rain pouring down. "When does this start to get easier?"

It had been two months since Logan had died and everything changed. Kendall had never expected to be able to move on after only eight weeks but he had expected the pain to lessen at least a little.

Wasn't there a limit on the amount of grief that a person could feel before they simply exploded? Shouldn't he able to go to bed at night without crying himself to sleep? What about the pain? Was heartache supposed to be so intense for so long? When would he be able to go a day without being sure that he had heard Logan call his name, or if he turned around quickly enough, he would see his friend standing there? Was something wrong with him?

Kendall let out a shaky sigh and curled his hands into tight fists, his nails digging into his palms. The stinging sensation sometimes lessened the pain. It was like a harmless form of cutting. But it was as far as he would go. He knew Logan wouldn't want him to resort to any extreme form of self-harm to deal with his death. Kendall didn't want to let him down. Again.

"_Guys, listen. You guys are going to be okay but only if you stick together. We don't work on our own very well. You have to be there for each other. If you lose each other than you'll lose yourselves. That's the worst thing that could happen. You have to promise me that you'll stay together."_

Logan's words echoed in Kendall's mind. They had promised him. They had sworn that they would stay together. But Kendall hadn't seen James or Carlos in six weeks. The last time they had been together they sat in Carlos' room in silence for almost an hour before Carlos switched on the TV and they stared blankly at the images flickering across the screen. Then James had mumbled something about helping his dad with the car and Kendall said something about dinner and they left Carlos alone. They hadn't even spoken to each other since then. They had broken their final promise to Logan.

Kendall couldn't quite understand how it had happened. After the funeral, things had suddenly become uncomfortable and strange. They tried hanging out but every conversation had pauses in it where Logan should have spoken up. Wherever they were, a void followed them and made everything hard. They had simply stopped trying to be together. But it was easier to be apart from them. Being a threesome only reminded Kendall of what they used to be. It also hurt to see what his friends had become like.

Carlos never smiled anymore. He never joked or laughed and only talked when he was asked a question and even then he would nod or shake his head if he could. Kendall had heard whispers amongst the teens of the neighborhood. They called him Ghost Boy. He wanted to stick up for his friend but he didn't know how. Carlos didn't even seem to care.

James always wanted to be alone. Even when they were together, Kendall got the sense that James would rather be anywhere else as long as he was by himself. He was quiet too but while Carlos' silence seemed to be from his constant trance-like state, James just seemed to be ignoring everyone. He didn't want to talk so he wouldn't.

Kendall found himself unable to care about anything, even his friends. For a short time, he had been the leader again, and he tried to keep them together. But it seemed like he was the only one who cared and after a while he had stopped caring. He had grown apathetic and stopped trying to care. It was too hard.

A sound from downstairs caught his attention. Kendall strained to hear better, then cringed and wished he hadn't. He stood and crossed his room to his desk. Picking up his iPod, he flopped down on his bed and placed the ear buds inside his ears. Kendall set the music player on the 'Shuffle' setting, then turned up the volume. Logan would have yelled at him for having it on so loud but Kendall could care less about losing his hearing as long as he didn't have to hear his mother cry.

It happened far too often than he would have liked. Either his mother of Katie would start and the other would soon join in. Kendall had tried to help them but their sobs made his pain worse and he didn't seem to be helping anyway so he stopped that too.

He just didn't care about anything anymore. It was September and the leaves had changed to their beautiful fall colors. Kids were going to school. He should have been in college on a hockey scholarship. But he wasn't. All he did was sit in his room or take long walks, letting his feet carry him all around the town. He had tried to go to the rink because it used to help clear his head. But even that didn't work and it hurt to be there.

Kendall remembered hearing of a saying that had been tossed around in the 1960s. "If it feels good, do it!" They had probably been talking about drugs or whatever awful things had come out of that turbulent decade. But Kendall had applied it to his life anyway. Nothing felt good anymore. But being with James and Carlos hurt and so did comforting his mother or sister, or being at the ice rink, or anything that reminded him of Logan. So he didn't do it.

* * *

"Carlos? Aren't you hungry, sweetie?"

Carlos pushed his food around, mixing the creamed corn and the meat loaf together until it looked like something even his dog Sammy would have refused to eat. He met his mother's concerned gaze. The dinner table was completely silent as his family stared at him, waiting for a response. He shook his head. "May I be excused?" He whispered. His father hesitated before nodding reluctantly. He mumbled a thanks, cleared his place, and walked to dump his plate in the sink and go to his room. He felt seven pairs of eyes follow his every move until he was out of sight.

Once in his room, Carlos flopped down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. If he concentrated hard enough, he could pretend that everything was okay. He could drift off into a state of semi consciousness where the pain became a dull ache. He let the numb feeling steal over his body and he let the darkness take him under once again.

A soft sigh escaped from his lips. The relief that washed over him was temporary but it was enough for the time being. It was what kept him from going completely insane.

Then a knock at the door broke his concentration and Carlos looked up to see his father walk into the room. At the compassion in the dark eyes, Carlos dropped his gaze. He felt his bed sag as his father joined him. A pair of arms pulled him into an embrace.

"Carlos, please talk to me."

He had always been incredibly close with his father. Mr. Garcia was an adult version of his son with his love of life and crazy stunts. When Carlos wasn't with his friends, he was with his father. But now, he hadn't seen his friends in weeks and he felt himself drifting away from everyone, including his father. He heard tears in his father's voice but couldn't bring himself to speak.

"When was the last time you saw Kendall or James?"

Carlos could only answer with a shrug. He wondered if it was possible for him to actually lose the ability to speak if he remained silent. The lump in his throat made words impossible anyway. But for the first time in a long time, he actually wanted to talk. He wanted to say something to his father because he knew that his silence was hurting him. But he didn't even know what to say.

Mr. Garcia tipped his son's face so that he was looking right at him. The once bright, happy eyes were now dark holes filled with devastation and loss. No one should ever have to look like that, especially his own son. "Son, please." His voice broke in desperation. "Don't shut us out."

Carlos' bottom lip trembled. He could only think of how Logan had lost his father to grief. It almost made sense to him how Ryan Mitchell could have so easily pulled away. It was so easy to give into the depression that weighed heavily upon his shoulders. But Carlos didn't want to be like Logan's father. He didn't want to shut out the people who cared about him. It was so hard to bring himself out of the darkness though. So he pulled away. "I need to be alone." Not want. Need. He avoided his father's gaze. He didn't want to see the pain that he knew the words would cause.

Without another word, his father hugged him once more and then left the room. Carlos curled himself into a tight ball, making himself as small as possible. He envied his long dead pet turtle Sparky and all the other animals that had shells to protect themselves. He envied them for their lives of complete oblivion. He wished he could protect himself from all the pain that was in the world. He wished everything was black and white instead of blurred lines of gray.

The hardest thing to understand was the fact that he literally could not remember the last time he had seen them. It had been weeks ago and the meeting had been disastrous. They had never been apart for so long before. But even when they had been together, it felt wrong without Logan.

Without Logan. Carlos shivered. Everything had changed since Logan died. The promises they had made to him had been broken long ago. They had done nothing he asked them to. At the time, Carlos hadn't been thinking of how hard it would be. He was only thinking how it was upsetting and scaring Logan that they would have to be without him. He had wanted to give his dying friend some comfort before he breathed his last. He hadn't meant to lie.

Tears filled his eyes and ran down his face but no sobs forced their way from deep inside his chest. His eyesight blurred and he was momentarily blinded as the tears continued to stream unchecked, soaking his pillow. Then, a tiny sob scared him and he rolled over, pressing his face tightly to his bed to muffle to noise. His body shook so hard that he nearly fell to the floor. The more he tried to regain control, the more he cried.

When the sobs had subsided so that he no longer needed to be laying face down, Carlos rolled onto his back again. His eyes found a picture frame and with a shaking hand, he reached out and pulled it closer to him. It was their graduation picture. They had been on top of the world then. Now he was at the very bottom of a hole, all alone. "I'm sorry, Logan." He whispered.

* * *

James had always had trouble sleeping, even as a baby. He remembered his mother saying that he was a colicky baby, something to do with stomachaches, and for the first six months he had kept his parents up with his near constant crying.

When he was a little kid he had frequent nightmares. Most of them were silly, involving monsters under his bed or other stuff that his father could scare away with a flashlight and a few gentle words. But some of them had been truly terrifying. Shortly after Logan's mother had died, James dreamed for weeks on end that he couldn't find his parents no matter how loud he cried for them. On those nights, he would wake up in the arms of his mother and then his father would carry him to their big bed and he would sleep between them, safe and sound.

As he got older, the nightmares disappeared. But he still couldn't sleep and this time there was no reason. He could be exhausted and still lay awake for hours on end before he finally drifted off into a light sleep. Often, he woke up for no apparent reason and it would take another hour or so before he could go back to sleep.

He had always found a great deal of comfort in the fact that Logan never slept well either. It would have been lonely at sleepovers because Kendall and Carlos would always pass out at around two in the morning and he might have been left alone to lay and wait for morning. But Logan was always there to share the quiet nights with him. That was when they talked.

James loved all of his friends but Logan was the one he confided in the most. Carlos was impulsive and forgetful. He would never purposefully let a secret slip but he was accident prone in more ways than one. Kendall, the leader, tended to be quick to judge on sensitive subjects. His confidence, always a morale booster in hockey games and when band rehearsals went sour, could be his downfall when James needed someone to listen instead of talk. Logan was the best listener in the world. He would sit and let James babble on and on about everything from the cute girl in fourth grade to the tragic death of his favorite uncle when the boys were ten. He listened when James talked about his dream of becoming a star in Hollywood and never once made fun of him. And then, when James asked for it, Logan would offer his advice. His logical and sensible personality always helped James see things more clearly but it was the genuine caring that Logan had no matter what James talked about, that meant the most. James had lost that part of his life.

Since Logan's death, the most sleep James had gotten in one night had been six hours. But it mostly consisted of him laying awake in his dark room, claiming about four hours of a restless slumber. He was alone in his insomniac state.

That was why James had started his late night walks in the first place. He couldn't stand the stillness of his house when his parents went to bed around midnight so one night he simply climbed out his bedroom window and started walking. He didn't know where he went or how long he had been gone but eventually he found himself back inside his room, shivering under the bed covers. He had gone out every night since and he now looked forward to the moment when the light in his parents' bedroom would go off.

The weather was typical for a Minnesota September. James wrapped his arms around himself, wishing he had thought to bring a jacket. If he got sick then his parents might find out about his nightly walks and then. . . James didn't want to think about what would happen then. He craved the time alone, away from everything familiar.

His footsteps were the only sound in the night air. His breath made little puffs of fog as he walked by the library and crossed the street. Again, he didn't know where he was going. He let his feet take him where they wanted and focused on blocking any thoughts from entering his mind.

He missed Logan. But he also missed Carlos and Kendall. He hadn't seen them in weeks and although the void in his heart ached to be filled, he knew that he never again feel completely whole. He wondered if Kendall and Carlos would just make it worse by just filling only part of the void.

Life hurt too much, James had decided. What was the point of having friends and family if they were all going to leave eventually? What was the point in getting attached to something if it would only be snatched away, leaving you broken in the process? James didn't want to lose anyone else. So that was why he let them though. Surely it would be easier to lose them voluntarily. Sure, they might have been hurt themselves by his rejection but they were better off without him. He would only drag them further down the pit of despair. It would be easier for everyone if James just distanced himself from them.

He had started out as subtle as possible. He didn't want to alarm anyone by suddenly dropping their relationship with him. He slowly pulled away. When he was with Kendall and Carlos he just didn't talk unless they talked to him. He didn't initiate a conversation anymore. It worked extremely well too. Both Kendall and Carlos had let him go without much of a fight. His parents were worried but in reality, there was little they could do. He had heard his mother talking in a hushed voice to his father about counseling and hoped it wouldn't come to that.

To avoid going to a shrink, James had to find a way to be happy. He couldn't fake it all the way. He wasn't that good of an actor. He allowed these thoughts as he turned down a dark corner and walked down a strange street. He dimly realized that he had made his way into a bad part of town, but he also realized that he didn't really care.

"Kid."

The voice came out of nowhere and James spun around in alarm. His heart pounded out of his chest, evoking the first real emotion he had experienced in a long time. His eyes widened when he recognized the figure that stepped into the light of a street lamp. "Mark Sanchez?" He asked in disbelief.

Mark laughed dryly, choking on his cigarette. "So," He smiled eerily. "You remember me, James? It's been a few years."

"It's hard to forget someone who tortured my best friends when we were little kids." James snapped. He turned to walk away from the old school bully but found an iron like grip close around his wrist. He glared at Mark. "What do you want?"

To his surprise and confusion, Mark's gaze had softened. "I've been looking around for you guys. I'm sorry about Logan."

The sound of his dead friend's name twisted the grief in James like a knife. But before he could respond, Mike spoke up again.

"You know, James." The man spit out the cigarette and crushed it under his shoe. "I've been thinking. It can't be easy having a best friend die. Especially considering how close you guys were." He held up a hand with four fingers pressed tightly together in an apparent gesture to illustrate his words. "So I was wondering if you wanted any help."

"How could you possibly help me?" James said in disgust. "No one can help me."

Mark shook his head and wagged a finger at James. He smiled a goofy smile and James noticed for the first time, that his eyes were slightly glazed over. "That's where you're wrong, my friend. See, my daddy never liked me very much. He thought I was too much of an inconvenience. So he used to beat me up when he was frustrated. I didn't think I could handle it. Let me ask you something. When was the last time you saw your friends?"

James shrugged wordlessly.

"See!" Mark pointed a finger in the air. "Your friends don't really care about you anymore. You guys don't care about each other anymore. What you need is some new friends."

"Right." James snapped. "Let me guess, you?"

But Mark shook his head. "No way, my man. I don't mean people friends." He pulled out a bag from his pocket and waved it in front of James. "James Diamond, meet your new best friends." When James only stared at him, he went on. "Don't you just want the pain to go away, James? Aren't you tired of being let down by everyone around you. Well, these little guys will never let you down. And these," He pulled another bag from his pocket. "You're looking wiped out there man. Having trouble sleeping? All you gotta do is take one of these and all your troubles will be over."

James stared at Mark. He was only a few years older than him but the guy was a mess. He was totally high and his breath reeked of a nasty mixture of alcohol and cigarette smoke. Now he was offering James drugs. James knew that he should say no and walk away. It would be stupid of him to mess around with something like that. But all he could hear was Mark telling him that his pain and troubles would go away. "How much?" He heard himself ask.

Mark grinned victoriously. "Well, seeing as how this is your first time and all, I'll give you these guys for free." He dropped the bags into James' hands. "Now, man." He warned as he lit another cigarette. "Just remember to only take one at a time. The white pills are when you want to sleep and the yellow pills are when you need to wake up. Other than that," He raised his palms in the air. "It's pretty simple. Just come find me when you need more." He patted James on the shoulder. "Sometimes all we need is a little help." With those words, he turned and left.

James watched him go and then looked down at the bags in his hands. A little help. How bad could it be if he was careful? He could get some sleep now and then get the little boost that he needed every day. He smiled softly to himself and tucked the bags away into the pocket on his sweat pants and set off for home.

He climbed in his bedroom window and immediately stuffed the pills deep into his desk drawer and locked it. He had kept one of the little white pills put and he silently walked to the bathroom, set the pill on his tongue, and swallowed, washing the bitter taste down with water.

The effect was almost instantaneous. James stumbled back into his bedroom and collapsed into his bed. A heavy sense of nothingness settled over him and whisked him away into blissful unconsciousness.

**A/N. Um. . . review?**


	8. Different Ways Down The Same Path

**A/N. Remember the scene in 'Big Time Demos' when they boys are with the stupid chimp and they're saying, "More bananas! More Big Time Rush!"? The other day I was day dreaming and got carried away. Logan was saying, "More angst! More Big Time Rush!". No, seriously. I think I should listen to my subconscious. I still don't own anything.**

"_I feel numb. I can't come to life. I feel like I'm frozen in time. Livin' in a world so cold, wasting away. Livin' in a shell with no soul since you've gone away. Livin' in a world so cold, counting the days. Since you've gone away, you've gone away." - 'World So Cold' by Three Days Grace._

Kendall opened his eyes, squinting at the bright light that streamed into his room through the window. He had forgotten to pull the shades the night before and the sun was making him pay for his mistake. He lay in bed for a minute waiting until the wave of pain that washed over him every morning had passed. Then he glanced over at his alarm clock to see what time it was. 7:09 on a Saturday morning. There was no point in staying in bed if he was awake. It always hurt worse when he wasn't keeping busy.

With a stretch, Kendall threw the covers aside and got up. He crossed his room and looked out the widow. It was annoyingly bright outside. He could see the people were already taking advantage of the nice weather because despite the early hour, kids and their parents were already outside. He didn't really care though. Everything had become about making it through the day no matter what it took. Even if it meant distancing himself from everything he once knew.

Kendall looked around his room. He had rearranged it in a way. Reminders hurt too badly so he now had a box full of odds and ends buried in his closet. The result was an empty, hollow feel to the room that reminded him of his heart. He hated it.

He shook off the ever present nagging feeling that he was going about the whole "grieving process" the wrong way and pulled his sweatshirt out of the closet, carefully averting his eyes from the box on the floor. Then he put it on and headed slowly down the stairs to the kitchen.

His mother sat at the table with the paper in her hand. Kendall couldn't tell if she was actually reading it or not but he didn't stop to really take notice. "I'm going out." He threw the words over his shoulder, hoping that she wouldn't ask him any questions. His hope was in vain.

"Kendall, wait a minute." Mrs. Knight lowered the newspaper and gazed at her son in concern. "Don't you want to eat something first?" She held back a sigh when he simply shook his head. "Well then where are you going? Why don't you call Carlos and James to see if they want to hang out?"

At her words, Kendall winced inwardly. _Carlos and James._ It used to be Carlos and James and Logan. Not anymore. "I was actually going to check out the supermarket to see if I could get my old job back." He told her, careful to keep his voice steady. Logan had wanted them to stick together and they had failed him miserably. But he had also wanted them to move on and Kendall could at least do that. He took a step backwards, hoping that this time his mother would take the hint and leave him alone. Once again his hope was wasted. He didn't even know why he bothered.

"Kendall, don't you think you should call them?" Lacey Knight stood up and walked over to her son. "It's been too long. You need each other."

His eyes burned with tears. How could he tell her that it only hurt worse to be with James and Carlos because that was when thoughts of Logan were absolutely unavoidable? How could she understand that it was just easier without them because that way he felt nothing at all? Numb. She could never understand. Kendall shrugged. "I. . . don't know, Mom. Maybe another day."

"Kendall-" She tried one last time but this time Kendall shook her off and simply walked out the door, his long legs carrying him quickly across their lawn and down the street. She watched him go, the sight blurring from the tears that had started to fall yet again.

The fresh air felt good to his damaged lungs. Kendall took a deep breath, fighting for control. He nearly lost it when he caught sight of the sympathetic looks that were sent his way from all the neighbors that were outside. He stared at his feet and trusted them to carry him to his destination.

The old supermarket was comfortingly familiar. At least it hadn't changed like everything else around him. Kendall kept his head down, avoiding any unnecessary eye contact and strode purposefully into the building. Once inside, he was forced to look up to find the manager of the store. To his relief, he spotted the middle aged man and walked quickly over to him.

"Kendall?" Mr. Rob Garrison glanced up from his intense study of a juice display to look at Kendall in surprise. Instantly, his expression melted into a mixed look of pity and confusion. "How can I help you, son?"

Kendall shifted his weight from one foot to the other and looked down uncomfortably. "Um, I was wondering if I could have my old job back." He mumbled, a burning heat coloring his face. So much for sounding mature and professional.

"Your job?" Mr. Garrison repeated, unable to hide the disbelief. He looked at Kendall closely. He was no longer the confident sixteen year old he had hired three years ago. He was broken and lost and clearly desperate for a distraction. In all honesty, his store didn't need another employee. But he couldn't bear to tell Kendall that so he nodded slowly and smiled. "Of course. I don't see why we wouldn't be able to find some time slots for you. Do you have any preferences?"

"Whatever you have." Kendall responded right away. He didn't need the money at all. All of his earnings from Big Time Rush were locked away in a savings account that he could access when he turned twenty-one, unless his mother gave him her permission. But he didn't need anything except to keep as busy as possible.

Mr. Garrison sighed and scratched his balding head before he answered. "How about you come back tomorrow after lunch and we'll talk more?"

Kendall really would have preferred to get to work right away. He had no idea what he was going to do after he left the store. It was just 8:00 in the morning and he ad the whole day ahead of him, his schedule frighteningly clear. But he couldn't argue so he simply nodded his head, mumbled a thanks, and left.

It hit him when he walked back outside to the parking lot. The memory. Roughly three years ago he and his friend had stood in the same parking lot discussing Gustavo's offer to take him to LA and make him a pop star. They had all proclaimed him an idiot for throwing away such an amazing opportunity and that had led to his brilliant idea. Before any of them knew it, they were living in high life in Hollywood. And then. . . everything had changed.

He had changed too. Three years ago the only thing that held him back from accepting Gustavo's offer was the knowledge that he would have to leave his best friends behind. He couldn't do that. Now, it was all he wanted to do.

* * *

"_Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk to you again." - 'Sounds of Silence' by Simon and Garfunkel._

They weren't even three anymore.

Carlos sat cross-legged on his bed, pondering the thought that had suddenly struck him. It was true. Despite their promises to Logan they had fallen apart so quickly that before any of them knew it, they had drifted far away from each other and Carlos couldn't imagine the damage ever being repaired. They were all too different now.

Kendall wasn't Kendall anymore. Gone was the self assured, compassionate leader Carlos had once known. In his place was a scared little boy. He had tried to hold them all together in the beginning but Carlos and James hadn't made any effort to help him. Kendall had given up far quicker than Carlos had imagined though. It was like it hurt him to try and so finally he had let them all go their separate ways. The same Kendall who for fourteen years had made sure that they all remained true to themselves and each other. The same Kendall who never backed down especially when the well-being of one of his friends was concerned. The same Kendall who- But it wasn't the same Kendall. He was different. They all were.

James wasn't James anymore. Carlos had caught a glimpse of him the other day. It had been one of those rare occasions when he had ventured outside and had been walking around aimlessly. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his old best friend crossing the street. He hadn't even recognized the figure as James until he saw his face. Because James had always walked with a confident swagger, his head held high. This boys walked with his shoulders slumped in a fashion that would make any well mannered person cringe. His steps were slow and lifeless. Carlos had almost called out to him. He had wanted to. But something had stopped him and he walked on, in the opposite direction.

Carlos wasn't Carlos anymore. He used to be full of energy and life. His smile and his laugh had been constant and contagious. He used to love waking up to a new morning and planning his adventures for the day ahead. But now he had no energy and he was completely lifeless even though his heart still beat and his lungs still functioned properly. His smile had disappeared behind the shadows on his face and his laugh had fallen silent. He woke up looking forward to the time when he could go back to bed and sleep and return to the darkness where nothing hurt. When Carlos was asleep, he felt nothing at all. And he liked it that way.

He had a constant longing to be in the darkness. At times it consumed him and nearly took his breath away with the numb feeling that spread throughout his entire being. Sometimes he hovered in that state where he was awake but still asleep. Half in and half out of consciousness, he would marvel at the lack of pain. And then suddenly he would be pulled violently from the darkness into the light and have to start all over again.

His family was worried about him. Carlos heard his parents' whispers and saw the secretive glances they sent his way. He tried to ignore them because they made him feel worse. They made him feel guilty for causing even more pain. But he couldn't reach out to them through his own suffering no matter how much they begged and pleaded. It took too much effort.

Everything took too much effort but he had to hold on. For Logan. He had already failed Logan once and Carlos couldn't bear to do it again. What would Logan think of them if he was aware what was happening? He would be so disappointed. Maybe that was what hurt the most. Logan was dead and he was never coming back and his best friends had failed him. If he had any idea what was going on, he would be absolutely crushed. Carlos could only trust that Logan had been telling them the truth when he said that he would be unaware of their suffering. Because if he did know where they had ended up. . . But no. That wasn't what hurt the most.

What hurt the most was that Kendall wasn't Kendall anymore because he had given up on caring anymore because it seemed easier that way. What hurt the most was that James wasn't James anymore because he had pushed everyone away because it seemed easier that way. What hurt the most was that Carlos wasn't Carlos anymore because he liked to feel numb because it was easier that way. What hurt the most was that Logan wasn't anymore.

* * *

"_I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything. What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end." - 'Hurt' by Johnny Cash._

James absolutely hated himself. He was such an impossible, selfish screw-up. He needed help but he continually pushed everyone away. It would be easier, he tried to convince himself, if he just let go of everything and everyone.

He tapped his foot restlessly as he waited on the dark street corner. He checked his watch and let out a frustrated sigh. Mark had told him that he would meet up with him at 1:30. It was almost 2:00 and James was getting cold. He wished he had thought to bring a sweatshirt but the more he thought about it, the less he cared. He deserved to suffer for his stupidity.

It had been two weeks since Mark had given him the bags of pills. They had been wonderful. James had been sleeping much better every night and when he woke up in the morning, he popped one of his happy pills in his mouth, swallowed it with some water, and had just enough to get him through the day.

His parents were still worried about him to be sure. But James was confident that as long as he hid any evidence, his dirty little secret would be safe and sound. He knew for a fact that Mark wouldn't say anything especially if James paid him. It was very unlikely that someone would see an exchange happening on the empty street at 2:00 in the morning. James would be fine.

Frankly, the mere idea of losing his pills scared James to death. It had only been fourteen days but already he wasn't entirely dependent whatever he was taking to help him. He couldn't do it on his own and he didn't have any friends left. His parents were worried but they had enough to deal with. He was alone.

James had been very careful to avoid thinking what Logan would say if he knew what James had been doing. It was a pointless thought because if Logan was there to be disappointed in him, then there would be no reason in the first place to take the drugs.

"Hey."

This whisper came from the shadows and James only jumped slightly before he relaxed and sighed in relief. "Mark, what took you so long?" He hissed back. "I've been waiting here for almost half and hour waiting for you to show."

"Shut up." Mark snapped. "I'm a busy man. I've got places to go, people to see. . ." He smirked. "Things to do. So," His tone changed abruptly back to that friendly tone that was so fake that James wanted to walk away. But he held on because he knew what was coming. "So, you need some new ones, it that it?"

James nodded and cleared his throat. "Yeah, uh. . . I ran out. I took one each every day."

Mark whistled. "Wow, you've got it bad, man. Every day already?" He grinned. "Hey, who knows? If you get Kendall and Carlos in on this too then you guys can be the next Beatles. Did you ever look at some of their songs?" The drug dealer shook his head. "Man, those guys probably spent at least half of their careers as high as anything. The sixties and seventies. . . those were the days. I wish I had been born back then."

James cringed at the mention of becoming a band with Carlos and Kendall. It was wrong. Another thing that was wrong, because he knew it would bother Logan, was the criticism Mark had given the Beatles. Okay, maybe they had all made a lot of bad choices but they were still about as iconic as a band could get. He didn't say anything though.

Mark seemed to sense what he wanted and grinned again. He pulled out two plastic bags and held them in front of James teasingly. "That will be a grand total of three hundred."

James didn't flinch at the price. He pulled out a wad of cash and handed it to Mark, wordlessly. Thankfully, Mark also seemed to sense that he wasn't in the mood to talk anymore because he gave James a bow and then disappeared back into the shadows.

The walk home was uneventful. James' steps were lighter than they had been on the way over, his eagerness in knowing what was waiting for him at home, hurrying him alone the dark streets. He climbed silently into his window, crossed his bedroom floor, and entered the bathroom.

The face that stared back at him through the mirror wasn't The Face. The Face was dead and James didn't care. He filled a paper cup with water and flung his head back, taking the pill and all the liquid in one big gulp. All he needed to do now was wait.

Maybe the medication had taken its effect on him quicker than usual. Because James was in a trance like state as he opened the medicine cabinet and stared blankly into it, as if waiting for an answer to all of his questions. He found one in the form of the pair of scissors sitting on the top shelf. His hand darted out and his fingers closed around his prize.

He felt a cruel sense of irony when he snipped the first bit of his hair and watched the brown locks float to the counter. But he refused to think of the last time he had stood in a bathroom getting rid of his hair. Instead he continued on until he had nothing left but a dull, shapeless head of hair. He ran his fingers through it and smiled grimly. He may as well look different if he was going to be different. The hair cut was awful to be sure. Uneven and choppy, it fit him perfectly.

James went to set the scissors back in the cabinet when he accidentally bumped something off. It tumbled to the counter, hitting his arm of its way down. A stinging sensation rippled through his arm and James looked down at the culprit.

It was a razor, it's blade staring back at him. He picked it up, turning the tool over in his hands. It was really such a harmless thing if used correctly. But if used in a different way. . .

James hesitated. He couldn't stoop any lower. But the stinging in his arm had yet to go away and it had distracted himself from the pain in his heart. So James wasn't thinking clearly when he dragged the razor lightly across his arm and watched the thin line of blood appear. All he knew was that it felt so good to feel a different kind of pain.

**A/N. So there's not much I can say. Review? I'll try to update 'Innocence Lost' tomorrow? I love you? Review?**


	9. Falling Slowly

A/N. So iTunes has a free download of Big Time Rush live at NYC Times Square. There. That should keep you from murdering me after you read this chapter. I don't own anything.

"_Wake me up (Bid my blood to run). I can't wake up (before I come undone). Save me, save me from the nothing I've become." - 'Bring Me To Life' by Evanescence._

As soon as he woke up, Kendall wanted to go back to sleep until the day was over. The pain was unavoidable and incredibly intense. He curled into himself and squeezed his eyes shut, begging for sleep to return to him. There was no way he could make it through the entire day. But the pain was too much for him to even drift off.

Resigning himself to the day ahead, Kendall got out of his bed, the covers seeming to weigh him down. He didn't bother to pick them up from the floor when they fell. Instead he stepped over them and crossed the cold wooden floor to his dresser. He didn't even take notice of the clothes he pulled out but quickly changed to keep the Minnesota fall weather from making him even colder.

When he was done, Kendall dropped to his bed and sat in silence. He didn't want to go downstairs. He was terrified of what he might find there. His arms were clenched around his middle and he struggled to take a deep breath. Tears burned his eyes and his head ached from the effort of holding everything inside. He couldn't break down. Logan wouldn't want him to do that. Especially today.

It was Kendall's birthday. He was twenty years old but he felt about ninety. Every part of him ached and he felt tired. So tired. So old.

It was impossible to avoid thinking of his two previous birthdays. When he was eighteen Logan had set up a date for him and Jo and the couple had gone to a hockey game. It had been a complete disaster. Kendall had been so worried about Logan that he hadn't paid any attention to his girlfriend or the game. Fortunately, Jo had always been understanding and that night was no exception. Halfway through the game she knew that Kendall's misery wasn't going to lift and they had gone home. Once back at Palm Woods, Kendall had relaxed because he could see for himself that Logan was still very much in one piece. They had a lot of fun together, Kendall and Jo with all of their best friends. But it didn't compare to the following year.

Everything had been so perfect back then. Logan was healthy, Big Time Rush was becoming a household name, they had entered their senior year, it was all just so. . . good. Kendall's friends had thrown him a huge surprise party and it had been a true celebration. Everyone had been happy.

Today was by far the worst birthday ever. Kendall felt like ripping his calendar off the wall and shredding it into tiny pieces to rid himself of at least one reminder of the horrible date. A sob caught in his throat and he slid off his bed onto the floor. His entire body shook and he cried until he felt sick to his stomach.

The door opened and Kendall heard footsteps before someone dropped down beside him. A ridiculous hope that it was one of his friends surged through him and then he remembered that he didn't have any friends left. He had pushed everyone he hadn't lost, far away.

"Kendall."

It was his father. Part of him was surprised that his father was even there in the first place while another part was slightly disappointed that it wasn't James or Carlos or. . . But most of Kendall didn't care who it was. He turned and clung to his father's shirt, sobbing hard into his chest. His sobs were barely muffled even though his face was pressed so hard into his father that he felt slightly stifled by the cloth. He could not stop shaking even when his father' arms held him so tightly that his breath had all but left him.

Jefferey Knight held his son while he cried. He didn't say anything. He couldn't speak around the lump that had lodged itself deep in his throat. Besides, there was nothing he could say that would bring Kendall an ounce of comfort. He tightened his grip, afraid that Kendall was slipping away from him. Tears flowed freely down his own face as he rocked gently back and forth, holding onto Kendall.

"I. . . can't." Kendall gasped out in between sobs. "I can't do this. It. . . hurts too. . . much. Make it stop, dad. Make. . . it stop. . . hurting."

One of the worst things in the world as a parent is seeing your child in pain and being utterly helpless to take any of that pain away. Jeffery shut his eyes and listened to Kendall's sobs, longing to have words to say to him. Anything. But he was robbed of speech by the grief that was tearing him apart like it was doing to his son. "I'm so sorry, Kendall." He finally said. "If there was any way I could make it hurt less then I would. You know that right?"

Kendall's sobs had slowed enough so that he could breath properly. But he didn't pull away from his father and merely nodded his head, his nose rubbing painfully against the rough material of his father's shirt.

Both father and son were quiet for a long while, each lost in their own thoughts. Then Kendall looked up at his father and Jeffery's heart broke all over again at the pain in his green eyes. "I don't think I can go to work today." He said in a soft whisper.

"Your mom already called Mr. Garrison." Mr. Knight said quietly. He stroked Kendall's hair out of his eyes. "You don't have to do anything today, Kendall. But-" He stopped when Kendall flinched and pulled away slightly as if he knew what was coming. He sighed and continued. "Kendall, your mother and I were talking and. . . we were thinking that maybe you should call Carlos and James today."

Kendall started shaking his head before his father was done speaking. "I can't." He said in a broken voice. "It doesn't make it easier. It makes it harder. When we're together we miss him more."

"But Kendall, it takes time." Jeffery said desperately. "You boys have been best friends for the longest time. They're hurting too. You need to heal together. You can't do it on your own. You need help."

"Help?" Kendall snapped. "Like a shrink, Dad? I don't need help. I'm doing fine on my own. I'm allowed to cry on my birthday. I don't want to see them and they don't want to see me. We're not friends anymore. It hurts too much. I'm moving on. I have a job and I'll go to college next year and. . ." He trailed off, his rant already making no sense even to him. "Please." He whispered to his father who had reached out to him again. "Just. . . don't."

"Kendall-" His father started but Kendall cut him off again.

"No. I need to be alone, please. It can be my birthday present." With that, Kendall turned and rushed down the stairs, nearly tripping in his haste. He was blinded by his tears but e somehow managed the front door and evade his mother. The cold air hit him like a kick in the gut but Kendall kept running. He didn't know where he was headed and he didn't care. He just had to get away from his house.

He had told his dad that he was moving on but even Kendall himself knew that it wasn't true. It was like he was running in place, getting nowhere fast.

It was the worst birthday ever.

* * *

"_I'm falling apart. I'm barely breathing. With a broken heart that's still beating." - 'Broken' by Lifehouse._

It was Kendall's birthday.

That was the first thing Carlos had thought of when he woke up that morning. He wanted to pick up the phone and call Kendall. But what could he say? Telling him to have a happy birthday would be cruel. Carlos wanted to call both of his friends and apologize for letting them slip away from him. But he couldn't. There was nothing to say. He was positive that James and Kendall hated him. He was positive that they all hated each other. Because as much as his heart ached to see them again, he didn't see how they could ever be together again. Too much time had passed.

It was amazing that he was still alive. The pain he suffered on a daily basis, the craving he felt all day every day to climb into bed and sleep for hours at a time. . . His depression had such a strong grip on him that Carlos had simply stopped trying to keep from sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness. He didn't even feel guilty anymore. He didn't feel anymore.

But the thought of one of his former friends having to deal with a day that was supposed to be happy when it most certainly wasn't. . . Carlos didn't even want to think about his birthday coming up later. Before his birthday came James' and then. . . then Logan's.

Carlos flinched at the thought. What was he supposed to do when that day came? And what about Christmas? Could it possibly be any harder? He couldn't imagine.

His gaze swung over to the alarm clock on his desk. 2:17 in the afternoon. Eight more hours before he could go to bed without worrying his family any more. Well, seven hours and forty-three minutes to be exact. That sounded better. Not as long.

Carlos sighed and stood up, the book he had been staring at for an hour straight, falling to the floor with a dull thud. He stood in the middle of the room, uncertain of what he had even got up for in the first place. The house was quiet. Everyone had finally left him alone. He craved time alone and at the same time he would get so unbearably lonely. He didn't know what to do with himself anymore.

Unable to think of anything else, Carlos headed down the stairs, plopped down on the couch and turned the TV on. He flicked through the channels until he came to one of those mundane celebrity gossip shows. He set the remote down and let himself zone out. The host, babbling something about Jenifer Lopez and _American Idol_ made it easy to stop thinking entirely.

He had no idea how long he sat there but suddenly a lone word caught his attention and sucked the breath from him.

"Cancer."

If he had been smarter he would have changed the channel or turned the TV off all together. But he was frozen to the screen. The pretty blonde wasn't the stupid host from the show he had started "watching". It was someone else. It was a different show. Despite himself, Carlos leaned forward and watched and listened intently, showing more life than he had in months.

"Cancer affect many, both young and old. The most recent star struck down by the deadly disease was nineteen year old Logan Mitchell, formally of the boy band Big Time Rush."

There was a ringing in his ears but Carlos could still hear every single word that suddenly seemed to be yelling at him. But perhaps what captured his attention even more was the familiar face on the TV screen, frozen in a still shot. Logan and the rest of Big Time Rush were standing soaking wet on a stage in New York City. Carlos hardly noticed the three of them though. Logan had a huge grin on his face and he surveyed the crowd, his eyes alive with excitement. Logan.

"Mitchell was diagnosed with acute myelogenous leukemia when he was just seventeen years old. Shortly after leaning the news, Big Time Rush put their record deal on hold in hopes that their band member would recover. And he did. A little over a year later, the band learned that Logan had indeed beaten his disease. After that Big Time Rush became famous and toured the country, released a CD and for the moment, lived their lives like normal teenage boys. But then Mitchell suffered a relapse and lost his battle shortly after. Big Time Rush has since split up and-"

Carlos' shaking hand finally found the power button on the remote. The horrific dialog was replaced by a blessed silence and he let out a shaky sigh. How in the world could they reduce Logan's life to those few lines? It was as if he had been nothing but a mere statistic to them.

A sudden rage that had been buried deep under his grief came rising to the surface and Carlos suddenly flung the remote against the TV. A spider web crack shivered across the screen and the back of the remote snapped off, the batteries flying across the room.

Without even thinking Carlos pounded up the stairs to his room. He slammed his closet door open and dragged a cardboard box out from under a pile of clothes and ran back downstairs with it. He was shaking with anger and wild sobs as he tipped the box upside down, paper cranes of all sizes and colors spilling onto the floor.

He had been stupid. So stupid to think that folding a bunch of paper birds would save his friend. It was just a stupid legend and had done absolutely nothing. They were pointless and all they did now was remind him of his loss. So Carlos hardly thought at all as he scooped up armfuls of paper cranes and flung them into the fireplace.

He was glad they lived in Minnesota where fireplaces were often in working order from September to March. His father had set the fire before his parents and sisters had left and the flames had started to die. But the paper ignited on the hot coals and soon the fire was back, flames leaping and dancing in red and orange and yellow. Carlos watched as the paper cranes melted in the intense heat and stared at the blackened remains. Then he collapsed to the floor and cried.

* * *

"_There's really no way to reach me 'cause I'm already gone." - 'Vienna' by The Fray._

James sat on the bed, his entire body twitching nervously. His parents were up later than usual that night and it felt like he had been waiting for hours for them to finally go to bed. He sighed and brushed a shaking hand through his short hair. As he did, his long sleeve slipped up his arm and he caught a glimpse of a scar there. He quickly shoved the sleeve back down, grateful for once in his life that he lived in the cold state of Minnesota.

He had to get his new habit under control. The drugs were relatively easy to hide. All he had to do was keep them in the back of his closet and no one would ever know. But eventually, the weather outside would be too warm to go around wearing long sleeves. He was just grateful that it was still September. He had plenty of time.

James' breath caught in his throat as a sudden thought hit him. Kendall had turned twenty that day. His best friend. . . no, his _old _best friend was twenty years old. Kendall probably hated him from avoiding both him and Carlos. Carlos probably hated him too. James couldn't blame them because he hated himself too. He was a shell of his former self, if that. He took drugs on a daily basis to get through that days and nights, he cut himself, and James felt that it was only a matter of time before he took up another foolish habit.

A knock at the door almost made James fall off his bed. The door opened and his parents walked in. "James?" His father stood uncertainly in the doorway.

"Hi, Dad." James heard his voice crack slightly and he cleared his throat before he spoke again. "What's up? Are you guys headed to bed pretty soon? I think I'm going to turn in soon. I'm pretty tired. It was a long day." _Shut up!_ He told himself. He sounded like an idiot rambling nervously like that. His parents were sure to become suspicious is he kept it up.

"Are you okay, James?" His mother sank down on the bed next to him and placed a hand on his knee. "I imagine today was hard." Tears filled her eyes and James had to look away.

"Yeah but. . . what day isn't, you know?" James studied his feet for a while before lifting his head and faking an enormous yawn. "I'll see you guys tomorrow, okay?"

His father took a few steps closer, looking at him in concern. "James, is everything okay? I mean, I know that you miss. . . Logan." He paused, taking note of the flash of pain in James' eyes at the name. "But your mother and I have been worried about you. We don't think that you're. . . coping well. You haven't seen Kendall and Carlos in months and-"

"You know what?" James interrupted. "I'm not okay. That's obvious. Do you really expect me to? My best friend is dead and. . . and I don't know who my other best friends are anymore." He took a deep breath and went on. "But I think we just need some space, you know? Time to deal with this on our own."

"It was Kendall's birthday today." His mother said softly.

James drew away from her touch. "I know. Believe me, I know. I wanted to call him but. . . I don't know. It's so hard. Honestly? It hurts worse when I'm with them because every time I am, I'm reminded of what's missing. But maybe it'll get easier soon. I don't know. The only thing I do know is that I can't deal with it right now. I just want to be alone. . . to think."

Neither of his parents looked convinced but his mother nodded and stood up, letting her husband drape an arm over her shoulders. They stood looking down at their son before she spoke up again. "James, you do know that if you ever need to talk about anything, we're here for you, right?"

_If only they knew._ James thought bitterly. But he was glad they didn't because it would only hurt them worse. So he managed to paste a fake smile on his face and nod. "I know. Thanks."

"We love you." His mother bent and kissed him on the cheek and then they both hugged him. James braced himself against the tears that were poised to fall and hugged them back lightly, muttering something that even he couldn't decipher. Then at last, they left and he was alone.

He waited another hour after their bedroom light went of and then jumped up. He crept across the floor and pulled open his dresser drawer and took out his wallet. Then he froze, his mouth drying in fear. The wallet was empty. He had no money left. _No, no, no._ He chanted to himself as he frantically turned the other pockets inside out and then rummaged through the drawer. Nothing. He had nothing.

_This can't be happening._ He thought, tears coming to his eyes. He needed that money. How would he make it through the next day? His hand shook as he shut the drawer and stumbled back over to his bed. His mind raced for an idea. One hit him and he was so panicked that he didn't think twice.

It was much riskier than his old plan but desperate times called for desperate measures. James was desperate. As silently as he could, he headed downstairs into the dinning room and over to the locked chest. His fingers trembled as he picked the lock with a paper clip and slid the drawer open. He lifted out a stack of green bills and slid his prize into his pocket before heading back up to his room. He still needed to use his bedroom window if he wanted to leave quietly.

The night air was chilly and James walked fast down the familiar path. Soon he had reached the street corner where he found Mark already waiting for him in the shadows.

"Thought you chickened out tonight." Mark commented dryly when he saw James approach. "What slowed you down?"

"My parents." James muttered, avoiding Mark's curious stare. When the older boy was silent, he jerked his chin up. "So, did you bring anything for me?" He sounded like such a drug addict that it made him feel slightly sick.

"Chill, man." Mark held up his hands. "Here." He brought two bags from out of his coat pocket and held them in the air. "Money first." He said when James tried to take the bags.

James sighed and yanked the bills from his pocket and shoved them into Mark's free hand and took the bags in exchange. "Thanks." He mumbled as he turned to go.

"Wait." Mark suddenly grabbed James' arm and he had to bite his lip to keep from crying out in pain. The tight grip wrapped around his arm where he had cut himself that morning and made the small injury sting. "So, James." Mark caught the wince and raised his eyebrow but didn't question James. "I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me and some of my buddies sometime in the near future. You still look like you need a distraction."

James shook his head. "No, I-" But he stopped in mid-sentence as a painful thought occurred to him. It was his birthday in three weeks. He would be twenty soon. He didn't know how he would make it through the day, no matter how many pills he could safely take. He needed a distraction at least on that day. He pushed back the thought of another, more painful day and looked up at Mark. "My birthday is in three weeks." His voice was tiny and Mark grinned.

"Aw, man." He said, shaking his head. "First days like that are always the worst. Just wait until-" He saw James' face and stopped, shrugging his shoulders. "Well then, meet me here in two weeks, same place, same time and I'll have a fake ID for you if you bring me an extra one-fifty. Deal?"

James nodded before he could even consider Mark's offer. "Deal." He replied, relief flooding his voice. Then he watched Mark give his customary farewell bow and disappear into the darkness.

He had no memory of walking back home, climbing into his bedroom window, popping another pill, and falling into bed. Because all he could think of was how much he hated himself and how utterly worthless his life had become.

**A/N. Be honest. How many of you hate me right now? Because I have exceeded awfulness and it's just awful right now. This chapter took me two days to write because I was sad and I was brainstorming for future chapters and oh my goodness. But please, if you liked this at all, review. Reviews keep me writing!**


	10. Going Under

**A/N. Tonight at work I consumed far too much caffeine than is actually healthy. But I did it so that I can pull an all-nighter and write. Because I love you all. I don't own anything.**

"_Right now I feel just like a leaf on a breeze. Who knows where it's blowing? Who knows where it's going?" - 'Nothing I've Ever Known' by Bryan Adams._

Kendall wondered what James was doing. Today was his birthday. He turned twenty just three weeks after Kendall himself had. Kendall hadn't celebrated his birthday. He had spent his birthday wandering aimlessly around town for hours. The lone upside of that horrible day had been the fact that when he got back home after dark, he had been utterly exhausted and had instantly fallen into a deep sleep. But that was all.

They had seen each other the other day. Kendall had been stocking shelves and James had passed by. At first, Kendall didn't even recognize him because his hair was cut in an angry, choppy way that transformed the rest of him. They had literally been six feet away from each other but it felt like so much further. Was that the way Logan had felt with his dad? Kendall had made eye contact with James for a split second before both boys looked away quickly and James walked on. But in that short amount of time, Kendall saw the torture in his own heart, mirrored in his old friend's eyes. It had been physically painful to see James which gave Kendall reason to believe that they were all right to distance themselves from one another. But he still couldn't keep from wondering about James on his birthday. And even though it wasn't his birthday, he couldn't help but think of Carlos as well.

In all honestly, Kendall hadn't seen Carlos at all since the last time all three of them had been together so many months ago. He had only heard rumors, awful rumors about Carlos. They ranged from Carlos locking himself in his room 24/7 to Carlos being sent away to a mental institution. Kendall refused to believe any of it. Carlos was fine. He didn't need Kendall or even James for that matter. He was much better off without them to drag him down.

Kendall sighed and straightened a stack of bread before turning his attention to an inquiring customer. He blushed at the question. "_Depends_ are in aisle twelve." He barely refrained from mumbling, telling himself that the elderly person in front of him probably had enough trouble hearing. He groaned. How much lower could he possibly sink? Just a year or so ago he had been a member of a popular boy band. Before that, he had been an all-star hockey player. Now he was selling granny diapers to old people and hating himself for being so rotten about it.

"Excuse me."

Biting back a frustrated sigh, Kendall turned to see a middle aged man looking at him curiously, a spark of recognition in his sharp blue eyes. Inwardly, he cringed, positive that he would just explode all over the place if the guy said anything about Big Time Rush. "Can I help you?"

"You can tell me where to find Kendall Knight." The stranger replied.

Kendall blinked. He had no idea how to respond to that. He imagined exploding all over the bread and the bagels. Mr. Garrison wouldn't be happy. He would have much preferred to tell the man where to find baking soda or Jell-O or even those freaking granny diapers. He did not want to tell him where to find Kendall Knight. He wasn't even sure Kendall Knight existed anymore. "That's me." He responded intelligently.

The man's face lite up. "Ah, I thought so! It's been a few years of course since I last saw you out on the ice but I can see it now." He held out his hand. "My name is Jack Olsen. I'm the new head coach for the Minnesota Braves, the independent hockey team that played at the rink about fifteen minutes from here."

"Oh?" Kendall asked stupidly. He failed to see where this Mr. Olsen was going with his explanation and why he was so intent on speaking to Kendall. So he merely fell silent and waited expectantly for a more thorough explanation.

Mr. Olsen shifted uncomfortably at Kendall's prolonged silence then cleared his throat. "Kendall, I've come to ask you to come to the try-outs were holding in a couple of weeks." He said bluntly.

"Oh." Kendall repeated, though this time in surprise. Play hockey again? The thought had never occurred to him.

But as he stood there, considering the man's proposal, Kendall began to like the idea more and more. Play hockey again. Maybe this was the distraction he had been waiting for. Logan would like him to get back into his old love of the sport, wouldn't he? Sure, Kendall had tried going to the rink and skate to clear his head but maybe being on a team would be different. He would definitely be moving on, that was for sure. "Sure." He finally said, giving Mr. Olsen another hand shake. "That sounds great. I'd be happy to come and try out."

The hockey coach's face lit up in eagerness. "Fantastic. We'd love to see you there." He handed Kendall a business card and a flier. "Here's my number if you need to reach me and ask me a question. And the flier has all the information on the try-outs that you'll need." He grinned broadly. "Thanks for your time, Kendall. I'll see you at the rink."

Kendall simply nodded and watched the man leave. He folded the flier and stuck in, along with the card, in his pocket before resuming work. The details could wait. But as he worked, Kendall found himself looking forward to the end of his shift instead of dreading it. More than once he considered taking a peek at the paper to at least see the date and time. He found it harder than he had expected to wait though, and as soon as Angela, the gum-chewing freshman in high school came to replace him, Kendall was walking out the door and hurriedly unfolding the flier.

The single sheet of paper was bright green and his eyes scanned over the words, growing more and more excited as he read about the team. But then his eyes stopped and came to rest on the date the try-outs were to be held. The familiar pain twisted in his stomach and Kendall crumbled up the paper and tossed in a nearby wastebasket before heading on home, feeling low all over again.

* * *

"_All I really want to do is to fall into the emptiness that is the space in between us, to break this division. All I really want to do is to fall into the emptiness that is the space in between us, erase it and bring us together again." - 'Space In Between Us' by Building 429'._

Carlos really wanted his friends back. He missed them. He knew he couldn't have Logan back and the knowledge hurt like anything, but he still had Kendall and James didn't he? Maybe not now but could he get them back?

It was James' birthday and Carlos decided that he couldn't go on without his friends anymore. The only thing that held him back was the fear of being rejected by them and it was strong enough to keep him from picking up the phone or running over to their houses. He didn't know what to do. He was lost.

What made it even worse was the fact that Logan would have known exactly what to do in a situation. But Logan wasn't there to run to anymore and ask for advice. He was gone for good and he was never coming back.

There had to be some way to get his friends back though. There _had_ to. They had been too close for too long to drift apart so easily. Carlos ignored the fact that just last week he had really wanted no part of any relationship. He wondered at the change in himself but didn't dwell on it. What he needed was a plan.

Kendall always had a plan. Logan's genius had always saw and fixed the flaws in those plans and James' unwavering confidence had always helped those plans to carry through and succeed. What did Carlos ever do? Run around with his helmet on? How had that ever helped? Carlos snorted and shook his head in self-disgust. Had he really done anything to help his friends out? Or had he just been a goof ball, never serious?

Before the thought finished crossing his mind, another one was right on its heels, louder and comforting. He had been a good friend. He had been the smile when they needed one the most but when there was nothing to be said or done, he was still there ready to provide whatever was needed. Sure, maybe his personality traits were a little blurred compared to his friends. Often, people didn't take him seriously enough because he was almost constantly bouncing off of the walls. But his friends knew better. Or rather, they _had_ known better.

Carlos sighed. He thought again of how they all had changed and he hated it all the more. He hated how he had practically become a mute, stirring up rumors that he had gone crazy in his grief. Logan would be crushed and Carlos was forever grateful that his friend was oblivious of their sufferings. He knew that Logan would feel guilty and disappointed in them at the same time. Carlos hated it when Logan blamed himself for stupid things that he had no control over and he also hated the thought of Logan being disappointed in him. In all of them.

A sudden thought struck him and before he had time to consider what he might feel if he actually went through with the plan, Carlos stood up, grabbed a jacket, and walked out into the brisk Minnesota air. He blinked in the sunlight, his eyes unaccustomed to everything else but his dark room. Pulling his jacket tighter, he walked quickly, for the first time in his life, knowing exactly where he was headed.

To his relief, the cemetery was empty except for the birds and other animals that ran when they heard the loud crackling of leaves underneath Carlos' feet. Overhead, a breeze whispered gently through the tree branches. Carlos shivered a little but walked on.

When he reached his destination, Carlos dropped down to his knees in front of the headstone. In the back of his mind, he ridiculed himself for not bringing flowers or something to brighten up the gray area. But it didn't really matter. "Hey, Logan." He said softly before breaking down into tears.

The tears he cried that day were different somehow. The grief still clung to him like a blanket that was too heavy and suffocating. But it felt strangely lighter and Carlos didn't both to question way. He bent his head to the ground and cried until he had run dry of tears for the time being.

When he was finished, he stayed curled up in a ball, afraid that the miniscule sense of peace that had settled over him would shatter if he moved an inch. It wouldn't last long, he knew that. But he was determined to keep it as long as possible.

It surprised him. He had always thought that going to Logan's grave would be even more painful. But the pain had been numbed for the time being and his entire body flooded with relief.

And guilt.

"Logan, I'm sorry I didn't come earlier." His voice was muffled against his jacket sleeve. "I was afraid. And I'm sorry that I didn't try to keep us together. I'm sorry I lied. I'm so sorry for everything, Logan. I let you down."

Carlos sat up slowly and went on. "But I need to change. I need to go back to the old me because I hate the new me. The new me hurts and ignores people I love. I've been avoiding everyone for so long because I was afraid of letting them in. And now I'm afraid I've lost the two most important people I have left in my life. Because I know my family will take me back. They're been waiting for me since day one. But Kendall and James. . . Has it been too long, Logan? Is it too late?"

His eyes were filling up once more but this time only a few tears tracked their way down his face. "Logan, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can make it without Kendall and Carlos. You said it yourself, we don't work very well on our own. Why didn't we listen to you? Why did we break our promise to you and fall apart so easily? I thought our friendship was stronger than that."

"Here's what scares me, Logan. I'm afraid that you were the glue that held us together. Without you, we can't. . . I don't even know. But now that you're gone, it's almost like we never knew each other. That kills me, Logan. It's killing me. I want to do something about it so bad but I don't know what. I need you, Logan. I need you."

Carlos knew that Logan wasn't going to answer him. He couldn't. He was dead and there was no such thing as ghosts. He remembered how he and Logan had teamed up to figure out what was going on around Palm Woods, their first year in California. He had been convinced that a ghost was behind all the mysterious happens but Logan typically went with the logically side of things until they had actually seen the ghost. Of course, Logan had been right in the end. The 'ghost' had been Stephanie.

Stephanie. Carlos' throat tightened. He had pushed her away too. After the funeral he had returned just two of her calls. How many people had he hurt, perhaps irreversibly?

"I need help, Logan."

There. He had said it. He didn't mean help from a counselor who didn't really care about his issues. He simply meant he needed help fixing what had been broken. Because he had no idea how to go about it. How could he just walk back into Kendall's and James' lives like nothing had ever happened?What if they didn't want him back? What if it had just been too long? What if it was too little, too late?

Carlos couldn't help but think of Logan's father. After the death of his wife when the boys were just six, Ryan Mitchell had allowed his grief to consume him and distance himself from his only son. He had nearly destroyed Logan when he abandoned him after his first diagnosis of cancer. Kendall, James, and Carlos had all hated him for tearing Logan to pieces the way he had. But now that he thought of it, Carlos realized with growing horror, that they had been doing the same exact thing.

The new found knowledge was sickening. Carlos felt like such an idiot that it had taken him so long to realize that he had been nothing but a hypocrite the past several months. "Logan, even now I don't understand why someone as brilliant as you would have us as friends. We've been so stupid. Do you think we can ever be us again? Even without you?"

They could. Carlos suddenly felt sure of that one thing. Logan had told them himself that they would be okay eventually. Was it eventually yet? Carlos had finally stumbled upon the one truth that kept him from fading out all together. That after Pandora opened the box that she had been told not to, all the evil things had escaped out into the world. But hope remained. There was always hope. Carlos still needed a plan. So for the time being, all he could do was hope that it wasn't too late.

* * *

"_But now the currents only pulling me down, it's getting harder to breath. It won't be too long and I'll be going under." - 'It's Not My Time' by 3 Doors Down._

If a day could possibly be worse, then James didn't think he could survive it. Today was hard enough. He had woken up, gasping for air and soaked in sweat. While his pills continued to help him sleep at night he had started to have vivid nightmares the past two weeks and he wondered if they could be a side effect. He was stuck then because without the pills he wouldn't sleep at all but with them he would have nightmares.

Last night he had dreamed he was walking with his friends. All of them. Even Logan. But the strangest thing was how he didn't feel sad at all when he saw Logan. Instead it felt natural that he would be there like he was never gone in the first place. He and his friends were talking and laughing like old times. Everything was perfect. And then James would turn his head at a strange sound, only to turn back around and discover that his friends had continued walking and were slowly disappearing into the shadows. So he ran after them, calling their names, begging for them to wait. But they were all talking and laughing so loud that they didn't hear him and before James knew it, they were gone and he was completely alone.

He had been convinced that after waking up from the dream to his real life nightmare that the day would only continue to go downhill. And for once he had been right. His parents had actually wanted to celebrate his twentieth birthday. Celebrate it! Like there was a reason to celebrate his birth. Then again, they were still somehow fooled by his act.

If one part of the old James Diamond remained, it was his ability to act. Even when the drugs were flowing through him and he felt light headed and unnaturally happy, he managed to hide those feelings. For the most part anyway.

More and more though he felt sure that his parents were on to his sick little game. At the very least they were becoming suspicious. He had tried to back off and only take pills once every other day but the first day he had experimented that idea had been his last. Withdrawal was a terrible thing.

There had also been another incident where his parents had almost discovered his cutting too. It had been an unseasonably warm day right after Kendall's birthday. James had dressed in a black long sleeve shirt and his father had innocently questioned his rather odd choice in clothing on such a warm day. James had panicked and if it hadn't been the phone ringing then his father probably would have found out. But James' aunt, his father's sister had called to talk and James had gotten away. He didn't know how much longer he could hold on though.

Every day was harder. Whether he had a nightmare or not, James always woke up feeling like his lungs were being crushed under a great weight. Today, his birthday, had been just short of unbearable. He had refused to let his parents even acknowledge the significance of the date because secretly, he felt about as significant as a mosquito. And even that was an insult to the pesky insect.

Now, with the music pulsing in the back ground and the weird, dim, party lights that always gave him a head ache flicking back and forth, James wondered why he even bothered with anything anymore. He had gone to the bar with Mark and his posse in hopes of forgetting what the day was. But for some reason it was all he could think of.

"James." Mark appeared at his elbow without warning, his eyes glazed over from about six beers to many. His breath reeked of alcohol and James recoiled a bit. "Yo man," Mark continued speaking in a slurred voice as if he didn't notice James' repulsion. "Ya gotta have a drink, dude. Loosen up. You're like, way tense and that's gonna make the employees here think something's up. If they find out that you have a fake ID then we're all screwed."

But James couldn't possibly sink that low. He shook his head. "I'm good thanks." He insisted. Either Mark hadn't heard him or he had chosen to ignore him. Either way, James suddenly found himself with a cold, glass bottle in his hand. He stared at Mark and shook his head. "Mark-"

"Just take a swig, would ya?" Mark snapped. "I swear, Diamond, if they catch on to us you won't live to pop another pill."

James faintly wondered if he even wanted to live in the first place. But against his better judgment, because he apparently didn't have access to that anymore, James placed the bottle to his lips and tilted his head back.

The liquid burned like fire going down his throat and instantly he felt light headed. He gasped and sputtered until Mark thumped him on the back. His eyes watered and his chest hurt for a reason other then the grief that pained it daily. When he could finally breath properly again he heard Mark laughing at him with one of his buddies. He heard them joking about how he couldn't handle alcohol. So he lifted the bottle to his lips once again and took a deeper drink, so deep that Mark and the other guy stopped to stare at him.

"Easy, man." Mark finally advised, looking anxious. "Jack needs to go down nice and easy."

"Jack?" James was surprised when he heard his own voice slurring already.

"Jack Daniels, man." Mark informed him with a huge grin. "If you ever need to forget something or someone, Jack's your best friend."

"I thought you said that my pills were my best friends." James said in drunken confusion.

"Different friends for different needs." Mark stated simply. "You'll figure it out one day." He and his friend caught sight of the same woman then and both headed off to claim her.

James slumped down into a nearby chair, holding his head. He was drunk but not too drunk to tell that he had slipped yet again. Tears began to fall freely from his face but everyone who looked at him assumed that he was just plastered. But James was fully aware that his life was wasted just like him.

**A/N. It's 3:30am and way too early for this much angst. But I had the perfect opportunity to write all of this tonight and I had tons of caffeine flowing through my body too so I figured, hey, why not? However the caffeine has lost its effect long ago and I am barely coherent as I type this. I should go to bed now. Reviews are love.**


	11. Move Along

**A/N. Warning: EXTREME ANGST IN THIS CHAPTER. I don't own anything. -dies-**

"_We tried to wash our hands of all of this. We never talk of our lack in relationships, and how we're guilt stricken, sobbing with our heads on the floor. We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip." - 'The Freshmen' by The Verve Pipe._

Kendall was pretty sure that somewhere down the road, he had become a masochist, a glutton for punishment, addicted to some twisted form of self-harm where he engaged in any activity that made his heart hurt. If he still had a heart. But why else would he be standing in the middle of a hockey rink on Logan's birthday if he didn't enjoy the throbbing on the left side of his chest?

He had thrown away the try-out flier the minute he saw the date on the bright green sheet of paper. But he hadn't forgotten. He had laid awake all night long, tossing and turning as he wrestled with his choice. To go or not to go? That was the question.

On one hand, a part of him was positive that Logan would want him to go and try-out. He would want Kendall to move on with his life and getting back into his old love of hockey seemed to be a good way to do just that. But on the other hand, Kendall felt disloyal, He felt lost, confused, hurt, angry, empty, and incomplete.

Ultimately, he had decided to go for two reasons. Hockey had always been his escape. It had failed him shortly after Logan's death but maybe he had been going about the whole thing the wrong way. Maybe he needed real hockey instead of just skating in circles by himself. He needed to be a part of a team again. The other reason had come to him when he got up that morning and realized that he really didn't want to see his mother or Katie that day. So he left them a note and set off for the rink.

But when he arrived, Kendall felt confused all over again. He stood stupidly in the door way, letting other players brush roughly past him in their rush to get to the ice. He watched as they high fived each other, the adrenaline touching everyone but him. He had never felt so out of place in a hockey rink before.

He stayed though, weather it was because he liked it when his heart ached, or because he was stupid enough to believe that the day would somehow get better, Kendall wasn't sure. It had yet to get better and he had been there for just over an hour. Then again, the pain wasn't getting worse either. He felt numb and when he shivered, it had nothing to do with the cold temperature of the rink and the ice beneath his feet.

"Knight!"

He snapped his head up at the sharp voice of one of the assistant coaches. He wished they all didn't feel the need to talk so loudly. His head throbbed painfully from the lack of sleep the night before and the noise only made it worse. "Yeah?" He had meant to sound more polite or possibly even eager to please but his voice sounded hollow and it frightened him.

The man who resembled a laughable cross between Jay Leno and a real life Homer Simpson stared silently as if he was wondering what he was supposed to do with the listless boy in front of him. Then he sighed and gave Kendall instructions on the next drill.

Kendall heard a sound coming from the man's lips but the words made no sense. He nodded his head though, as if he knew exactly what the guy was talking about and pushed off to the end of the rink the man had indicated with a beefy arm. He bought time by skating slowly because it occurred to him that he really had no idea what he had just been told.

He had finally decided that coming to the rink had been nothing but a big fat mistake and he hated himself for even thinking that he could play hockey again. What had once been natural and instinctive to him had become strange and foreign. His skates felt heavy on his feet and his hockey stick felt awkward in his hands. What was the point? He didn't belong on the rink anymore.

Kendall reached his destination and stood uncertainly. Everything felt so wrong and out of place. He watched as the other players on the ice skated wildly, intent on gaining control of the puck. Dimly he heard someone shouting to him and then everything changed.

Suddenly he was no longer in the Minnesota hockey rink but the one in LA. James was there too. Kendall watched as his old friend slid to a stop, sending bits of ice flying out in front of him. His face was lit up and his arms were raised in victory as he celebrated a goal. Then he heard Carlos' voice scream out Logan's name and he saw James freeze and turn around as if in slow motion to see the smaller boy racing frantically to the still form of Logan. He saw James rush to follow Carlos and he saw himself flying to the rink door. But he was still there, frozen in time as scenes from the past two years of his life flashed before his eyes like some awful slide show. Was he dying? Was that why his life was flashing before his eyes?

He saw Logan in the hospital bed the night they first learned of his diagnosis. He saw Carlos scrubbing furiously as his blood stained shirt in the dim light of the kitchen. He saw James sobbing so hard by Logan's lifeless body that all other sounds, except for Carlos pleading for Logan to come back, faded away. He saw himself, lashing out at James until the other boy had collapsed to the ground shaking like Kendall's words had been whips.

He saw Logan telling them that his cancer was gone. He was staring like an idiot, Carlos was laughing and then crying and James was just sobbing once again. Naturally, Logan was holding them all together as they absorbed the news. Everything had been perfect.

The scenes flashed by. Their graduation, concerts and birthdays. Then as if to torture him they slowed down and he saw Logan's face when he told them that his cancer was back, the two words shattering their happy world into a million broken pieces. He saw Logan take his final breath and finally, mercifully, it came to an end with Logan's funeral. But Kendall could still hear Logan talking, pleading with them with the last bit of his strength to stay true to themselves and one another.

"Kendall!"

Kendall was abruptly brought back to the present by a loud voice and a hand roughly shaking his shoulder. His eyes snapped open and he found that he was kneeling on the ice with dozens of people crowded around him, suffocating him.

"Are you all right, Kendall?" Coach Olsen was watching him anxiously. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

Tears blurred Kendall's vision as he climbed shakily to his feet, brushing of the helping hands. "I need to go." He gasped out. "I have to go."

"Kendall, wait." Coach Olsen placed a restraining hand on Kendall's shoulder. "I don't think we should let you leave on your own. I'm going to call your mom and-"

"No." Kendall said firmly. "I have to go." He reached the edge of the rink, holding onto the wall for support and collapsed onto the nearest bench. He tore off his light padding and his skates. Throwing his skates over his shoulders and pulling on his sneakers, Kendall took off running.

The fresh Minnesota air gave Kendall's oxygen deprived lungs relief. Running faster than he had ever ran in his life, Kendall's feet pounded hard against the pavement, each footstep a jolt of life into his body.

He reached his journey's end and fell back to the ground, gasping for breath, but at the same time, exchanging his shoes for his skates again. He rose to his feet and skated onto the pond's frozen surface, forever grateful that Minnesota winters started so early.

"_The ice and the cold help me clear my head and remind me of where I came from."_

But it hadn't been the rink itself that helped Kendall clear his mind. It had been the ice and the cold. That was all he needed. The rink, with it's multiple distractions hadn't helped him. But the pond, where it had all begun. . . Kendall could breath for the first time in months.

He lost himself in skating around the familiar pond, his feet carrying them with effortless motion that he had once again. Everything made sense to him again.

The thought brought him to a sudden halt and he slapped his forehead, a sick wave of fear passing over him. James and Carlos. There was no doubt in his mind that he had failed his friends. He had failed Logan. But there was also no doubt in Kendall's mind that there was still time to save their faltering friendship. They had to. And maybe he had to be the one to take the first step to healing.

"Kendall!"

Kendall's heart stopped for the briefest time at the familiar voice. He spun around just in time to catch Carlos as he fell sobbing against him.

* * *

Carlos sat one his bed, literally twiddling his thumbs because he couldn't figure out what else he could do with himself. It had been two weeks since his visit to Logan's grave. Two weeks since he had come to the realization that he couldn't live without James and Kendall anymore.

But he had spent those two weeks searching for a way to get them back and had come up empty. Logan and Kendall and even James sometimes had always had the answers and he didn't have any of them. He was on his own.

He wasn't going to panic though. He thought back to the day Logan's cancer had gone away. Before Logan had come back to them and told them the news, Kendall and James both told him how proud they were of how much he had grown up. Of course they had also told him that they needed him to keep telling jokes and being funny. He hadn't done any of that lately. Carlos couldn't even remembered the last time he had laughed. He had changed too much. But if he could change once then he could change again, right? If only he knew how.

An idea came to him. A potentially dangerous idea but Carlos was desperate. He slid off his bed and walked slowly over to his closet.

Closets were interesting places, Carlos decided as he stood on tip-toe to reach the top shelf. You could tell a lot about a person by what they had in their closet. You could tell that he, for example, had a secret love of kittens that only his friends knew about. He had eleven kitten posters in his closet.

"_Let's all just calm down and think nice, happy thoughts about kittens!"_

Kittens couldn't fix everything. They couldn't make the pain go away and they didn't make anything easier. Neither did time. Time did not heal all wounds. That was a sick joke and Carlos wanted to throw a rabid kitten at whoever had come up with that idea. The only thing that healed wounds was relationships with other people. Carlos had thrown all of that away but he was determined to get it back. He would die trying. And his idea could possibly kill him. Not physically but it might put him over the edge emotionally. It was a risk he was willing to take though.

People often hid items that brought painful memories to the surface but that they still couldn't let go of. Carlos had a whole box of such things.

The box was caught on something. Carlos gave it a firm jerk and it came loose so quickly that he stumbled backwards, clinging to the box. Something smacked him in the head and he sat on the floor, a little dazed.

His helmet. Carlos jammed it on his head and instantly felt safer than he had in months. He regretted shoving it deep in his closet. Then he dug his hand deep in the box and withdrew a disc. He jumped to his feet and shoved the disc in his laptop, tapping his foot impatiently as he waited.

He had decided that since he couldn't come up with a plan of his own he needed inspiration. Carlos couldn't think of a better source for inspiration but he was still afraid. Before he could change his mind though, the screen lit up. He tensed but didn't move.

The beginning was blurry because Katie had needed to show Mrs. Knight how to turn the camera on and the exchange had been less than smooth. It swung around before settling on the podium a few feet ahead.

Just in time.

"A little over a year ago I never thought that I'd be standing right here, graduating with my best friends. But here I am. It took a little longer than it does for most people five years of hard work has paid off. I can't believe that I'm going to college in the fall. That's something I've dreamed about since I was a little kid.."

Carlos felt the tears begin to fall once more but he blinked and rubbed furiously at his eyes so Logan's image on his computer screen didn't blur. Listening to Logan talk about college was incredibly hard.

"Education is important. We take for granted the opportunities we are given. A college education gives us the chance to obtain a successful job so that we can support our families in the future. So many, too many people in the world aren't given those opportunities and that's one of the reasons there is so much violence and poverty. Education opens new doors for everyone and gives us all a second chance at life."

Logan paused because Carlos had to pause the video itself. He pressed his fists against his closed eyes, willing himself to hold it all together until Logan's speech was over. But he knew what was coming next and even though he also knew that he needed to hear it again, it wouldn't be easy. Finally, his shaking hand found the play button and the video started up again.

"Education is important but you know what matters even more? Relationships with other people. Life wasn't meant to be lived alone. We are given family members and friends to share the moments and lessons we experience and we should always be grateful for them. I am."

"I know for a fact that I wouldn't be standing here today if it wasn't for my best friends. I have no biological family and they were the reasons that I beat my cancer. When I felt like giving up, they were the ones who kept me going. When I felt alone they were always by my side. They made me want to live when I had nothing else to hold on to."

"We learn a lot in school but the most valuable lesson we learn are in life. I've learned a lot in the past year. And I have my friends to thank for that. In four years we'll graduate from college and move on with our lives but I know we'll never lose each other. Our relationship is stronger than that. Maybe I'll be a doctor and maybe I won't. We can't predict the future. The one thing I know for sure is that I'll never be alone."

"So I guess my message here to you today is go onto college and take advantage of the opportunities you've been given. But don't do it alone. Don't forget about the relationships that you've had or still have, and don't try to avoid having new ones. You can be the most successful person in the world but what if you success came because you were so wrapped up in your work what you forgot about the people in your life? All your achievements will be empty. Don't push people away because you're afraid of getting hurt. Life is full of ups and downs, and relationships with others is what makes everything worth it."

The video stopped then and Carlos laid flat on his back, staring at the ceiling. His thoughts swirled around in his head, making him dizzy.

How could they have been so wrong for so long? How could they have forgotten Logan's words to them so quickly? Logan had said that their friendship was strong. That hurt to hear when Carlos thought about what had happened to them since Logan's death. It hurt to know that Logan's expectations had maybe been too high. It hurt to know that everyone who had heard Logan's speech that day had been moved to tears and were inspired by him. They were probably all doing exactly as he told them to. They were probably all holding onto their friends and families tightly. What had Carlos done? He had pushed everyone away. So had Kendall and James. And they had been Logan's best friends.

Carlos couldn't let it stay that way though. He refused. He didn't care what he had to do to bring his friends back together, he just had to do it. Even if they didn't listen, he had to at least try. For Logan. He would try to fix their broken friendship for Logan. He had to.

Carlos bounded to his feet, suddenly filled with life again. This would work. It had to. If it didn't. . . then that would mean that Logan had been wrong about them. Logan couldn't be wrong. Carlos fumbled for his cell phone and dialed a number that he knew by heart even though he hadn't used it in months. It rang several times before Kendall's voice told him to leave a message. Carlos nearly fell apart then and there at the sound and it occurred to him just how much he had missed his best friends. He snapped the phone shut without leaving a message and dialed the Knights' home phone. _Please pick up._ He thought as it rang and rang.

"Hello?"

His throat closed off and he had to clear it before he could answer. "Mama Knight?"

She gasped and Carlos heard tears in her voice. "Carlos, oh sweetie, we've missed you and James so much!"

Carlos wanted to talk to his second mother but he couldn't. Not now. Later. When everything was fixed. He took a deep breath. "Is. . . is um, Kendall there? I need to. . . I need him."

There was a muffled sob on the other line and Carlos had the vague sense that tears were streaming down his own face. "He left a note. He went to the rink today. Carlos, please come back soon okay?"

"I will. I promise." Carlos managed to choke out. "Thank you." Then he hesitated briefly. "I love you, Mama Knight. I've missed you and Katie and everyone so much. Give her a hug for me, okay?" He was literally gasping for air by the time he hung up but he didn't pause.

He yanked on a pair of sneakers and stumbled out of his room into the hallway where he just missed crashing into his father.

"Carlos! What-"

Carlos struggled away from his father's grasp and shook his head. "I need to go." He tried to explain. "I have to go find Kendall and James and make things right again." He felt his father's arms loosen their hold in shock at his words. He turned to go but ended up flinging himself back into his father's embrace for a quick but firm hug. "I'm sorry. I love you and I'll be back, okay?" Then he spun around and hurtled down the stairs and out into the fresh air.

His words to his father had been chaotic and random but he knew he would understand. He always understood. That's what made them so close. But Carlos felt that he was suddenly short on time as he raced wildly down the streets, dimly noticing the snow that blanketed the ground. He would give his father a better explanation later. He deserved that much.

Carlos was halfway to the rink when he passed by the pond and stopped so suddenly that he nearly slipped on an ice patch. His body was frozen like the surface of the pond as he stared. Kendall. It was Kendall. He was skating on the pond, looking like he was in his own world. It was Kendall.

Then Carlos' body came under his own control again and he ran faster than he had in his entire life. He waved his arms, trying to catch Kendall's attention because his lungs, burning for air, wouldn't allow him to yell. Fear constricted his throat too. Fear of rejection. What if Kendall pushed him away? But Carlos didn't care enough to stop and consider what might happen.

Finally, when he was three feet away from Kendall, Carlos found his voice. He managed to shout his friend's name once, the sound coming out foreign and unused. Kendall spun around, his expression full of disbelief, just in time to catch Carlos as he slammed into him, his legs folding beneath him.

* * *

Kendall managed to hold Carlos upright for a few seconds before they both fell to the ground. Neither of them attempted to break their fall, they just let gravity take them to the ice, the jolt of the hard surface feeling like nothing.

Carlos clung to Kendall desperately, afraid that he would try to pull away and leave again. "Kendall," He pleaded, the words somehow coming so easily to him. "Kendall, we can't keep doing this. We need to be friends again. This isn't what Logan would want. We're broken, I know. But there's still time to be fixed. We have to try, Kendall. Please. Let's just try."

Kendall couldn't think or even speak. The only thing that he was aware of was the fact that Carlos was sobbing hysterical into his jacket, pleading for him not to leave, but to try and repair their damaged relationship. He also became slowly aware of the fact that despite the bitter cold, Carlos didn't have a jacket on.

The familiar protectiveness that he had always felt for his friends, came over Kendall and he started to slid away so that he could take his own jacket off and give it to Carlos. But his sudden motion cut Carlos' pleas off abruptly and his arms tightened around Kendall so that the older boy couldn't move if he wanted to.

"No, Kendall! Please! I'm so sorry I ignored you guys. If I could change what I did the last few months then I would. But I can't. I'm so sorry. Just please. Please don't-"

"Carlos!" Kendall's voice shook. "Carlos, listen to me." He waited until Carlos calmed down enough to look at him.

Carlos' fears eased when he saw Kendall looking at him with a broken expression, filled with sorrow and regret, but also hope.

"It's. . . it's not just your fault, Carlos." Kendall was only slightly aware of the fact that tears were running down his face to match Carlos. "We're all to blame. We all let this happen. I realized that today. I was at the hockey rink trying out for a team and I realized how empty and meaningless my life has become without you guys. I know-" He broke off, choking on a sob. "I know that Logan's gone but we still have each other and we still kind of have Logan too."

Carlos nodded his head so hard that for a moment he was dizzy. But he shook off the spinning sensation and stood up, dragging Kendall to his feet. "We have to get James." He said in explanation.

Kendall nodded to but before they could move he drew Carlos into a tight hug. "I've missed you guys so much." He let the smaller boy go and started to shrug out of his jacket. "Here, buddy. Put this on. You look freezing."

But Carlos shook his head. "No. I was just in a hurry. My house is on the way to James'. I'll get my coat then, okay?"

Kendall hesitated but nodded. "Okay." Then as they walked, he threw an arm around Carlos' shoulder. "Let's go then."

They reached Carlos' house quickly and walked in, the warm air a welcome escape from the cold, especially for Carlos. Immediately, Kendall's eyes settled on Mr. and Mrs. Garcia who stood in the kitchen in deep discussion. When the boys walked in, their heads turned and their eyes widened in disbelief. Kendall walked straight into their arms.

Carlos hugged them too but again he pulled away before he actually wanted to. "Kendall and I need to get James." He explained, holding back more tears. "We just came by because I forgot my jacket." He held up the forgotten article of clothing and begged his parents to understand. They did. He knew that. "Ready, Kendall?"

The two boys turned to go but just then the phone rang. Carlos was the closest to it and grabbed it mid-ring. "Hello?" Then as everyone watched, his face drained of all color and he slid slowly to the floor, the phone tumbling from his hand.

* * *

James' head was pounding so badly that he could hardly see straight. The light and noise made it worse which made it easy for him to avoid his parents and everyone else which is exactly what he wanted. Distant memories of the night before explained why his head ached so badly. It was another hangover. He had gotten so drunk the night before that it was a miracle he had made it back into his room without his parents hearing him.

It was Logan's birthday. Or was it? Could it be someone's birthday when they were dead? They still celebrated Washington's and Lincoln's birthday right? They had both been dead for years. Whatever the case, Logan would have been twenty today and if everything was right then he, James and Kendall would have been teasing Carlos about being the only teenager left. But nothing was ever right anymore.

James pulled his pillow over his head and sighed. The tears that he had been holding back since he woke up did nothing to soothe his pain. It came in waves, only giving him peace for seconds at a time before it crashed down on him all over again, worse than before. He felt sick to his stomach but too tired to move. Everything hurt.

A sudden desire replaced the pain then. James sat up, taken aback by it. Out of nowhere, he suddenly wanted Kendall and Carlos back in his life. He wanted Logan back in his life too but that was impossible. His shaking hands found his cell phone and somehow managed to dial Kendall's home phone. He didn't know why he didn't call his cell but he didn't know why he did anything anymore so James hardly gave it a second thought.

"Hello?"

James swallowed, his voice failing him at first. Then he cleared his throat and spoke. "It's me." That was all he could come up with but apparently it was enough.

"James!" Kendall's mother's voice had already sounded harsh and ragged with tears and when she recognized his voice after so long, James felt himself begin to lose the battle with his own tears.

"I need Kendall." No matter how hard he tried, James couldn't speak intelligently so he was grateful when once again, Mrs. Knight understood him completely.

"He's at the rink right now. Why don't you go see him, sweetie?" She sounded like she was about to add something else but James couldn't wait.

"Thank you." He said, quickly, and hung up.

Carlos!

James pulled his phone out again, his headache completely forgotten and dialed Carlos' home phone nearly wilting in relief when he heard Mr. Garcia's voice. "Mr. Garcia, it's James." At last, his rational mind was returning to him enough so that he could form complete sentences. "Is Carlos there?" He asked before he made another adult cry.

"He just left to go find Kendall." Mr. Garcia told him, sounding slightly dazed himself. He went on to explain but James' earlier eagerness had faded and he felt numb all over again. The words made no sense and James cut the older man off abruptly with a whispered thanks before letting the phone fall to the floor.

They didn't want him. James had screwed up so badly that Kendall and Carlos wanted no part of his sorry existence. They were ashamed to even know him. It was then, with these thoughts parading themselves right in front of James, that he lost all the desire to live.

He didn't want to live without Carlos and Kendall too. He couldn't. He could barely live without Logan and now he had lost his two remaining friends forever.

James' lungs constricted painfully and he fell to his knees on the wooden floor of his bedroom, holding on hand to his chest as if it would stop the pain that was like a knife twisting in his gut. Tears blurred his eyesight and his head ached even worse than it had before.

He struggled to his feet, pulling himself up by clinging to his dresser. He yanked the top drawer open and flung his socks on the floor, digging frantically for what he thought he needed. Finally, his finger closed around the plastic and he pulled out the two bags of pills. He still had about a week's worth for both of them. He hoped it would be enough.

He had been taking them for so long that he didn't even need water to wash them down. James sat on his bed and flung a handful of pills into his mouth, feeling them coat his throat in a bitter taste as they slid down. He took another handful and another and the he let the bags drop to the floor and he collapsed on his bed, waiting for his life to come to an end.

**A/N. Now you know what it took me three days to write this chapter. -dies-**


	12. Dum Spiro, Spero

**A/N. The title of this chapter is Latin. I suggest you look it up. Remember how I said the last chapter took me three days to write? This chapter has taken me weeks to write because ever since I published 'Three', I've been writing this in my head and on notebook paper. When I finally finished it the other day I had a headache from crying and I cried myself to sleep that night. That's all I have to say. I don't own anything.**

"_Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you." - 'Fix You' by Coldplay._

James was drowning. He was surrounded by darkness. His eyes were open but all he could make out were the different shapes swirling around him and the black spots that obscured his vision even more. His lungs burned painfully for air causing his headache to reach an all-time high. He was drowning, dying. But this time he felt no panic. The only thing he felt was a sense of peace that crept over him as the darkness began to close in.

Just then a pair of strong arms wrapped around his waist and pulled. James panicked, jerking away from the darkness as he struggled to free himself from his rescuer. He didn't want to be saved. He wanted to die. He wanted what he deserved. But the arms never loosened their grasp for a second and as James caught a glimpse of the sun overhead, he resorted to desperate measures and sucked in a deep breath, allowing the dirty pond water to fill his lungs. The darkness consumed him.

But for some strange reason, James was still aware of everything. He couldn't see or breath but he felt the sun as his head broke the surface of the water and he felt himself being dragged towards the shore. He tried to resist again but his body was completely limp and useless. So he gave up for the time being, telling himself that as soon as he had control over his own body again, he would go back in the water and let himself sink once again. His rescuer would see what a lost cause he was and give up on him.

Soon James felt his feet start to drag on the sandy bottom and before he knew it, he was laying stretched out on the dry shore. He heard a thud beside him and then hands were pressing firmly on his chest, trying to bring him back. Part of him thought it was weird that he was totally aware of everything going on including the fact that someone was performing CPR on him. But for the most part he wished that he was conscious so that he could push the hands away. _Just let me die._ He thought.

The water that had filled his lungs suddenly rushed upwards and he convulsed slightly, choking as he spit enormous amounts of the liquid out onto the ground. In desperation he tried to stop coughing and suck the water back inside of him but the hand gently patting his back wouldn't allow it.

When he had nothing left in him, James fell back to the ground and squeezed his eyes shut, praying that his rescuer would leave him alone. When they did leave, James could just repeat the process, hopefully with more success.

It frustrated him. He had been so close to the end and to relief when some random stranger had decided to be a hero and save him. James resented that. He wanted to die, couldn't they see that? It hurt too much to live. But maybe that was his punishment for being such a horrible person. Maybe he was destined to live until he was one hundred and one and live in pain every day because of his selfishness and stupidity. At the same time though, James couldn't imagine that his broken heart would hold out for that long and he found comfort there. He wondered how long it would be before the rest of his body followed his heart and his mind and gave up. It couldn't be too much longer.

It was then that he felt the hand shaking him by his shoulder and the voice calling his name. The hand meant nothing no matter how hard it shook him. But the voice. . . the voice meant everything. James didn't dare open his eyes, afraid that he was simply hallucinating. But then the tone of the voice changed and James heard tears.

"James? James, come on buddy. Open your eyes! Please!"

James couldn't stop himself. He obeyed the voice and opened his eyes ready for the pain of reality to crash over him. At first the bright sun overhead made it impossible to see anything. James winced at the light and shut his eyes again. He waited for a free seconds and then carefully cracked them back open. This time, a shadowy figure blocked the sun and James opened his eyes all the way. It took a while for him to focus but when he did, James was more positive than ever that he was hallucinating. He blinked and opened his mouth to speak but no words came out.

Logan was leaning over him, his face white with fear and anxiety. His brown eyes were troubled and sad as he watched James. When he saw James looking back at him, he rocked back on his heels, sighing in relief. "James."

James could only blink again in response. This was a very good hallucination. They were back at the same pond that he and Logan had gone fishing six years ago. It was ironic that Logan had saved him again. James tried to think back to the last thing he remembered but all he could think of was when he was underwater and drowning again. His mind was completely blank. Maybe he had taken too many pills and had finally lost it. Maybe his parents would have to send him to a mental ward. The thought brought tears to James' eyes. He had tried to save them more trouble by simply dying but once again, he had failed and caused them more pain. He couldn't do anything right.

"James, can you hear me?" Logan's voice interrupted his thoughts. One hand gripped James' wrist, obviously counting his pulse.

James smiled. His hallucinatory Logan was almost as good as the real one. So concerned for his friend's well-being. He nodded to ease Hallucinatory Logan's fears.

Logan set James' wrist gently on his chest and let out another sigh of relief. "Can you talk.?"

James was pretty sure that he could talk. But he didn't want to because he was just as sure that the moment he opened his mouth, Logan would disappear and he would wake up in a padded room, maybe even in a straight jacket. Still, his mouth opened and he spoke the first thing that came to his mind. "Logan."

Much to his surprise, Logan didn't disappear. He smiled instead and all of a sudden, James sat up so fast that the two boys nearly knocked heads. James grabbed Logan in a hug, expecting his arms to close around empty air, but they connected solidly with Logan. When he felt Logan return the hug, he fell apart.

The tears had been held back for so long that it seemed they had to make up for lost time. James shook so hard with each sob that he was amazed he didn't break and shatter into a million tiny pieces. Maybe it was Logan who, just like he used to, was holding him together. Everything hurt but at the same time, it didn't matter. James ignored the ache in his chest from his breathless sobs and clung tighter to Logan, feeling whole even though he wasn't real.

His sobs finally quieted and he pulled away from Logan just enough so that he can see him clearly. "Logan?" He whispered in disbelief.

Logan smiled again but the expression was weary and still concerned for James. "Yeah, James. It's me."

"Are you. . ." James struggled for a way to phrase a question when he was afraid to hear the answer. "Are you real?" He blurted it on in a rush and then shut his eyes, waiting for the answer.

"Yes."

It was all Logan needed to say. James opened his eyes and stared at his friend in wonder. Then all of the missing pieces began to click together and he found himself fighting down a wild hope. "Logan," He said for the third time, enjoying the ability to talk to his friend again. "Am I dead?" That had to be it. He had to be right. Who cared if Heaven looked exactly like their childhood pond? Who cared if James didn't deserve Heaven? Logan was there and that obviously meant they weren't in Hell.

But Logan shot his foolish hopes down with a shake of his head. "No, James. You're not dead." The relief in his voice made it only harder for James to hear. "This is a dream You overdosed on the pills you got from Mark but your parents found you in time. They called 911 and you got your stomach pumped. You're going to be fine."

The long explanation felt like a punch to the stomach. James could only stare at Logan before he managed to form one word. "How?"

Logan's sympathy and worry changed to confusion. "How, what?" He asked.

James took a deep breath a steadied himself. "How am I supposed to be fine? I know you haven't been aware of what's been going on but I've been such a mess. I can't do anything right anymore and all I do is hurt people. I'm a screw-up."

Without warning, Logan reached out and slapped James full in the face. James stopped talking, startled. He touched his hand to his face and looked at Logan speechlessly.

Logan was crying. Tears ran unheeded down his face as he spoke to James, each word feeling like another slap. "How could you, James? You promised me. All of you promised that you'd stick together and you promised me that you wouldn't do anything stupid." He let out a shaky breath and took James' arm in his hand, using the other one to pull back to long sleeve to reveal the spider web design of scars across the skin." He looked at James, every trace of his previous anger gone, replaced by a deep sadness. "Look at you." He whispered, his voice breaking.

"Logan, it hurt so much. We tried to stay together in the beginning but it hurt even more. Every conversation that we did have ended because there were always these pauses where you should have said something. There were all of these empty spaces when we tried to hang out. Places where you always sat and things you always wanted to do. It just made us miss you more." James dragged his free arm across his eyes. "I just. . . I just got to the point where it felt best to feel numb and empty."

"So you filled your life with drugs and alcohol and cutting." Logan raised an eyebrow at James. "Did I miss anything?"

"I stole my parents' money so that I could buy more drugs." James confessed in a dull tone. "And every night I waited until my parents had to to bed so I could sneak out and buy those drugs. I wanted to be alone too. I ignored Carlos and Kendall and everyone else who cared about me. I thought it would be easier for them if I died."

:How could you think that?" Logan asked, desperate to understand. His eyes had filled once again and James' heart broke all over again at the sight. Surely only someone as messed up as he was could make a dead person cry. "James, you can't just shove everyone away because you don't want them to get hurt and you're afraid of getting hurt yourself. What if I did that to you guys when I was sick? Would you have liked it if I stopped hanging out with you guys I kept to myself? Put yourself in their shoes, James. How do you think they feel right now? You just tried to kill yourself."

"How could they even care about me anymore?" James said miserably. "I haven't given them one reason to care."

"James, you've given them every reason in the world to care and worry about you. They're all in the hospital right now. Your family, Kendall's family, and Carlos' family. They're worried sick about you. They love you and they've never stopped. They want to help you. You just have to let them."

"But Logan, I need you. We need you. I can't do this anymore. I just want to give up."

"Is that why you tried to kill yourself on my birthday?" Anyone else would have yelled at him, but Logan just looked hurt and that was even worse. Before James could respond, he was pulled closer to Logan. "You're all so close." Logan said sadly. "You've finally realized that you can't do it alone and that you need each other. That's a step in the right direction."

"But Logan, it's not just that I can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore either." James buried his head into Logan's shoulder. "I want to stop. I want to die. Why did they have to save me? Why did you have to save me again? Why couldn't you just let me drown?"

"Because," Logan gently forced James away so that he was looking at him. "I love you, Carlos, and Kendall way too much to let you just give up."

"But I'm better off dead." James refused to look Logan in the eyes.

Logan dropped his hands from James' shoulders and turned away. "What's your problem, James?" He begged for understanding. "This isn't the James I knew. You've changed so much. You keep saying that everyone would be better off if you were dead but you're just being selfish. You don't want to have to deal with the pain anymore so you gave up and tried to kill yourself. On my birthday. Why, James? Why would you do this? You used to care about other people." Logan could barely talk, he was sobbing so hard. "You promised me, James. You promised."

All of the pain he had felt up until that point could have been combined and it could have never come close to the pain that James felt as he watched Logan cry. He waited for his own tears to fall but nothing happened. Instead he felt himself fading away.

Just then, Logan touched him on the shoulder. "James, listen to me. I promise, I _swear_ that if there was any way I could come back, I wouldn't think twice. I don't care how freaked out people would be. If it took your pain away then I'd do it in a second. It's killing me all over again to see you guys like this. Everything I had to deal with when I was sick. . . that was nothing compared to this."

James could only stare at Logan in horror. "But you said you wouldn't know." He whispered. "You said that you wouldn't know how much we were hurting and that was the only way you could let go. That's what you-"

"I know." Logan interrupted. "You have to just listen right now. Remember the first time I died? Remember what I told you about Daniel?"

"Yes." A thought dawned on James then and he had to ask it even though it was a foolish question. "Wait. Is that what's happening with me right now? Because if it is then I want to stay dead, Logan. I don't want to-"

"James!" Logan sighed. "I already told you that you're not dead. This," He waved a hand in the air, gesturing all around them. "This is just a dream. I'm only here to tell you to stop what you've been doing to yourself. You've let yourself go so far. Too far. You've become a completely different person. I'm here to tell you to go back to being the old James. The one I knew when I was still alive. That's why I'm here and that's why I know what's been going on with you guys." He smiled slightly. "That's how strong our friendship is, James. Even death could never really separate me from you guys."

"You mean. . ." Jame said slowly as he put the pieces together. "You mean it's my fault that you're hurting right now?" His voice trembled.

"Stop it." Logan whispered. "Stop doing this to yourself, James. Stop this self-loathing. Honestly? Yes, I'm here because of you. But it doesn't matter because I will do everything in my power to bring you, Carlos, and Kendall back together again. You need each other. I already told you this and look where you've all ended up. Kendall didn't care about anything, Carlos became a ghost of who he used to be, and you went off the deep end."

"We screwed up big time, Logan." James admitted. "We broke all of our promises to you. You were right. You said that if we lost each other, then we'd lose each other. That's exactly what happened."

"But there's still time." Logan said firmly. "You're all still alive. As long as you're alive there's still hope. And as long as there's hope, there's still time to save each other and be friends again. Our friendship is much too strong to fall apart forever. You and I both know that. So do Kendall and Carlos."

"You keep talking about our friendship like you're still alive." James looked up at Logan. "Why?"

"I told you." Logan replied softly. "Our friendship is so strong that not even death can separate us. Only we can end it and only if we choose too. I'm dead, James. But I'm not gone. Not really. Just because you can't see me or talk to me doesn't mean I'm not your friend anymore. We're just in different places right now. But I'll always be with you in other ways. And one day, we'll see each other again. Death is just another part of life that we'll all experience eventually. It separates us physically but that's all. I'll always be with you guys."

"Promise?" James let the tears fall because he knew what was coming and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't be truly okay with it.

"I promise, James. All you guys have to do is stay together and I'll be there right with you."

"That's what hurt though. The empty spaces that you used to fill."

"I don't mean actually talking and filling up those spaces, James. You know that. Listen, it may be hard now, but one day you guys will be able to look back on all those amazing times we had together and you'll be okay. It won't hurt as badly. But you need each other."

"I'm afraid." James whispered. He felt like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders and had been replaced by something he hadn't felt in months. Peace. But he didn't know how long it would last.

"You're always braver than you believe you are." Logan told him. "All of you. And together, you're unstoppable. Just like we used to be when it was the four of us."

"I hate being three." Tears filled James' eyes.

"But you can be three. And like I said, I'll always be with you. Just not like I used to be. Just don't forget me."

James nodded slowly. "I know." And he did.

"So do Kendall and Carlos." Logan looked relieved. "You guys are so close." He stood up then, and offered James a hand. "Come on. Let's go for a walk."

James didn't question Logan and the two walked through the quiet woods in companionable silence. James turned Logan's words over and over again in his mind until he noticed that Logan had come to a stop. He looked around in confusion, realizing that they were no longer at the pond but somewhere just as familiar. "This is my house." He said aloud.

"I know." Logan laughed softly. "It's time for you to go back now, James. It's time for you to go home. It's time for you to wake up and go back to your family and Kendall and Carlos."

The peace vanished and James felt panic rising in his chest. "No." He whispered. "No, Logan. Not now. I can't. Please, can't I stay just a little longer? I'm not ready."

"Yes you are." Logan said firmly. He took James by both shoulders and looked up at him. "Kendall and Carlos need you and you need them. Remember what we talked about, James. It's time."

"Logan," James choked on a sob. "I don't want to let you go again."

"Just because you're letting go of me doesn't me I'm gone, James." Logan drew James into one last hug.

James leaned into Logan's embrace, holding onto him as tightly as he could. He knew that Logan was right but he didn't try to stop the tears from streaming down his face. He felt Logan rubbing his back soothingly and heard him whispering comforting words to him until he finally had enough strength to step away. "Okay." He nodded and took a deep breath. "I'm ready."

"Good." Logan's grateful smile was worth the pain. He dropped an arm across James' shoulders and walked him to the doorstep. Then he stopped and faced James, smiling sadly. "Say hi to Kendall and Carlos for me, okay? Tell them that I'm okay and that I love them. I love you too, James. I've never stopped loving my brothers. Death ends a lot of things but love isn't one of them."

"We love you too, Logan." James brushed the remaining tears from his eyes. "We'll miss you every day but we'll be okay. We have each other again." The more he said it, the more he believed it and that as the only thing that kept him holding on.

"Yes." Logan rested a hand lightly on James' shoulder. "I know. I'm so proud of you guys. It took a little longer than I would have liked and a lot of bad things happened. But you're stronger in the end."

James took a deep breath and reached out with a shaking hand. He grasped the door knob in one hand and turned to look at Logan one last time. Logan's hand had fallen to his side and he was watching James with tears in his eyes but he was smiling. "Goodbye, Logan."

**A/N. I honestly have no idea what to say. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to write. I'm just glad I was home alone. Thank you for all of the support so far. I don't think I would have gotten this far if it wasn't for all the incredible and encouraging reviews I've received. Your support made this story. It's not over but it's gets easier from this point on. I hope you liked this chapter! Please review and I'll update as soon as I can! Love you!**


	13. It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn

**A/N. Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I am really happy that you liked it because it was so important to me and it was really hard to write. Man, I miss Logan. You don't even know. I'm going to cry again. All right. I don't own anything.**

"_My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with." - 'Because of You' by Kelly Clarkson._

"Carlos! What's wrong?" Kendall dropped to his knees on the kitchen beside Carlos. His friend was staring blankly and tears seemed suspended in his dark eyes. He didn't even seem to hear Kendall. Kendall put a hand on Carlos' shoulder and shook him gently. "Carlos, answer me!" He pleaded. His voice shook and he felt his own eyes fill with tears when Carlos didn't even blink. He had just gotten his friend back and he couldn't lose him again.

He only vaguely noticed Carlos' parents on the floor with them as they tried to get Carlos to snap out of his shock. Mr. Garcia had picked up the phone to see if the caller was still on but it was of no use. They had hung up. "Carlos, please." Kendall choked on a sob. "What's wrong."

Suddenly Carlos seemed to come to life again and it was almost worse. He started shaking and he leaned his head to bury it in Kendall's shoulder. Then he was sobbing so hard that even he did try to talk it was impossible to understand anything. Kendall wrapped both of his arms around Carlos and pulled him into a tight hug. Something was dreadfully wrong and he had no idea what it could be. But his stomach clenched painfully in fear and he found that he was crying too.

Finally, Carlos' violent sobs quieted and he lifted his head. Everyone ceased their nervous chatter to look to look at him for an answer. He squeezed his eyes shut as if he didn't want to see their faces when he delivered the awful news. "That was Mr. Diamond." He whispered and Kendall felt his heart skip a beat. He opened his mouth to speak but he was frozen in fear. "They're in the hospital. James tried to kill himself."

The air left Kendall's lungs just like it did when he was checked into the boards during a game. If he hadn't already been on the ground, he surely would have fallen. He blinked at Carlos and struggled to speak. "What?" He finally whispered.

"James," Carlos' answer was a choked out sob. "He. . . they. . . his parents. . . they went to go check on him. . . he was in his room. . . and he was asleep. . . they couldn't wake him up. . ." He lifted his gaze once more to Kendall's tortured green eyes. "The doctors said that he overdosed."

_This can't be happening._ Kendall managed to take a deep breath, the action sending a burning pain through his damaged lungs. _This is a nightmare._ He closed his eyes and opened them again only to discover that nothing and everything had changed at the same time. _Not James. Please not James. We can't lose him too. _He wanted to scream his thoughts out loud but his lungs wouldn't allow the pressure that the strain would cause and his voice refused to work above a whisper anyway. "No." He was also reduced to speaking one word at a time.

He would have given almost anything in the world to have Carlos take back his words. He didn't even care if it all turned out to be some horrible, sick joke. He wanted it to be a horrible, sick joke. He wanted Carlos to start laughing manically and tell them that he was kidding and that James himself had called, telling the other two boys to get their butts over to his house so they could all hang out again. But instead, Carlos simply nodded.

"We have to go." Kendall felt like he was in a dream. He felt like the whole thing was an out-of-body experience because he didn't know how he stood up and pulled Carlos to his feet. He didn't know how his limbs worked as his arms pulled his coat back on and helped Carlos with his jacket. He didn't know how he walked out to the Garcia's van and climbed in the back seat with Carlos. He didn't even check to see if Carlos' parents were following them but suddenly they were in the front seat and they were driving to the hospital.

The world rushed by but in slow motion. Kendall leaned his forehead on the seat in front of him and waited for the ride to be over. He wanted to stay like that, with his face pressed so hard into the upholstery that he couldn't see anything. But something made him pull his head up and he looked at Carlos. The younger boy had his knees drawn up to his chest and he was staring out the window. The sight suddenly reminded Kendall of the way James had always sunk into himself when Logan was sick or when he had died. It was too much. He sat up and pulled Carlos closer to him. His friend lay limply in his arms and fear shook Kendall all over again. "Carlos, please. I need you." He bent his head to Carlos' and let the tears fall. Then he felt Carlos change his position just enough so that he could return the embrace and the miniscule sense of relief kept him from snapping completely. They held onto each other until the car came to a stop in front of the hospital entrance.

The cold air hit them but neither boys noticed or cared. They nodded their heads mechanically when Carlos' parents said something about finding and parking place and calling Kendall's mother and then they walked into the hospital.

The familiar atmosphere tore away what little calm Carlos had. He detached himself from Kendall and rushed over to the front desk. "We're here for James Diamond!" He exclaimed loudly.

The young receptionist looked at him questioningly. "Are you family?" She asked, with doubt in her voice.

"We're his best friends!" Carlos told her impatiently. "That's James Diamond." Hysteria was beginning to creep into his voice. "J-a-m-e-s and-"

"I can't give any information to non-family members. Do-"

"His parents called us!" Carlos yelled in her face. Tears were streaming down his face again. "Please. We need him. He's our brother."

His words confused the receptionist and she held up a finger indicating them to wait.

"We can't wait!" Carlos protested desperately. "We've already waited too long! Please!"

"Carlos." Kendall croaked out. He reached out to his friend, afraid that he would only pull away. But he didn't and Kendall could breath when he felt Carlos hugging him again. He felt his legs shake and wobble and just as they began to crumble there was a strong pair of arms that led them over to chairs in the waiting room and Kendall realized that the reason they were still together was because James' parents were holding onto them.

They had spent a lot of time in the waiting room when Logan was sick but they never got used to the way that time seemed to slow down and the fear that they could barely conceal even when Logan went in for a simple check-up. But things were still different. They were in Minnesota not LA. Instead of pacing like he always had, Kendall sat as still as a stone, one arm wrapped in a vise-like grip around Carlos' shoulders. And instead of waiting for the doctors' latest news about Logan's cancer, they were waiting to hear if James had survived his drug overdose. After that came another question: Did he even want to live anymore? Obviously he had wanted to die. That was why he took the pills in the first place.

Carlos twisted his fingers nervously, trying to keep his hands from shaking. James had always been passionate. He cared so much about everyone and everything that it could be amusing and frightening at the same time. If he and Kendall hadn't been so wrapped up in their own sorrow and grief. . . they weren't entirely to blame but they still should have seen it coming and prevented it. They had promised Logan that they would stick together. The consequences of breaking that promise were far more severe than Carlos should have ever imagined. How would they move on if- But Carlos refused to finish that thought. It was too terrifying. To distract himself from his own terror and grief, he looked up at the faces around him.

His parents sat with his five sisters, trying to amuse the younger girls even though all of them were silent with solemn looks on their faces as if they knew something was dreadfully wrong. Carlos didn't even know if they knew exactly what was going on. The only thing they knew was that James wasn't there with them so that something must be wrong with him.

Both of Kendall's parents were there and Carlos found in painfully ironic that they were sitting together, Mrs. Knight's hand gripping tightly to her ex husband's hand. Katie sat with them, her face void of any emotion as if she were too much in shock.

James' mother had long run dry of tears. She sat slumped over in her chair, twisting a ragged tissue in shaking hands. Every now and then she shook with a stray sob and blotted her face with the abused tissue. Her husband was holding her together but looked minutes away from self-destruction himself. They looked lost.

Kendall was still and silent. He hadn't moved or spoken since James' parents had told them what had happened. He didn't even react when his parents and Katie had showed up with Carlos' sisters. The lone comfort in his rigid posture was the arm he kept securely wrapped around Carlos as if he was afraid that he might leave. Carlos wouldn't leave if his life depended on it. He couldn't.

What made the whole experience hurt even worse was the fact that it was Logan's birthday. Carlos felt his eyes fill once again at the thought. Logan. None of this should have ever happened. Logan never should have gotten so sick in the first place and he certainly never should have died. They shouldn't be sitting in the waiting room, waiting in pure agony to see what would happen to James. They should be celebrating Logan's twentieth birthday. But that would never happen. They were stuck in their own personal hell. Life wasn't fair but did it have to be this unfair?

"We're not going to lose him." Kendall spoke the words so softly that only Carlos could hear. He tightened his grip on Carlos and drew him closer. "We can't. I just got you back and I'm not about to lose James. . . or you again."

Carlos understood. Kendall was afraid of what would happen if James died. He was afraid that history would repeat itself and that they would fall away from each other all over again. Carlos had the same fear. He rested his head on Kendall's shoulder. "I'm not going anywhere." He whispered. His voice broke slightly and when Kendall leaned closer into him, their tears mingled. Carlos heard his friend draw in a ragged breath as he struggled to not completely lose it again. He heard Kendall assure him that he wouldn't leave him again and a small sense of peace settled over them. Whatever happened, they would have each other.

"James Diamond?"

Carlos nearly fell off his chair when Kendall straightened up quickly at the doctor's words. They hadn't even heard the man approach but now that they realized he was there, everyone's attention was focused on him. His grave face eased into a reassuring smile and Carlos found that he could breath again. "James is resting comfortably now. He's going to be fine."

"Can we see him?" Mr. Diamond managed to ask. He and his wife looked liked they could barely stand, their faces matching expressions, begging the doctor.

He nodded and then held out his hand. "I'm Doctor Charles White. You can see James but I'd like to speak to you first." His tone was gentle but everyone knew what he wanted to talk to James' parents about.

The couple nodded simultaneously and then Mrs. Diamond turned to Kendall and Carlos. "Will you boys go see him? I don't want him to be alone."

Gratitude didn't begin to describe the feeling that washed over Carlos. All he wanted was to see James, whether he was awake or not. He and Kendall nodded quickly and stood up to follow Doctor White to their best friend.

**A/N. So yeah, it was short and not much happened. But I needed to do this from Kendall's and Carlos' POV and now it's done and I hope you liked it. Please review!**


	14. Healing

**A/N. Okay. So I have Writer's Block for 'Innocence Lost' but hey, at least I have this horribly angsty story to write! I also have the flu or sometime so yeah, I can just lay around and write when I'm supposed to be doing school work. Good times. I don't own anything.**

"_Will you think that you're all alone when no one's there to hold your hand? When all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary, rest your head. I'm permanent" - 'Permanent' by David Cook._

Kendall gripped Carlos' hand tightly and with one last look at their family members, the two boys turned and followed the doctor. They walked down the empty hallways, their footsteps echoing ominously. Once in a while, Kendall caught a glimpse of a doctor,a nurse, or a patient. But for the most part, the hospital was eerily uninhabited, at least what he could see.

It was so horrible being back in the hospital again, following the doctor to their best friend. But Kendall would have given anything to have James right beside them as they walked to see Logan. The new situation was terrifying in a way that Logan's illness had never been. Logan had wanted to live. He had fought so hard for so long and finally only giving up when they let him go. James didn't want to live.

The silence on the way to James' room was torture. Kendall could hear himself think, there was no way to block out the thoughts that ran circles in his mind. He longed for the trek to be over with. He wanted to see James so badly that it took all of his self-control to keep from breaking into a run, moving past the doctor, and to James. But he didn't even know where James was and the fact scared him.

Finally they reached a closed door and the door merely nodded wordlessly at them, then left to go talk to James' parents. Kendall and Carlos stood frozen at the door, wanting so badly to shove it open and rush to James' side. But the fear of the unknown held them back for nearly a minute before Kendall reached out and turned the doorknob.

James was fast asleep in the hospital bed, the sheets pulled up just past his waist. His face was unnaturally pale and he looked thinner since the last time they had seen him up close. His hair was short and cut carelessly as if James couldn't be bothered to care for it anymore. But as Kendall and Carlos neared the bedside and sat down in a couple of metal chairs, they saw something else. Long, jagged scars ran up and down both of James' bare arms, creating a sort of sick pattern.

For a long while, all Kendall could do was stare at his friend's arms. Everything else seemed to fade out until he was aware of only one thing: James had been cutting himself. Kendall dropped his head into his hands and started to sob. He felt Carlos lean into him, his own body shaking, and together they cried.

Never had they imagined that things had gotten so out of hand. James had actually resorted to cutting himself in a last ditch attempt to deal with his pain. Of course it hadn't worked. It provided only a temporary relief and when the pain came back it was always worse than before. But he didn't have anything or anyone else to turn to. Kendall and Carlos had turned their backs on him and each other. In desperation, James had turned to self-harm and when that had failed him, he had tried to take his own life.

When their sobs finally quieted, Carlos lifted his head and took one of James' limp hands in his own. It felt cold and lifeless, which scared him. He rubbed it gently, hoping to generate heat. Kendall had his arm around him and was staring at James like he was in a trance. His gaze shifted to Carlos, holding tightly to James' hand and the ache in his heart worsened as he thought of all the times Carlos had done the same thing to Logan.

They sat in silence, alone with their own thoughts.

* * *

When James first woke, he didn't open his eyes. Instead he kept them closed and waited until the waves of pain, both physical and emotional, had subsided. His stomach ached and he remembered Logan saying something about the doctors pumping his stomach. His heart ached and he didn't need to think to figure out that particular ailment.

But then he was aware of a hand gripping his and he heard soft voices, ragged and scratchy from crying and unshed tears. For some reason he knew who was in the room with him and he opened his eyes to see them.

Carlos had his head down on the sheets, both of his hands holding onto James' as if for dear life. Every few seconds his body would convulse with a barely restrained sob. James felt his own eyes fill at the sight. He had made Carlos cry.

Kendall sat with one arm around Carlos, keeping the younger boy close to him. He was staring wide-eyed at the various machines set up around James as if he was trying to figure out what they were all for. His green eyes were swollen and red and tears continued to spill out and run down his pale face. Carlos crying was bad enough. But the youngest of the boys had always been sensitive so it sort of made sense. Kendall on the other hand. . .

James' throat tightened and he felt tears running down his face, momentarily blinding him. He couldn't speak so he squeezed Carlos hand to get his attention.

It was as if, through contact, Kendall could feel the squeeze as well. Because in the same instant that Carlos lifted his head to stare, Kendall snapped his head around and both boys looked speechlessly at James.

Then it was worse. James could see the pain in their faces. He could see the hurt and confusion, and worst of all, the guilt. They blamed themselves for his selfish action, he knew it. Their eyes were haunted and he knew that sitting in the hospital waiting room had brought back memories of Logan. Painful memories.

But they were there with James. He could hardly believe it. They were with him and the suffering in their eyes told him that they didn't hate him. If only one of them would say anything. But they were both silent, afraid to speak. James cleared his throat and tried to speak, only two words coming to his mind. "I'm sorry."

Suddenly he was crying. His entire body shook with sobs, increasing the ache in his stomach. He didn't care though because he couldn't have stopped if he tried. But he was done trying. He was done hiding behind a mask, keeping his feelings locked away inside. He was done shoving everyone away and he could only hope that his friends could forgive him.

He didn't have to wait long at all for an answer. The bed dipped and creaked slightly and he found himself tangled up in two pairs of arms. He waited for the three way hug to bring more pain crashing down on him because of what was missing. But it didn't come. Instead, smashed between Kendall and Carlos who both completely disregarded his weakened state, he felt the ache in his heart ease a bit. His lungs returned to their normal functioning order which was good because he still couldn't stop crying. He heard Carlos and Kendall crying too but it wasn't the way they had cried when Logan was sick or even when he died. The tears were full of. . . relief.

He had no idea how long they stayed like that, clinging to each other, together for the first time in months. He had no idea how long they cried, bodies jerking rhythmically with the violent sobs. But when they slowly, carefully, pulled away, he managed to speak again.

"I'm sorry." He repeated. "I'm sorry for everything. I was selfish and stupid, I know. Everything just hurt so badly and I didn't want to have to deal with the pain anymore. I wasn't really thinking about anyone else but myself when I took the pills. I just wanted a way out."

"James." Carlos suddenly didn't really care why they were in the hospital. All that mattered was that they were together again and he was talking _to_ James. "James, it's not just your fault." He whispered. "It's ours too."

Kendall nodded, looking more like the old Kendall than he had since Logan died. "Carlos is right, James. We. . . We broke our promises to Logan and we let go of each other. We should have been there for each other. Logan was right. We can't make it on our own. Look at what happened to you." He looked apologetic when James flinched and looked down at the scars on his arm. "We messed up so badly this time. We're sorry too." He drew in a deep breath. "But James, we can fix this. I know we can."

James nodded and watched as Kendall and Carlos sighed in relief. "I know too." He said quietly. He hesitated,wondering if should tell them now or wait. He was afraid of what they might say or do. He was afraid of hurting them. "I. . . I need to tell you guys something." He said finally. Kendall and Carlos nodded, encouragingly and he took a deep breath.

"When I was unconscious, I had a dream. I dreamed that I was drowning in. . . the pond. I didn't try to swim though. I let myself sink because I wanted to die." The pain in his friends' eyes almost made him stop but he somehow found the strength to continues, knowing that it was important for them to know. "And then. . . someone was pulling me out of the water, rescuing me."

"Logan." Carlos and Kendall spoke at the same time, looking surprised by what they said. "It was Logan, wasn't it?" Carlos added, tears filling his eyes once again.

James nodded, unable to speak at first. "I thought I was dead." He whispered. "You know, like when Logan. . . first died and came back to us. I thought I had a choice." He looked down at his hands. "And I told Logan that I wanted to stay dead because living hurt too much."

"Then he told me. . . that I wasn't dead. He told me it was just a dream." He looked up at his friends. His friends. "It hurt so bad when he said that. He said that I was going to be fine. I said that there was no way I could be fine. I told him I was a screw-up." James couldn't help but laugh a little. "And then he slapped me."

"He what?" Kendall asked in disbelief.

"I know. Logan hit me. Crazy right?" James smiled tearfully, the action strangely easy. "But I deserved it and he was so mad and hurt." His smile faded and he grew serious again. "He cried." He whispered, a lone tear escaping from his eye. "He cried a lot. Then I felt even worse because Logan's dead and I still managed to make him cry."

"But then. . ." James took a deep breath and let it out slowly, telling himself to relax. "Then he told me that there was still time to save our friendship. He told me that as long as we were alive, there was hope. He said that he believed in us and. . ." James choked on a sob. "That even though he's dead, he's not really gone. He said that he'll always be with us as long as we remember him and stay together."

"He did?" Carlos didn't bother to brush away the tears that came then. He let them overflow and run down his cheeks as he listened to James.

James nodded in answer to Carlos' question. "Yeah, he really did. That's when I knew. . . that we would be okay. Eventually. Because Logan wouldn't be wrong about something like this. When he said that he believed in us. . . I felt hope for the first time in forever. I felt alive for the first time in forever."

"Then we said goodbye." James dropped his gaze and shut his eyes, straining to remember the moment. "And I hurt all over again but not like before. I felt. . . better somehow. Then he told me one last thing." He brought his gaze back to Kendall and Carlos.

"What?" Kendall could only whisper.

"He told me to say hi to you." He heard Carlos begin to cry again and Kendall started soon after. Tears were falling from his own eyes but he kept talking. "He told me that he loves us and he's proud of us. And that. . . death ends a lot of things but love isn't one of them. He said that he missed us but. . . one day. . ."

Kendall pulled both of his friends into another hug. "He's right." He said quietly. "We'll miss him so much but we'll be okay. We'll see him again later on. Just like him and his mom. It hurts really bad right now but we will be okay and we'll be even stronger then."

James nodded. "Because we have each other. We always will."

The three boys stayed in their tight embrace even when they ran out of words to say. They took no notice of anything that went on around them. The only thing they knew was that they were together again. They could breath again. Their heartache would never truly go away but as they sat together in James' hospital bed, holding onto each other, the pain was eased considerably. For the first time in months, they felt hope.

Then a thought struck all three of them at the same time. They met each other with a steady gaze, knowing that once again, their thoughts were connected. "Happy Birthday, Logan."

**A/N. I am going to buy a large shovel, go out to my backyard, dig a hole, and lay down in it. Or maybe I'll just do school work. In my Weeping Corner. Yeah. Review?**


	15. Never Gone

**A/N. WHAT IS THIS MADNESS? Is it like, "Let's not update any stories or review any stories either?" Because the past two days have been dead here on BTR fan fiction which makes me extremely sad. And like, it's only a few days before 'Big Time Girlfriends' and I can't watch the promo without exploding! ANYWAY. I hope you all come back to me because I miss you all. I don't own anything. -is sad-**

"_It's not that unusual when everything is beautiful. It's just another ordinary miracle today." - 'Ordinary Miracle' by Sarah McLachlan. _

James was released from the hospital the very next day under strict orders to rest. He was relieved. He would always hate hospitals. To him, they represented loss. They brought back bad memories that were far too painful to deal with on his own. He wasn't alone anymore though. He had Kendall and Carlos back and that meant the world to him. But still, he gladly exchanged the uncomfortable hospital room for his own at home. He was home and for the first time in a long time, he dared to think that he was happy.

It was no surprise when his parents started taking him to a counselor. At first he felt embarrassed and weak and he questioned how talking to a complete stranger would help him process everything that had happened. But he was surprised to find that Aaron Thatcher was more understanding than he could have ever imagined. It also helped that just like they promised, Kendall and Carlos made sure he wasn't alone.

They rarely ever left his side to begin with. For the first week after he came home, they literally did not leave his side except to shower or use the bathroom. They stayed at James' house for an entire week and after the parents talked the matter over, they went to counseling with him too. They did everything together. Together they talked to Aaron about Logan and all the good times they had with him. They told him how he got sick and all they went through. They told him how he got better and all they did after that. And they told him how Logan got sick again and died and everything that had happened since. They told him about their broken promises and how they wanted to fix things.

Aaron was young for a counselor, only twenty-six. But James' parents thought that it might be easier for their son to communicate with someone close to his age. They were right. Aaron was a gifted listener. He never once interrupted the boys when they were talking. He let them talk, laugh, cry, and even yell at him. He sat and listened with one hand propping up his chin. He didn't even write anything down. They could see the sympathy in his eyes but they all sympathy in everyone's eyes. What made Aaron different was the understanding in his eyes. He understood them.

Some days were easier than others. Sometimes they were surrounded by a sense of peace and everything felt not right, but okay. Other days it was a challenge just getting out of bed and going through the day. But they were making it, slowly and steadily, together.

James' hair had started to grow out again but he still kept it shorter than it used to be. Even though he had picked up his lucky comb again, he doubted that he would ever go back to obsessing over his appearance like he used to. He was okay with that. They all were.

One morning, James woke up with Carlos sound asleep, his head resting on James' chest, and Kendall, also in dream land, with his head on James' shoulder. He didn't really remember if they had been there the night before and he didn't care. He was always glad to see his friends. He felt safe and secure and he would have remained there but eventually he had to use the bathroom. So slowly, he lifted Kendall's head off his shoulder and eased it to the pillow. He did the same with Carlos and then got up, walking as quietly as he could.

As he washed his hands, James stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. His hair was tousled with sleep and he quickly ran his lucky comb through it. His hazel eyes were still clouded with sadness but something else stared back at him: Hope. He had grown thin, too thin but he had started filling out again, his muscles returning slowly but surely. He hesitated, then rolled up his long-sleeve pajama shirt and inspected his arms. The scars were still there but they were fading. He traced one with his fingertip and wondered if they would ever be totally gone. One thing he knew for sure was that his physical scars might heal eventually, but the scars on his heart would stay with him for the rest of his life. Too much had happened for him to ever be truly okay again. But he was healing in more ways than one.

"James?" Kendall had woken to find just Carlos and despite the progress James had been making, he still felt a twinge of fear at the thought of his friend being alone for too long. So he felt bad then, when he came across James merely looking in the mirror. He wasn't doing anything stupid. Kendall should have trusted him more.

He watched James carefully as he turned to face him, a small smile stretching tentatively across his face, not quite reaching his eyes. "Hey." He responded softly. "Is Carlos still asleep?" As he spoke, he started to roll down his shirt sleeves, covering his arms again, but Kendall stopped him.

"Yeah." He answered James' question and then took one of his arms. "They're looking good." He said softly as he studied the scars. "I mean, they're starting to fade." He dropped James' arm then and looked at his friend's face.

James met Kendall's gaze, wishing that the green eyes held something other than remorse. It wasn't all his fault. "I'm sorry."

James apologized nearly every day. Kendall hated it. He and Carlos had forgiven him long ago. They had all forgiven each other. James had been making wonderful improvement too. He hadn't had a single drink, he hadn't cut himself, and he hadn't taken any drugs since Logan's birthday. He was doing so well and everyone but himself was proud. Kendall nodded though, accepting James' apology because he knew it made him feel better.

"I was thinking," Kendall broke up the silence. "We're not meeting with Aaron today so maybe we could take a walk." He hesitated and then whispered, "It's Carlos' birthday today."

James' eyes filled with tears and he nodded, unable to speak around the lump in his throat.. He coughed quietly and then found his voice. "Kendall, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you on your birthday." He whispered. "I should have been there."

"And I should have been there for you on your birthday." Kendall told him quietly. "But I think that we gave. . . Logan," He spoke the name with some difficulty. "I think he gave him the best birthday present he could have asked for. We're together again and we can be there for Carlos today."

Just then they heard a muffled sob from James' room and they left the bathroom quickly. Carlos was curled up on the otherwise empty bed, clutching a pillow to his chest, his entire body shaking. James silently criticized himself for leaving Carlos to wake up alone on his birthday but he sat down and placed a hand on his friend's shoulder while Kendall drew Carlos into a hug. Their voices ran together, offering what little comfort they had to the birthday boy.

"I miss him." Carlos cried into Kendall's shirt. "Why does it hurt so much on days like this?"

"I think because normally we'd celebrate." James said sadly. "You're supposed to celebrate birthdays. But it's hard to celebrate when it feels like a part of you is missing."

Carlos' sobs steadied and then slowed before stopping all together. He pulled his face away out of Kendall's shirt and looked at James' skeptically. "Feels like?" He repeated the words in a broken whisper.

James slowly nodded and pulled out of their huddle so that he could stand up. "Come on," He said softly. "Let's go see him."

He was surprised but relieved when Carlos not only accepted the bold proposal but he even brightened a little. He nodded and uncurled himself, taking James' hand, allowing the taller boy to pull him to his feet. He looked down at their silent friend, questioningly. "Kendall?"

A tiny grin tugged at the corners of Kendall's mouth before he stood up to join them. "Sounds like a plan to me, James."

It was still fairly early and the morning chill made the boys dress warmly. They left a note for James' parents and then stepped outside. The cold air made their breath turn into little clouds over their heads and they walked quickly to warm up and get to their destination even faster. At the same time, they walked with caution, avoiding the large patches of ice that coated the sidewalks.

As they reached his house, Carlos stopped. "Wait." He told his friends. "I. . . I have to get something. I'll be right back." When they nodded, he turned and hurried inside.

He ran straight up to his room and pulled open his closet door. To make things easier, he dragged his desk chair over and stood on it so he could reach the top shelf. As he took his helmet, something else caught his eye and he let the helmet clatter to the floor. He carefully reached out and picked up the object, staring at it in disbelief. Then his eyes fully absorbed what he was seeing and tears blinded him for a few seconds but they didn't fall. A full smile crosses his face and he jumped down from the chair, collected his helmet and went back downstairs.

The bitter cold hit him and he shoved his new found treasure in his large coat pocket and was about to put his helmet on when he saw that Kendall and James were no longer alone. He tucked his helmet under his arm and rushed to join them. They were both shaking, James from fear, and Kendall from anger.

Kendall stood protectively in front of James' his eyes shooting daggers at the newcomer. But his voice was surprisingly calm. "Don't come near James ever again." He saw Carlos approach and added, "Leave Carlos alone too."

Mark Sanchez sneered at the threesome, his eyes still hazy from the previous night's party. "Aw, come on, Knight. I just wanted to say hi to my old buddy, James." He started to take a step closer to James but Kendall's glare made him stay where he was.

"James was never your friend." Kendall hissed. "You used him and you almost killed him."

Mark scoffed at his words. "He's the one who decided to OD." His eyes caught the flash of movement as Carlos stepped in closer to James. "You're pathetic, Diamond. You know that? If I were you, I'd take my daddy's pistol and-"

"Shut up!" Kendall exclaimed, angrily. "You're the pathetic one. You're the one who still gets drugged and stoned every single night because you're too weak to handle anything. James is getting better and that takes more courage than you'll ever have. You're the one who dropped out of school to hang out on street corners and make other people's lives more miserable than yours. Just leave. Leave and never come back. I don't ever want to see your face again and if I ever hear about you bothering James or Carlos then you'll be sorry."

Mark glared at Kendall but when the younger boy still refused to back down, he spat at the ground, the glob of saliva hitting Kendall's sneaker. Kendall didn't even blink. The bully then turned on his heel and stalked off.

Kendall instantly forgot about Mark and spun around to face James and Carlos. "Are you guys okay?" He asked in concern.

Carlos and James nodded together. "Thanks, Kendall." James whispered, his voice shaking just slightly. "You were great."

The subject was dropped and the boys continued their trek. By now, the neighborhood had started to wake up. Parents had bundled their children up and the front yards were alive with kids and animals, the air was filled with laughter. They boys met curious gazes and returned the greetings they got but they were completely focused on their destination.

The path was familiar even though the picky Minnesota weather changed it somehow every time they came. It got easier too. Their footsteps were no long as heavy and burdened as they used to be. But when they reached the grave site, their collective strength gave out.

Carlos knelt on the ground and cried. "You know what the worst part about today is?" He asked between quiet sobs. When Kendall and James simply waited for him to go on, he sniffed and spoke in a trembling voice. "I'm twenty. Logan was nineteen when he died. I'm older than him now." He looked up at his friends, dark eyes full of sorrow. "I don't want to be older than Logan. I don't want to celebrate today. I want Logan."

"Oh, Carlos." James' throat tightened and he hugged Carlos to him, feeling relief when he felt Kendall there too. "We don't have to celebrate your birthday, Carlos. I didn't want to celebrate mine and Kendall didn't either. And you. . . we can't blame you. We'd do the same thing." He watched Kendall nod in agreement and then went on. "But we can celebrate today for a different reason. We're together again. And don't forget about what Logan told me. He's right here with us. And we don't have to come here to be with him either. We'll take him with us wherever we go."

Kendall nodded again and tightened his grip on his friends. "James is right, Carlos. Logan will always be with us."

"I know." Carlos sniffed and smiled through his tears He sat up. "That reminds me. When I went in to get my helmet I found something else." His voice softened and he reached inside of his pocket. "Remember how I told you that I. . . burned the paper cranes?" He took a deep breath and withdrew his hand from the pocket. "It must have fallen out of the box and been in the back of my closet all this time." He set the small paper crane on the ground between them and Logan's headstone. When Kendall and James both drew in a sharp breath, he smiled again and carefully picked the bird up. "It's not just any paper crane. Remember how I wrote the date I folded them on the left wing?" He traced the numbers with his finger, showing James and Kendall.

"That's the day Logan's cancer went away." James finally whispered.

Carlos nodded. "That was a great day, wasn't it?"

They boys were silent for a long time after that, each lost in their own thoughts. Then James picked the crane up and studied it closely. "I think we should do something special for Logan." He said thoughtfully.

"Like what?" Kendall asked curiously.

James shrugged. "I don't know yet. I guess I'll have to give it some thought." He smiled and set the crane back down. "_We'll_ have to give it some thought."

Carlos and Kendall nodded in agreement. But they didn't try to come up with something then. Instead they fell silent once again, content in the peace and quiet.

**A/N. So I should probably say that this story is wrapping up pretty quickly. I'm grateful for that. Then I can write 'Innocence Lost' and publish 'Triangle' and LOGAN WILL BE IN BOTH OF THEM! YAY! Oh, and there's one more exciting bit of news. 'Triangle' will involve no trips to the hospital! YAY! At least, I don't think so. Somebody might punch s wall and break their hand. I'm not sure. It's possible and very fitting. Anyway, I'll shut up before I give away the plot. Yes. No hospital trips but plenty of angst and I might gain some haters in the end. That will be interesting. We'll see. I have to finish this horrible story first. Soon. Very soon. Maybe two more chapters? ANYWAY. Review?**


	16. Permanent

**A/N. Today, One Man Writing Games and I decided that tomorrow is National Big Time Rush Day. If you need to know why, then you're not a real BTR fan. Shame. Oh, and this is kind of sudden but this will be the last chapter. I might write some one-shots related to it but I feel that it's time to end it. It didn't get the response I was hoping for and the number of reviews I got for each chapter was confusing. I'd get twenty something for one chapter and then twelve for the next. So yeah. It's over. I don't think it's sudden either. I like the way it ends like this. Anyway, I don't own anything.**

"_We will always remember the love that you shared. You've touched our lives. We will never forget you. Your memory will always survive." - 'We Will Always Remember' by Rachael Lampa._

"Ready?" Kendall shoved an extra flash light in his backpack and looked up at James and Carlos who were sitting on his bed, watching and waiting for him.

"Dude, we were waiting for you." Carlos pointed out. He bounced off the bed, the extra spring back in his steps. He turned and gave James a hand, pulling the taller boy to his feet. "Let's go."

The three boys trooped down the stairs and into the Knight's kitchen where Katie and Mrs. Knight sat at the table, making a string of cranberries together. They both looked up when they heard the boys approach.

"Do you have everything?" Mrs. Knight stood up and embraced each boy and looked at them in concern. "Are you going to be okay?"

Kendall managed a small smile. "Yeah." He said quietly. "We'll be okay. We want to do this." He exchanged glances with his two friends and then said more firmly, "We need to do this." He kissed his mother and bent to hug Katie. "We'll be back before lunch tomorrow, okay?"

The five exchanged goodbyes and the boys left the warm house and stepped out into the cold December air. Minnesota winters were always harsh and tonight was certainly no exception. The boys bent their heads against the wind and made their way along the ice covered sidewalks. They had decided against driving and even though it was freezing outside, they were glad to have the quiet to think.

Lights shone from inside the houses lining the street and they could hear the sound of music and laughter coming from inside the warm shelters. They waved to Carlos' sisters as they passed his house and stopped at James' home to check in with his parents one last time for the night. Then they set off more purposefully.

The house was dark and lonely looking as they approached the doorstep. As Carlos stepped on the porch, he slipped on a small patch of ice and reached out for Kendall to keep his balance. Kendall didn't expect the sudden contact and grabbed for James. All three boys crashed to the ground. Before he could even think, Carlos burst out laughing. Then, as he realized what he had done, he clapped a hand over his mouth and looked at Kendall and James with wide-eyes.

Kendall and James both chuckled softly. "He would have laughed too." James whispered. He stood up and then helped Kendall and Carlos back up. Then he pulled the key from his pocket and with a trembling hand, inserted it into the lock.

It was exactly how they had left it the last time they visited. Which was exactly what the realtor wanted and why they were still allowed to come in the first place. Then again, there was a small difference. The boys walked slowly up the stairs and swung open the door. As they walked into the familiar bedroom, they smiled. Carlos sank to his knees and pulled a ox out of his backpack, the others mimicking his actions. Then they carefully decorated the small Christmas tree they had brought up to Logan's room.

It was a little better than a Charlie Brown type Christmas tree but to them, it was the most beautiful Christmas tree any of them had ever seen. And when Carlos set the tiny paper crane on the top, it was perfect in their eyes.

"Remember when we got a Christmas tree at Palm Woods?" James wrapped his arms around his legs and rested his chin on his knees. "It was the first Christmas tree Logan had since before his mom died. Remember how excited he was?"

Kendall smiled. "He was like a little kid." He recalled fondly. "He looked all over the tree lot until he found the best tree there. When we took it home and decorated it he said it was the most beautiful tree he had ever seen."

"He told me later that he remembered his mom saying the same thing every year." Carlos adjusted a glass snowflake so that it faced him and then let his hand fall and rest on his knees. "I don't remember Mrs. Mitchell very well but my mom always said that Logan really took after her. She must have been amazing."

Kendall and James nodded in silent agreement. "So," Kendall finally said. "What now?"

James shrugged, tears starting to form in his hazel eyes despite his best effort to be strong. "I miss him." He whispered. He laid his head on his arms and started to cry. He felt Carlos and Kendall come closer to him and for a while they all sat there, mourning their loss.

"He- Logan wouldn't want us to cry tonight." James finally managed to stop the tears and he pulled gently away from his friends. "It's Christmas Eve." He stood up and pressed his face to the cold glass window pane, staring out into the dark night. "I wish it would snow. Remember how Logan always wanted a white Christmas?"

"Yup." Carlos joined him, soon followed by Kendall. "Other than the years we were in LA, he got his wish almost every year." He sighed, his breath fogging up a small section of the window. "So far all it's done lately is rain." He added sadly.

"There's still time." Kendall pointed out optimistically. "It sure is cold enough. Have either of you listened to the weather forecast lately?"

James shook his head. "Not me. But the last time I heard, it didn't sound too promising." He glanced at Carlos who shook his head. "I guess we'll find out." James brushed a stray strand of hair off his forehead and crossed the room and sat down on Logan's bed. "Anyway," He said, abruptly changing the subject. "I've been thinking."

Kendall and Carlos joined him on the bed, silent as they waited for him to go on.

James stared at his hands for a while before he took a deep breath and went on. "You know how we all went to. . . Logan's grave and we wanted to do something special to remember him by?" Suddenly too nervous to sit still, he stood up and began pacing the room. He stopped by the tree and took the paper crane off, cradling it carefully in his hands.

"James, are you okay?" Carlos ventured tentatively.

James swallowed hard and smiled. "I am." He said. "I mean, I miss Logan a ton every day and it hurts like anything to think about him and everything. But. . . I'm okay." He nodded. "Yeah."

"What's on your mind then?" Kendall asked softly.

"It might be a little crazy." James warned. He sat back down but his left leg bounced up and down restlessly. "See, I was thinking about how we have all this money we made from when we were Big Time Rush. It's just sitting in the bank doing nothing."

Carlos frowned slightly. "I thought we were going to. . . use it for college."

James flinched slightly at the mention of college. "There's plenty of it though. I mean, it's not like any of us need it for an Ivy League school." He fell silent as they all thought about Logan. Then he cleared his throat. "Kendall, you'll probably get a hockey scholarship. Carlos, you mentioned going to the police academy like your dad. I. . ." He blushed and dropped his gaze. "I was thinking of getting back into the whole singing thing and-"

"James, that's great!" Kendall exclaimed enthusiastically. "Logan would love that."

James returned his smile. "I know." He said, his voice shaking just slightly. "But I was thinking, if that all happened, then neither of us would need the money. Sure, we could use it for later on in life when we get married and need houses of our own but. . . It's a lot of money and. . ."

"James, just tell us!" Carlos encouraged.

James' eyes burned with tears. "I don't want a stranger to live here." He finally said.

At first all Kendall and Carlos could do was stare at James, speechlessly. Then, Carlos jumped to his feet, a huge grin lighting up his entire face. "James, that's a brilliant idea!" He said eagerly. "It's perfect!" He clapped his hands together as if to emphasize his words. "I don't know why we didn't think of it before. We want to remember Logan and what better way to do that than by buying his house? We won't have to sell anything. We can keep it the way it is and everything."

"But there's just one thing." James broke in through Carlos' excitement. "What would we do with it? I mean, sure it'd be great to buy it and everything. But Logan wouldn't want it to just sit here and do nothing. We might be going to college next year. What then?" He shook his head. "We have to buy it for a reason."

Carlos calmed down but the smile only faded a little bit. He returned to his place on Logan's bed and grew thoughtful. "You're right." He agreed. "Any thoughts?"

Kendall shrugged. "I'm not sure yet but I love your idea too, James. We can't get our money until we're twenty-one or if our parents give it to us and I don't think they'd protest too much. But we do need a reason." He sighed. "It should be a special reason. "Something that would mean a lot to Logan."

Then all three boys exchanged glances and grinned. "Got it." They said as one.

James gave his friends high-fives and stood up. He tugged a notebook and pen out of his backpack. "How does this sound?" He asked. "We buy Logan's house and fix it up to be the headquarters for a cancer foundation." He paused, pen in the air. "We don't touch this room." He said softly and sighed in relief when Kendall and Carlos agreed. "Right So we leave Logan's room alone, but we set up the rest as a sort of office building. It's pretty big so it shouldn't be too hard."

"And," Kendall added. "Say all of our plans go the way we want them to. Say I get on a professional hockey team. Then-"

"You will." Carlos interrupted.

"Maybe." Kendall said cautiously. "I hope." He smiled at the mention of hope. "Anyway, let's just say that happens."

"You'll be rich!" Carlos cheered.

Kendall gave Carlos a gentle shove. "Let me finish!" He laughed. "Carlos is right though. Even the worst players make plenty of money. But aside from that, professional athletes have a ton of connections. I might even get my whole team involved and we could have fund raisers at games and all that."

James nodded and pointed his pen at Carlos. "Carlos, you're the same. I mean, you're not going to be making millions like Kendall will." He ducked the pillow Kendall threw at him. "But policemen are always having charity auctions and everything."

"And you, James," Carlos said, eager to embarrass his other friend. "You're going to be a famous pop star and you can sing at all of our fund raisers and everything."

"This could really work out." Kendall said, unable to hide his own excitement. "It's like. . . it was meant to be."

The boys were quiet as they thought over Kendall's words. They knew in their hearts that it was meant to be. After all they had been through, they had finally reached a point where they could talk about Logan without breaking down into tears. It was still hard going through new life's experiences without him, and they knew that Christmas Day would be hard as well. But they were healing. And James' idea had given them new life and new purpose. It gave them the drive that they had been missing to go after their former dreams.

"It will work out." Carlos finally whispered. A tear slid down his cheek and he didn't bother to brush it away. "It has to. It will."

"We'll do it for Logan." James said. "What better way to remember him by? He'd love this. He'd love for Kendall to play hockey and Carlos be like his dad and me to sing. And he'd love that we would help people in need too. He'd love everything about this. Of course. . . I'd rather not have to do any of this if it meant we could have him back but. . . I think this is what we need. Something to really live for. You know?"

"Yeah." Kendall and Carlos nodded.

"We could make a paper crane as our symbol or whatever." Carlos suggested shyly. "I mean, if it's too corny then-"

"No." James shook his head. "It's perfect."

Kendall's eyes lit up. "Our motto!" He walked over to Logan's bookshelf and pulled a book of Greek mottoes out and grinned. "Remember this?" He flipped through the pages and came to one that Logan highlighted. "This was always his favorite. 'Dum Spiro, Spero.' It means, 'While I breath, I hope.'"

"Perfect." James said again. "So," He stood up and placed the crane back on the top of the tree. "When do we tall our parents?"

Carlos could hardly restrain himself. His bright personality had almost completely returned and their conversation had him almost bouncing off the walls. It was good seeing him so happy and Kendall and James smiled. "Tonight!" He practically yelled. "We can call them and-"

"No." Kendall had to disagree. "Let's wait. Until tomorrow at least. I just want to stay here tonight with you guys tonight. We can plan more if you want to."

Carlos considered and shook his head. "No." He said. "Let's take a break and just. . . be here."

"Hey, guys!" James said suddenly. He had walked over to the window and turned to face them with a huge smile on his face. Tears were in his eyes though and Kendall and Carlos got up curiously. James turned back to the window. "Look." He said in a choked voice.

It was snowing. The white flakes were falling to the ground, coating it in a thick white blanket, making the bleak surroundings look suddenly beautiful.

Carlos grabbed each of his friends' arms and tugged them away from the window. "Get dressed." He ordered. He hopped on one foot while he tried to pull on a boot. "We're going out there."

It was a tradition when they were little. Whenever a new snow fall greeted them, they always ran outside, made snow angels and snow men, had snowball fights, and went to the pond. James and Kendall hurried along with Carlos and the three boys pulled on their winter clothes before dashing outside.

The air seemed warmer somehow but their breath still clouded around them. They ran down the street, taking the short cut through the woods and emerging on the other side, coming to a stop at the edge of the pond.

"That day we first met will always be the first day of my life." Kendall said as he stepped on the icy surface, sliding slightly on his boots.

Carlos headed out onto the ice with a little more boldness than Kendall. "Remember when we fought over Logan?" He asked Kendall. "And then you saved him from my crazy skating, James."

James tilted his head and looked up into the night sky, squinting as the snow fell harder. "He saved my life here." He said quietly. "Twice if you think about it."

Kendall and Carlos gently tugged him onto the ice with them and the boys laid down on the snow that was beginning to cover the surface. Like they had always done when they were little boys they spread their arms and legs and waved them, making angels in the white powder. Then they stood up and surveyed their work.

"I still wish Logan was here tonight." James admitted, a tear escaping despite his best effort to keep it hidden. He laughed in spite of himself. "You don't think my tears will freeze to my face do you?"

"Logan is here." Carlos reminded him. "And I really hope your tears don't freeze to your face. That's be weird."

"You know," James brushed another tear away. "Since Logan's birthday I've wanted to live. They say that's pretty common in people who attempt suicide. Like if they overdose, they call for help. I didn't call my parents or you guys or 911. But I think I did call for help without realizing it. I called Logan for help. And he came to the rescue like he always did."

"He didn't just save you." Kendall said thoughtfully. "He saved all of us."

"Yeah." Carlos had settled down and lowered himself to a cross-legged position in front of his snow angel. Kendall and James joined him. "Now it's our turn to repay the favor. I mean, we can't save him. He's okay now. He's with his mom and. . . he's great now. But we have to keep his memory alive."

"We will." Kendall and James promised together.

The three boys sat close together, keeping warm in the cold. Then at the same time, they felt another presence by their side and they smiled. "Merry Christmas, Logan. Thanks for everything."

It was then, that they knew without a doubt that they were going to be okay. Logan was right. It had been a hard journey and it was far from over. They still faced many obstacles in their future. It was Christmas Eve, and the very next day would be hard. The anniversary of Logan's death would be coming up after that before they knew it. But Logan had been right. They were together again and they were stronger. They would make it.

Whatever lay ahead of them though, they knew one thing. They would never forget Logan. He would always be with them, living on in the memories they shared. They would take him wherever they went.

**A/N. So it's over. I don't really know what to say. I hope none of you are disappointed and I hope it wasn't abrupt. I like it ending this way. I want to thank all of the loyal readers who encouraged me by reviewing this story. It wasn't easy to write and I know it wasn't easy to read. I would never have finished it if it wasn't for you guys. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.**


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